Writing Day!

Hello lovely Readers!

Today is a writing day.  What is a writing day, you may ask? Once every other week, a friend of mine and I meet for coffee and writing time. Normally it's on Fridays but today it's on a Sunday because of scheduling conflicts.

Normally I use this time to write fanfiction, but I've rather burned myself out on my fics for some reason.  I haven't updated them in a long time and I just haven't been in the space for it.  So I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to write.  Maybe poetry?  Maybe fiction?  I don't know.  I do have some ideas for stories, one of which is based on this game I play with my sister - Guild Wars.  I have several characters but my favorite is a Nord named Dagny Ravenborne.  She's like a Norse character living in the mountains and hunting with her animals.

I feel like there is a story there that is just waiting to be cracked open.  Do I let it marinate or do I go for it?  That's the big question. 

I think the reason I write so much fanfiction is because it's easier to put myself out there with loved characters and scenarios that may or may not fit those characters.  Creating original content is scary.  It means putting out your own world, your own characters, your own original story.  Will it be well received or will it flounder?  Is my idea even good enough.

I'm thinking about investing in some resources for writing and art in general.  I've discovered I really love to create anything really.  I knit, I design knitting patterns sometimes, I color, sometimes I draw, sometimes I paint.  I write.  I like doing that sort of thing. 

I feel like life is full of colors and bursting with opportunity right now.  It's been a very long time since I've felt that way.  It's like spring is just showering down all these possibilities.  I want to play with color.  I want to play with words.  I think I'm probably rambling at this point.

I want to produce beauty into the world, be that with my hands or my voice.

My friend I write with, she's an editor for a publishing company and runs these events once a month with local authors and open mic time; she's encouraging me to come to open mic night next month and to read.  I think, even though it sounds scary, that I'm going to do it.  How else am I going to fly if I don't fall first?  Birds jump from the nest in order to learn to fly.  This is me jumping.

Also next month is Camp NaNoWriMo.  I think I've talked about this before, where I set a word count of 20,000 words and I'm going to write daily to achieve it.  I'm not sure if I should outline or not, but I do know I've been working on character sketches.  I've got a nice list of characters and I'm not entirely sure the underlying conflict but I have some ideas.  We'll see how this goes.  I really hope it's something I can accomplish.  It would feel good to have written a book even if it never goes anywhere; just the knowledge that I can.

And that is enough for today.  Thank you for reading, dear Readers and go create something beautiful.

~Birdie

Fan Fic Commissions!

Hello lovely Readers!

I've started a new opportunity. I love writing and I decided at the urging of my friend Dorothy, to try to do it to make some spending money. So...

I’ve decided to offer commissions of some of your favorite fandoms! I’m most well known for my Metal Gear Solid writing and my second person reader inserts. Samples of my work can be found here:

Single page fics (single spaced - 600 to 700 words) go for $4.

Whole chapters (single spaced - 1200 to 1500 words) go for $10

What I will write: NSFW/smut, Marvel fandom, Metal Gear Solid fandom, Supernatural fandom, blood, murder/death, characters together, reader inserts/second person (male or female) with a character. If you have a fandom not mentioned here, shoot me a message and we can talk about it! 

What I will not write: Rape/non-con

If any of this is of interest to you, shoot me a message on here and we'll get in touch and talk.

Have a great day!

~Birdie

Attention Fic Readers!

Hey readers!

So, I talk a lot about fanfiction, ocs, rps, and fandom things on here because they mean so so much to me.  Well, my best friend - one of the first people I ever met in fandom and who's introduced me to so so much - is offering commission fics.

Now, commission fics are something you don't hear about very often.
Artists commission art all the time.
But for someone to offer to write fanfiction based on word count tailored to exactly what you want - that's very few and far between.

In fact, he's the first person I know who's doing it.

Let me emphasize this:

He is the first and only person I know who's offering tailored fic commissions.

I'm one of those people that I won't out of hand sell you something if I don't think it's worth it, friend or not.  I'm also one of those people who has never spent money on a commission even though I've thought about it.

My friend is one of the best writers I know, and his work is amazing.  I have fics he's written me over the course of knowing him that I re-read all the time because they are so well done and wonderful.  From one writer to another, you will definitely get your money's worth out his commissions.

He writes for the fandoms of Metal Gear Solid (MGS), Voltron: Defender of the Universe, Overwatch, and the Witcher.

