Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Chocolate and Alpaca Lace

I am stressed, my readers.

Boyfriend has been gone for two weeks and won't be back for another two weeks.  Plus, he hasn't answered his phone in like two days.  So I'm a little worried.  I know he's safe with family and I know this isn't like Boulder, but still.

I'm his girlfriend.

I'm also Cancer the Crab.

I get worried.

August is looking to be stressful and even though it hasn't started, I'm ready for it to be done. 

School starts the 19th, but financial aid won't go through until the 8th.  And since this school is different than my last college experience, I have to wait until the aid is done being processed to get my books.  So I'm looking at getting my books, I.D., and RTD pass the week before school starts.

Usually, I've already bought them by now.

The 5K is coming up.  I'm nervous.  I've never done anything like this before.  Today, I did an hour on the treadmill in preparation.  I don't anticipate going super fast, but I am, based on today, expecting to be done in about an hour.

My mom's brother (who is a little out there and has recently stressed us out) is coming to visit with my cousin.  My cousin and I got along beautifully the last time she was here.  My uncle... I've only met him once.  He and my mom only recently reconnected.

So we're all pretty stressed about that.

I was up until 3am today, trying to get the knot of panic out of my chest that had formed.

So.

Stressed.

Out.

Dad says my grandma had this saying about worry: "Worry is like a rocking chair.  It only takes you back and forth, never really going anywhere."

So true. 

My anxiety combating skills are coming into play at this point.

I'm going to school with my sister tomorrow to find my classes and buildings.

One day at a time.

Today, after I finish this post, I intend to knit and relax.

This involves really good dark chocolate with raspberries in it and baby alpaca, knit into lace.

The yarn is awesome.  When boyfriend was at Boulder, before his depression worsened and all the bad stuff happened, I went to visit him for a weekend.  It was lovely.  We slept in, ate pasta and ice cream at the Pearl Street mall, watched movies all night, and just generally relaxed.

While we were there, we went to a yarn store.  I found this beautiful Alpaca Lace by Cascade Yarn in blues and greens.  I had always wanted to try alpaca yarn, but usually couldn't afford it.  This to me was the holy grail of yarn. 

Boyfriend bought it for me.

I was in love.

And then everything happened.  Like, a near break up due to boyfriend's depression and contemplation of suicide.  Boyfriend breaking ties with his dad.  Boyfriend moving in.

Suddenly, the yarn was unknittable.  I couldn't look at it without feeling the desperation and strain from those few months.  I buried it in the yarn stash.

It's been a year and a half since then.  Boyfriend and I still have ups and downs, but over all, I think things are better.  He's finally going to counseling, and things are going to be alright.

So I can knit with the alpaca.

It's heaven.  Total bliss.

And knitting a lace pattern really helps my anxiety, I'm discovering.

When then next two weeks are over, I predict I will have a new scarf.

Anyway.

Chocolate and alpaca lace.

What more do I need?

~Meaghan 

Friday, July 26, 2013

The World is Watching

Maybe you've heard about it, my dear readers.  Maybe you haven't.  Maybe you care; maybe you don't.

I care. 

And you should too.

Russia has passed legislation that violates the European courts of human rights.  They were violating the courts anyway by not allowing gay prides.

 But this legislation goes a step further: gays, lesbians, transsexuals, bisexuals, and basically everyone who does not have a "traditional" (i.e. one man plus one woman) sexual relationship are facing discrimination.

Not just the kind of discrimination like we have here in the U.S. But the kind that gives jail time, fines, random arrests.  The kind that offers no aid if you get beat up, but rather makes your tormentors the victims and makes you look to blame.

Imagine living your life, as you are.  You're out, holding hands in public with the person you love.  And instead of being able to continue going to the store or the park or wherever you were heading, you get beat up and arrested because the person you love just happens to be the "wrong" person according to law.

Russian citizens are living in fear. 

And this law applies to tourists and athletes for the Olympics as well, with jail time of up to 15 days.

I can hear you thinking, readers.  "That's awful, but I don't live in Russia.  So why do I care?" or "I'm straight, why should this matter to me?"

Because no one deserves to be treated this way.  Look at these pictures and tell me that it's okay to have this happen to anyone.  Go on.  I'll wait.

  We have things like this in the U.S. too.  Don't let them kid you; it's far from perfect here.  There's verbal harassment and the occasional beating or murder reaches the news.  There are some states where same sex couples can marry and others where they can't; what does that do to the marriage license?

We have a lot of narrow minded people in America. 

