Hello lovely readers!
So here is kind of an update of what's been going on with me since I last wrote a post about what's going on in my life.
Last semester I ended up opting to graduate and drop student teaching. There were a lot of factors involved, some including me being burned out, some including other people making decisions for me that were not theirs to make. I'm not going to lie, I was angry about it for a long time because in the end, I felt like I didn't really make the choice but rather had it forced on me.
But things have a way of working how they need to, and this was no different.
I currently work at a middle school with students with severe needs. It's so very different from what I went to school for (English Ed) but it's been so good for me. The first two weeks were stressful and I didn't know if I could do it. But going into week three, I realize I know how to do my job and I actually enjoy it. I feel better about teaching and working, and the experience I'm getting is invaluable to when I run my own classroom.
Today I received my Bachelors degree in the mail. It feels so surreal and amazing. I plan to walk in December, and there will be celebrating and all sorts of good things. I feel proud of myself for coming this far, honestly. I now have two college degrees (an Associates and a Bachelors) and the opportunities I have are wide open. It's an amazing feeling. I feel like I can take on anything.
I've also made the choice to student teach next fall. It's something I've been thinking about for a while now, but I'm ready to make that commitment now. There are two, maybe three, ways it can go. But to get into those, I need to back up further.
So my husband's family is all in New Mexico. We currently live with my parents in Colorado. His grandfather had a few strokes last year and could use some help getting around and stuff, and his mom has her hands tied. The decision we've made is that next summer we're going to move down there and live with his grandfather, helping out while getting a huge house to run rent free. It actually is a pretty great deal - we're allowed to do what we want with the house, I can have a garden, we're going to get a puppy, and there's room for us to expand our family in a few years.
How does this affect student teaching?
Well, there was a girl in my class last semester who was moving to Washington and they made it so she could student teach in the program out of state. It's something the school does that I completely forgot about; I just emailed one of my mentors at the school to verify that it can happen. So if we move to New Mexico, I can student teach through my school out of state.
Then, another plan. My husband is finishing his degree and has two semesters left. He has to appeal for financial aid because the government is denying him it, because he has too many credit hours total over his college career. There are two ways this can go, and it's fairly stressful. One, he can finish the appeal process and they'll cover him for this semester and next, and we go ahead with moving, and I student teach out of state. Two, he has to take a semester off and work for a bit, and finishes next fall, which means that I student teach in Colorado next fall and we move during January to New Mexico.
Another plan. We end up staying in Colorado because of the job market and I student teach then get a job here in Colorado.
Final plan, and the one I hope it doesn't come down to. He moves to New Mexico and I stay here a semester to student teach, then move down to join him. I pray this does not happen this way. But if it does, we deal one day at a time.
Regardless, I'll get my license by the end of next year, and he'll hopefully be able to graduate. I plan on getting my sub license as well, so really, my job options are endless.
Anyway, that's what's been going on. A lot more happened over the summer (we went to Disneyland!) but that's for another post.
~Birdie
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Monday, August 28, 2017
Monday, July 18, 2016
A Letter to My Readers
Hello readers!
To those of you who still follow me, you deserve more than a gold medal.
To those of you who are new...well.
Here's your welcome letter.
Bear with me, this is an incredibly long post.
But it's important.
So once upon a time, I ran a blog called All the Stars and Boulevards. Some of you may or may not remember it. I was young (high school into early years of college) and I named it after a song by Augustana (pretty sure they aren't around anymore).
I was so very good at updating.
It was like a personal diary and I couldn't stop.
I wrote about my job.
I wrote about my life, my friends, people who made me mad, people who I loved.
But then one day I decided to drop it.
There were too many things going on.
I couldn't sort personal from what is acceptable to share.
So I walked away.
I tried a knitting blog, inspired by the Yarn Harlot.
That didn't work well.
It was too hard for me to stay on top of pictures and projects.
I gave up.
I created a book blog.
That was a school project for a Young Adult Literature class I was taking.
I was very proud of it (I still am) but try as I might, I can't get myself to go back to it.
Somewhere in the middle, this beautiful blog came about.
The quote is from Rumi, and it's always resonated with me.
The point of this blog was to do what the original blog did, but better.
And then I stopped blogging altogether.
There are periodic posts here and there on this blog, jumbled and confused and whatever else.
But I want to be back for good this time. I have so many things in my head and what better way than to skewer myself on the Internet. Maybe I should keep things private; after all, so many things have happened.
Keeping it private doesn't help anyone else though. And besides, I'm learning people online mean well overall, and if anyone wants to talk, it opens me up for that.
Alright. Up to speed so far?
Excellent.
This is where the tornado starts.
Hold on Dorothy, this isn't Kansas anymore.
So what happened to make me stop?
Maybe I explained everything in a previous post somewhere, but I have no desire to go through my archives. I might actually burn them so this can be a fresh start. So let's go with a fresh start.
My sister's fiance killed himself.
Wait, let's go back further.
I got married.
Wait, stuff came before that.
Let's go back to the beginning, actually.
2014 was the most stressful year I'd had in a really long time. I had just figured out, after an associates and a year at a four year school, what I wanted to do with my life. At first I thought I wanted to be a park ranger. But if I had paid attention to what my associates said ("creative writing"), I would have realized sooner that I'm drawn to words. English Education finally came to me, and it's a fantastic fit. So I was switching from a highly stressful education path to an equally stressful one, the key being I was (and still am) in love with it.
That was the summer of my sister's fiance as well, a man who could be charming and funny but turn on a dime. He had Type I Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and several other things going on.
Mental disorders tend to get glossed over. We're afraid to talk about them, and we're afraid to deal with them. I'm ashamed to say that I was afraid to deal with his.