He writes ships, singles, OCs, self ships, and almost any kink you can imagine - meaning, if it's niche, there's a chance he'll write it for you if you ask.  (He does, as all writers and artists do, have the right to turn you down, but he doesn't bite - so don't be shy and definitely ask.)

He has examples of his writing  from an old AO3 account on his information page, but I wanted to add the other two fics that I like: extra example 1 and extra example 2.

You can find his awesome commission info page here.

I do, in fact, have a list of several fics that I'm going to see if he'll commission once I get the money in the next two weeks.

And if that doesn't say it all, I don't know what does.

~Birdie

Friday Funday

Hey there readers!

So Friday posts are now going to be called "Friday Funday" because honestly, why not. I like how cheesy it sounds, so...here we are.

Today my husband and I went to go see the new Star Trek movie.  It was a belated birthday gift from him (my birthday was last week, so we postponed lunch and a movie until this week cause Star Trek) and lemme tell you.

It was great.

Now, I'm a Star Trek fan.
This is not to say I'm a die hard one.
I like the original series and I love the new reboot movies.

I know a lot of people have issues with the reboots or can quote episodes of TOS or Deep Space or The Next Generation.

I am not that person.

I am a casual fan.

(That being said, I do have fanfiction up somewhere online for the reboot films that I wrote when I was 19 and I kind of cringe at when I think about them.  It is what it is.  I could probably take them offline, but...eh.)

Anyway, back to the new movie.  I'm going to do my best not to spoil it (I'm not talking plot but characters more than anything), but if that is something you're worried about, you might want to turn back.

This film was decidedly better than the second one, in my opinion.  The villain felt better rounded out.  It was less predictable - I was on the edge of my seat most of it, whereas with the second one I knew it was Khan almost from the start and could put the pieces together fairly quickly.  This one kept me guessing, and was clever at it.

The character developments were also great.  We got to see a lot of the relationship between McCoy and Spock, which I loved - their salty attitudes with each other (yes, Spock can be salty) are one of my favorite things ever.  We got to see a lot more of Scotty and Chekov, which I also loved.  Plus Sulu had a bigger part.

All around, great characters.

Now, this is where I probably will get some push back.

I know a lot of people from the start have shipped Kirk and Spock or Spock and McCoy.  I for one - while not being opposed to those - love Spock and Uhura as a pairing.  She's the emotional side for him while he balances her with his logical rationality.  This isn't to say that Uhura isn't logical - she very much is - but they make a great pairing.

(I might be biased as I'm married to a man who sometimes acts like Spock.)

So yes, that was in the film as well.  But it was handled so well.  I don't want to spoil that for anyone, but just.

Honestly, the whole movie was handled really well.

Overall, 10 out of 10.

And this has been the Friday Funday. :)
Happy weekends, everyone!

~Birdie

The Wednesday Lowdown

Hey there, readers!

I really wanted a clever title for the blog post.  See, I was thinking that for the rest of the summer I would update on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  Then when school starts in August, I would do Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursdays (since Tuesdays and Thursdays I'm at school and will have time between classes to write so I don't lose my mind) with the possibility of occasional posts should something exciting happens.

I was hoping to keep the titles consistent, so like Sundays would be listed as "Sunday Editions" and stuff, but I can't figure out enough newspaper puns at the moment.  So for now, it is what it is.

At least it will be consistent.

Anyway, this was not what I wanted to blog about today.

Actually, in all honesty you guys, my blogs tend to be random, so I normally don't have a plan when I write them.  Monday was an exception because there was so much I needed to cover.  Normally though, I can't promise what you're going to get.

Again, not what I wanted to blog about.

Someone is making me fanart.

Someone online offered to pay me money to write a fic because they like what I write so much that they wanted more.  

Can we talk about this for a moment?

Remember in the previous blog post I mentioned the MGS fandom saving me during a dark period and how I write a lot for the fandom?  Yeah, so apparently I make more waves than I thought because people online actually know who I am due to my writing.  People online actually like my writing.  You know, the stuff I can chunk out in handfuls when I'm on a good day, the stuff that I like writing but that I also worry about posting because frankly, there is so much good fanfiction out there.

I am so floored.

I feel like I'm this wholly unremarkable person, and yet, people like what I do, (and for some reason, they like me too, but that's a post for another time).  And some of the people who mention it are people who's writing I adore, so it's a little like being star struck.  And the whole reason I do it is because it makes me happy and it makes my friends happy.