But we also have a lot of open minded people. 

And for the most part, we're working our way to making equal rights for all.  Every college I've been to has a LGBTQ group as well as straight alliances.  I've seen same sex couples out at the grocery stores multiple times when I was working, all of them out without fear.  Overall, even though we aren't as far as I'd like us to be, there is still a lot of freedom here.

Russia, I have no words for you.

(Rather, I have too many words for you.)

People are people.  We all bleed red.  We all cry salt.  Orientation does not change who you are as a person. 

I found some videos that I think summarize the fear and worry many LGBTQ people face over in Russia.  No one should have to worry about discrimination at their job or school for their orientation.  No one should have to worry about their parents disowning them for who they love.

But what really hit it home for me was a comic, actually.

On Facebook and Twitter, I follow a guy named Bart who makes these really awesome comics about him and his partner, Mark.  I mean, these are comics that I relate to because similar things happen with my boyfriend and I.  I adore these guys.  I really do.

Anyway, he made a comic today that really made me cry.  Maybe it was because he put himself and Mark in it that made me so sad while I read it.   And while I knew things were bad, this made me realize just how bad it is over in Russia.

I can hear you thinking again, readers.  "But Meaghan, we live so far away.  What can we honestly do?"

Actually, quite a bit. :)

First off, there's the Olympics in 2014.

Johnny Weir, a gay U.S. ice skater I adore, is asking that we don't boycott the Olympics.

 I want to boycott more than you know, readers.  I really do.

 But Johnny makes a really good point - boycotting only hurts the athletes.  These are people who train their whole lives to go have one shining moment.  And, as history has shown with Jesse Owens in the 1936 Olympics, sometimes the ones who are discriminated against show up the ones who discriminate.

There is a human rights petition going around to get NBC (the station here in the U.S. that covers the Olympics) to reveal the brutality going on.  I would be more willing to watch if they did show or at least acknowledge during the coverage what is going on.

Use your best judgment with that. 

(I will probably only turn on for Johnny Weir and the ice skating.  But that's just me.)

Another thing: Vodka.

So I found this article about doing a vodka boycott.  As they point out, America imports over $59.7 a year in Russian vodka.  If we were to all stop drinking Russian vodka, such as Stoli and Russian Standard, it wouldn't kill the Russian economy.  However it may be enough to make them take notice.

So if you drink vodka, change up your brands.  Or if you're like me, grab that tequila.

Finally, I have a petition I signed that everyone should sign. 

Petitions are awesome and they actually do work.  I know some of you are skeptical.  Trust me.  When the voices of the people are loud enough, eventually those in power have to take notice. 

You can sign it here .

Let's keep putting pressure on Russia.  Let's keep making each other aware.

Russia, the world is watching.

And we are not happy.

~Meaghan

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Why I Do Not Aim to Be a Writer First

While I was working on my Creative Writing degree at community college, I learned many different things.

I learned that while I love to use poetic language, I am not a poet.

I learned that fiction is fun to write for a drabble, but I am not a fiction author.

I learned that my heart never left nature and science.

I learned that writing is one love for me, science another, and that my desire to write is not fueled out of a desire to make money or a career or a name like so many of my other classmates.

And so I turned to creative non-fiction essays. 

Memoirs, if you prefer.

I love writing creative essays.  I love that I can incorporate my nature love and the lessons of my life into something interesting, informative, and poetic.  I love that it is a skill that will aide me as I turn my life towards nature and education.  I love that it comes so naturally to me.

And I love not making a living doing it.

This is not to say that I do not hope to eventually become published.  It does not say that I will not one day write to supplement my income.

What it says is that I do not aim to be a writer first and foremost in life.  I know people - classmates of mine - who do.

But what I notice about them is an almost superficial element.  They are so wrapped up in the competitiveness of writing that they can't appreciate the writing of their peers without becoming overly critical.  They lose track of the fun aspect of writing.  They make it a chore.

I don't want to lump all writers into this category.  I know there are some who got lucky, and write for the fulfillment it gives them or to satisfy the need they have to write while getting paid.

I'm more concerned about the people who go to school to become authors and who don't have any other plans.  The ones who focus on form and technique.  The ones who become bitter because they're trying to write the next American novel.

No thanks.

For me, I will become a teacher.  I will study the environmental sciences and educate our young people on the importance of nature.

And in my free time, I will write.

I will write for the fun, freedom, and need it satisfies.

Not for the paycheck.

~Meaghan

Thursday, July 18, 2013

In Which Pain Makes Me More Random Than Usual

Hi there, my dear readers. 