And then I found out that someone really wanted more of a particular series I was writing, and when I reached out to her to offer to write her one, she had a mini meltdown and proceeded to tell me that she would pay me or do fanart or both as a thanks.

Again, I am floored.

I declined the money.  

I mean, I'm broke as fuck (I have a dollar to my name until school starts) but this isn't why I do what I do.  

If you're kind to me, I will happily bend over backwards for you.  

If you ask and I like you or know you, I'll write you anything in reason.

(That goes beyond fanfiction.  Kindness goes a long way.)

Anyway.

I'm getting a piece of fanart.

Of my favorite OC.

With her canon character beau.

I feel like crying.

It means so much to me that people actually think enough of me to offer these sort of things.  

And to be kind enough to work with Andi.

Alright, honestly, I love Andi so fucking much.

She's my favorite character I've ever made, and I get to explore so much through her.

Every time I write her or RP her or talk about her or get to share her with anyone, it just.

It's like there's a piece of me that gets away from everything and gets to love my girl instead, even if it's just for a small fic or quick reply or brief conversation.

I'm learning to love myself through her.

I've been incredibly fortunate, too, cause my bff, my husband, and my sister all get an earful from time to time, and they are so patient with me, and actually...like her too.

See, this is the beauty of fanfiction, folks.

You can have these characters you love and make characters you love, and they get you through.

They give you something to look forward to and something to get out of your head.

It is a legit writing form, and no one will ever tell me otherwise.

I encourage it.

Which actually, let's talk about OCs for a moment, since I'm gushing about mine.

There are times you will not like someone's OC.
You will feel competitive or frustrated that they're everywhere or just annoyed in general.

This has happened in one of the tags I follow.

But that does not give you the right to publicly drag the character or the person who created them.  It makes me so mad that people do that.
Frankly, I don't like a lot of OCs.
But the amount of love that goes into them does not deserve me coming along and to the creator's face telling them I dislike them.

We all love our OCs.

If you don't like them, move along quietly.  

Feel free to bitch to your friends, but please, just ignore us in public.  

Call outs are cruel.

Anyway, back to the point.

I am getting fanart of my favorite OC by a girl who is super kind and likes my writing and is officially the second person to ever draw her.  

(My bff drew some great Andi stuff that is my phone wall paper, and I will never, ever get rid of the art.  Ever.  It means so much to me.)

I am, in fact, blown away.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to end this post and go squeal a bit while trying to knit something.

(Next post will be about that, brace yourselves. I got yarn for a really cool project, bwahaha.)

~Birdie

A Letter to My Readers

Hello readers!

To those of you who still follow me, you deserve more than a gold medal.
To those of you who are new...well.
Here's your welcome letter.

Bear with me, this is an incredibly long post.
But it's important.

So once upon a time, I ran a blog called All the Stars and Boulevards.  Some of you may or may not remember it.  I was young (high school into early years of college) and I named it after a song by Augustana (pretty sure they aren't around anymore).

I was so very good at updating.
It was like a personal diary and I couldn't stop.
I wrote about my job.
I wrote about my life, my friends, people who made me mad, people who I loved.

But then one day I decided to drop it.
There were too many things going on.
I couldn't sort personal from what is acceptable to share.
So I walked away.

I tried a knitting blog, inspired by the Yarn Harlot.
That didn't work well.
It was too hard for me to stay on top of pictures and projects.
I gave up.

I created a book blog.
That was a school project for a Young Adult Literature class I was taking.
I was very proud of it (I still am) but try as I might, I can't get myself to go back to it.

Somewhere in the middle, this beautiful blog came about.
The quote is from Rumi, and it's always resonated with me.
The point of this blog was to do what the original blog did, but better.

And then I stopped blogging altogether.

There are periodic posts here and there on this blog, jumbled and confused and whatever else.

But I want to be back for good this time.  I have so many things in my head and what better way than to skewer myself on the Internet.  Maybe I should keep things private; after all, so many things have happened.

Keeping it private doesn't help anyone else though.  And besides, I'm learning people online mean well overall, and if anyone wants to talk, it opens me up for that.

Alright.  Up to speed so far?
Excellent.
This is where the tornado starts.
Hold on Dorothy, this isn't Kansas anymore.

So what happened to make me stop?

Maybe I explained everything in a previous post somewhere, but I have no desire to go through my archives.  I might actually burn them so this can be a fresh start.  So let's go with a fresh start.