As I am typing this to you, I am suffering a serious migraine.  Why am I not in bed?  I can hear you asking.

Well....technically, I am in bed, but that's besides the point.

I have way too much on my mind for sleep at the moment.  The pain is better than it was earlier this evening, so I can actually see straight, and I decided to take advantage of that fact.

Why do I have a migraine? 

First off, my birthday was Monday and I decided to live it up.  Saturday night out drinking with a friend (both alcohol and coconut in large quantities are triggers for me, which I didn't think about at the time - oh Malibu Rum, how I love and hate you...), Monday I spent most of the day with Boyfriend (IHOP, yarn and book shopping, a trip to school for his therapy appointment - more on that later), and dinner Monday night with the family at Red Lobster (we don't get to go very often, so I had lobster and crab and shrimp, all of which are triggers in large quantities).

(It was a great birthday, and I have no regrets. The people in my life are absolutely amazing and I am incredibly cared for, which makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.  Best birthday in a long time. :D)

Factor in stress for a moment here.  Boyfriend has been suffering from untreated depression for a while now, and I may or may not have done some drastic things on last Thursday to try to get him to show something - anything.  And we may or may not have had to work through things over the weekend to get him help and to help us be on good terms.  (Which we are.  And before you say anything, I did make an appointment with my therapist to discuss everything.  She is amazing.)

(And yeah, I know you can't help people until they realize they need help.  I was that way.  My sister was that way when she landed in the hospital.  As a former cutter and someone who deals with anxiety and depression, I get it.  It does not make it any less hard or less stressful.)

Now let's factor in my chocolate addition.  And the fact that there's salt on everything.  And that Boyfriend has been out of town since Tuesday and won't be back until the Wed before school starts for us.  I miss him like crazy and it's only been two days...

Plus Colorado weather changes.  Let's never forget Monsoon Season, lol.

So yeah.  Migraine party.  Still, I have no regrets.  I do think I'll try to keep a better eye on my triggers though.  Cause really, this sucks.

In other news, I haven't trained all week for my 5K.  I'm only a little nervous, you know? 

And by a little, I mean a lot.

Last time I got on the treadmill (which was last Wed), I could almost do a 17 minute mile. I know that's not the greatest, but for me that is huge.  Goal: 15 minute mile or less by August 17th, the day of the race.  I feel like I should be able to do it.

Also, I am so ready to go back to school.  I feel like science and teaching is really where I'm supposed to be.  The writing was a nice detour - I met some interesting people, learned some cool stuff, met my boyfriend via zombies during it - but not what I want to do forever.  I know teaching high school science will be hard, but I feel so strongly towards it.  It was originally what I went to community college for anyway, an Associates of Science to get my foot in the door.

(Forgive me if I've already talked about adding on the teaching certificate, I am pretty doped up on pain meds at the moment.  Like, earlier today, I tried unlocking the apartment door with the post office key.  Mom and sis just kind of laughed...)

Honestly, if I can make a difference in one kid's life, I will be happy.  And if teaching doesn't pan out, I still have my writing and my Environmental Science main degree to fall back on.

BTW, does anyone else think it's funny that this was supposed to be a yarn blog and it's become an everything-except-the-kitchen-sink thing instead?

Yeah.  That's my cue to try sleep again.

Hang tight, dear readers.  I'm sure there will be more excitement coming soon.

~Meaghan

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

So Much Excitement!

Hello my dear readers!

Life has gotten progressively awesome.  Where to start?

Um, my parents got me a new laptop for school as an early birthday present.  It's the first computer I have not bought myself.  My old one was getting ready to bite the dust pretty hard, so this is amazing that they were able to do that for me.  Total gratitude, you know?

I got my financial aid for the school year under control.  It's all loans, yet again.  But you know what?  I am taking out enough in loans that I was able to put my notice in at work.  This means I will be able to focus entirely on pursuing my education.

Speaking of which, I'm adding on a teaching certificate and possibly a minor in women's studies.  Exciting times, my readers. :)

Tomorrow I get to see my best friend for the first time since New Year's.  She lives in Boston with her boyfriend, so visits are few.  It's always so good to see them.  I can not wait.

Oh.  And my birthday is in 12 days. So that's exciting. :)

I am sure there is more, but I'm a bit braindead and am not thinking clearly.

Until we meet again,

~Meaghan

P.S. I wrote this while listening to the theme for Khan from the new Star Trek movie.  Awesome and epic all rolled into one.