My sister's fiance killed himself.
Wait, let's go back further.
I got married.
Wait, stuff came before that.
Let's go back to the beginning, actually.

2014 was the most stressful year I'd had in a really long time.  I had just figured out, after an associates and a year at a four year school, what I wanted to do with my life.  At first I thought I wanted to be a park ranger.  But if I had paid attention to what my associates said ("creative writing"), I would have realized sooner that I'm drawn to words.  English Education finally came to me, and it's a fantastic fit.  So I was switching from a highly stressful education path to an equally stressful one, the key being I was (and still am) in love with it.

That was the summer of my sister's fiance as well, a man who could be charming and funny but turn on a dime.  He had Type I Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and several other things going on.

 Mental disorders tend to get glossed over.  We're afraid to talk about them, and we're afraid to deal with them.  I'm ashamed to say that I was afraid to deal with his.

What ended up happening instead was a summer of him harassing me to the point where I was afraid to go home if I saw a car that even remotely looked like his, and me not knowing how to deal with it and not knowing how to sort what was just manipulative from his environment (because there was a lot of that going on) and what was biological.

The records of text messages I kept that summer filled a file folder.
My sister still loved him.
I started seeing a therapist and psychiatrist.
My anxiety attacks went through the roof and I was put on low doses of antidepressants (which didn't make me feel better) and Xanax as needed.

The year passed.

2015 showed great promise.
I brought my GPA up a bit, planned my wedding, and just generally loved life.  School ended well in the spring semester - I got to try so many things, a painting class and meeting authors and just so many wonderful things.

I got married.
It was beautiful and simple and I felt like a princess.  My husband and I have been together since 2011; he's the only person I've ever been with, and I love him so much.  We spent a week afterwards trying to figure out further plans.  We still lived (and still do live) with my parents because the economy is so bad and we're both full time students, but it works out.  It worked out.

Everything was wonderful and my life felt right.

And then everything wasn't okay.

Suicide is a very difficult thing to talk about.  It's hard, it's stigmatized like so many other things, and it scares a lot of people.  But that's what happened, and I'm tired of sugar coating it.  I've tip toed telling people what really happened.  I'm sick of pitying looks and I know everyone else is too.

My therapist once told me that when someone dies of cancer or other illness, we are sad, but we often say that they're no longer in pain.
The same should go for suicide.
It's not something we wish on anyone, and so many people react in anger to the person who left.
But we can't know how much pain that person was in, and on some level, they aren't hurting any more.

Life is so complicated sometimes.

So here it is:

My sister's fiance shot himself in the head.

We were on vacation to see my relatives who live out of state.  We were sharing our wedding and our photos, how beautiful everything was.  My husband and I were happy, and even though all five of us (my sister, the two of us, and my parents) were crammed in a single hotel room for a week, it was good.  Every time I see my family, it's good.

He was not invited, for reasons listed way above.

We dropped my sister off at her apartment, my dad walking her up to the door.
They found the body.
They found an extra bullet waiting for her on the night stand table.

She later told us that if my dad hadn't been there, she would have used it.
We still cry when we think about it.

I still remember hearing her scream and knowing exactly what had happened before anyone could tell me as I sat in the van.

I still remember thinking I had to go to the bathroom but would rather wait than ask to use theirs.
I would have seen the body as well if I hadn't waited.

I still remember that he was only a month older than me.

So then of course there is so much to deal with.
My sister's pain.
His family and how in their hurt, they handled my sister so poorly.
How all of us felt some piece of guilt.
How when I threw that file of text messages away, I wondered (and still do) if I could have somehow made thing different.

I used to have nightmares where I could hear her scream still.
I would close my eyes, see her face and hear her sobs as I held her with my mom and husband.
I tried to change the tracks.
I tried to not take Xanax daily.
I tried to avoid it until I couldn't any longer.

I couldn't imagine how hard it hurt her.

I still can't.

Somehow we made it through the summer.
School started again in the fall.

I was diagnosed with Type II Bipolar Disorder on the first day of school.
I would have been diagnosed sooner if I hadn't spent a year lying to everyone because I was afraid of turning out like him.

It wasn't the end of the world even though I thought it was on that August day as I cried on the train.

The world still hasn't ended.
If anything, it's gotten better for me.
I'm back to rapid cycling, but it's no longer daily.
I cycle about weekly now.
And I have an appointment to tweak that this week.

There is always hope.

But before that, I couldn't see it.

And then, my husband got me interested in something.  There is a game series called Metal Gear Solid.  Perhaps you are familiar with it.  I don't play video games, but he's played it from the first game all the way through the Phantom Pain, the last installment.  I watched a few of the missions, and I was blown away by the care put into these characters.

I researched.
For the first time since I graduated community college, I started to write.
I wrote a character.  I wrote in the world of the established characters with the support and encouragement of my husband.
(He loves that I'm part of something, especially something he can talk with me about.)
I found something to give me purpose when I couldn't see through term papers, middle schoolers, the pain of the holidays.

I can't explain how much it saved me.
It still does.

Every time I write verse fics or read other fics or look at fanart or RP or even watch cutscenes of the games, I get out of my head for a little bit.  My therapist and I talk about it sometimes, how writing again with established characters takes some pressure off me and actually lets me write without criticism in my head, how I've created two original characters (OCs) that are the parts of me I can't handle in real life.

Actually, let's pause here and, in the words of the Good Mythical Morning boys, let's talk about that.

My first OC, a teenage girl on Mother Base who isn't quite sure where she fits, is all the emotions I've squelched (my therapist's words) my whole life.  She lets me escape being an adult, even if it's just for a bit.  I don't write her much anymore.  I think I don't need her right now; but I know that when I do need her, she's there.

My current one is...well...she's the parts of myself I struggle with.  She has my anxieties and my disorders and my insecurities, but she's also got some serious strength.  When I start to feel like I'm drowning, there's a part of me that remembers that if she can survive the scenarios I've placed her in, surely I can survive mine.  It doesn't take a hero to make it through; sometimes it's just being soft and kind, even if you're crying.

Knitting can only do so much, after all.
Reading patterns (with the exception of lace) doesn't help quiet the voices.
If anything, sometimes it makes them louder.
There's a reason I watch the Weather Channel while I knit.

I digress.

The best part of this discovery last year?

I met my best friend.

It's always funny to me how paths cross, those golden strands fate weaves, how nothing is by chance.  Not a month after being in this fandom and writing for the first time in so long, he crossed my path.  At first, it was just to talk fanfiction.  But honestly, after a week, it wasn't that.

Personal life spilled into it.
I never open myself to anyone.
If you open up, it gives a chance to get hurt.

But I did with him.
I opened myself wide and I let him into my Cancer shell.
I helped him through struggles.
He helped me when I couldn't get out of my head.

He still does.

He lives several states away, so visiting in person is more than a midnight drive, but I know that if I call at 1am with a crisis, he'll answer the phone.
When my moods are out of control, he's there.
When something good happens, he's the first to know outside of my husband.

He's fantastic and I don't know how I got so fortunate to have him in my life.
He's my family.
I don't know what I would do without him in my life.
And to think, if I hadn't gotten interested in a fandom of a game I don't play, I wouldn't have met him.
Life is strange, isn't it?

I think life comes down to personal connections.
Even when I cant see straight, I still believe that.

My parents are amazing.
My sister is too.

And my husband.
God, I don't even know where to begin.
He takes better care of me than I do myself sometimes and I love him so much.
He's my rock.
He loves that I'm doing things again.
He loves that I met a great friend.
He loves that somehow, I'm finding myself again.
(Even if this month I've been completely off kilter.)

I've given him opportunities to leave.
Loving someone with mental illness can be hard.
But he's steadfast.

God blessed me with the people around me more than I can express.

School started again.
I made some connections with classmates that have carried.
I brought my GPA up, even though I still have a bit to go before it's where I want it.
I graduate in three semesters, and one of those is student teaching.
I'm terrified and it exhilarates me as much as it gives me nightmares.

I refuse to stop because of it though.

All of this is to say in a very long winded way, it is now the summer of 2016.

I am still here.

I still write for fandom.
I still paint periodically.
I've started taking walks and exploring around where I live, something I've not done before.
Sometimes I play my violin.
I've started singing in the shower again.
I went through Year and a Day, and took the mantle of Raven, the Seer.
I can read tarot like no one's business and if you need a spell, well, I have candle magic down.

And of course I still knit like a mad woman, sometimes until my hands hurt.

I am still here.

I am not leaving again.

So welcome back, old readers.
And welcome welcome, new readers.

We're caught up, so lets venture forward, shall we?

~Birdie