What ended up happening instead was a summer of him harassing me to the point where I was afraid to go home if I saw a car that even remotely looked like his, and me not knowing how to deal with it and not knowing how to sort what was just manipulative from his environment (because there was a lot of that going on) and what was biological.
The records of text messages I kept that summer filled a file folder.
My sister still loved him.
I started seeing a therapist and psychiatrist.
My anxiety attacks went through the roof and I was put on low doses of antidepressants (which didn't make me feel better) and Xanax as needed.
The year passed.
2015 showed great promise.
I brought my GPA up a bit, planned my wedding, and just generally loved life. School ended well in the spring semester - I got to try so many things, a painting class and meeting authors and just so many wonderful things.
I got married.
It was beautiful and simple and I felt like a princess. My husband and I have been together since 2011; he's the only person I've ever been with, and I love him so much. We spent a week afterwards trying to figure out further plans. We still lived (and still do live) with my parents because the economy is so bad and we're both full time students, but it works out. It worked out.
Everything was wonderful and my life felt right.
And then everything wasn't okay.
Suicide is a very difficult thing to talk about. It's hard, it's stigmatized like so many other things, and it scares a lot of people. But that's what happened, and I'm tired of sugar coating it. I've tip toed telling people what really happened. I'm sick of pitying looks and I know everyone else is too.
My therapist once told me that when someone dies of cancer or other illness, we are sad, but we often say that they're no longer in pain.
The same should go for suicide.
It's not something we wish on anyone, and so many people react in anger to the person who left.
But we can't know how much pain that person was in, and on some level, they aren't hurting any more.
Life is so complicated sometimes.
So here it is:
My sister's fiance shot himself in the head.
We were on vacation to see my relatives who live out of state. We were sharing our wedding and our photos, how beautiful everything was. My husband and I were happy, and even though all five of us (my sister, the two of us, and my parents) were crammed in a single hotel room for a week, it was good. Every time I see my family, it's good.
He was not invited, for reasons listed way above.
We dropped my sister off at her apartment, my dad walking her up to the door.
They found the body.
They found an extra bullet waiting for her on the night stand table.
She later told us that if my dad hadn't been there, she would have used it.
We still cry when we think about it.
I still remember hearing her scream and knowing exactly what had happened before anyone could tell me as I sat in the van.
I still remember thinking I had to go to the bathroom but would rather wait than ask to use theirs.
I would have seen the body as well if I hadn't waited.
I still remember that he was only a month older than me.
So then of course there is so much to deal with.
My sister's pain.
His family and how in their hurt, they handled my sister so poorly.
How all of us felt some piece of guilt.
How when I threw that file of text messages away, I wondered (and still do) if I could have somehow made thing different.
I used to have nightmares where I could hear her scream still.
I would close my eyes, see her face and hear her sobs as I held her with my mom and husband.
I tried to change the tracks.
I tried to not take Xanax daily.
I tried to avoid it until I couldn't any longer.
I couldn't imagine how hard it hurt her.
I still can't.
Somehow we made it through the summer.
School started again in the fall.
I was diagnosed with Type II Bipolar Disorder on the first day of school.
I would have been diagnosed sooner if I hadn't spent a year lying to everyone because I was afraid of turning out like him.
It wasn't the end of the world even though I thought it was on that August day as I cried on the train.
The world still hasn't ended.
If anything, it's gotten better for me.
I'm back to rapid cycling, but it's no longer daily.
I cycle about weekly now.
And I have an appointment to tweak that this week.
There is always hope.
But before that, I couldn't see it.
And then, my husband got me interested in something. There is a game series called Metal Gear Solid. Perhaps you are familiar with it. I don't play video games, but he's played it from the first game all the way through the Phantom Pain, the last installment. I watched a few of the missions, and I was blown away by the care put into these characters.
I researched.
For the first time since I graduated community college, I started to write.
I wrote a character. I wrote in the world of the established characters with the support and encouragement of my husband.
(He loves that I'm part of something, especially something he can talk with me about.)
I found something to give me purpose when I couldn't see through term papers, middle schoolers, the pain of the holidays.
I can't explain how much it saved me.
It still does.
Every time I write verse fics or read other fics or look at fanart or RP or even watch cutscenes of the games, I get out of my head for a little bit. My therapist and I talk about it sometimes, how writing again with established characters takes some pressure off me and actually lets me write without criticism in my head, how I've created two original characters (OCs) that are the parts of me I can't handle in real life.
Actually, let's pause here and, in the words of the Good Mythical Morning boys, let's talk about that.
My first OC, a teenage girl on Mother Base who isn't quite sure where she fits, is all the emotions I've squelched (my therapist's words) my whole life. She lets me escape being an adult, even if it's just for a bit. I don't write her much anymore. I think I don't need her right now; but I know that when I do need her, she's there.
My current one is...well...she's the parts of myself I struggle with. She has my anxieties and my disorders and my insecurities, but she's also got some serious strength. When I start to feel like I'm drowning, there's a part of me that remembers that if she can survive the scenarios I've placed her in, surely I can survive mine. It doesn't take a hero to make it through; sometimes it's just being soft and kind, even if you're crying.
Knitting can only do so much, after all.
Reading patterns (with the exception of lace) doesn't help quiet the voices.
If anything, sometimes it makes them louder.
There's a reason I watch the Weather Channel while I knit.
I digress.
The best part of this discovery last year?
I met my best friend.
It's always funny to me how paths cross, those golden strands fate weaves, how nothing is by chance. Not a month after being in this fandom and writing for the first time in so long, he crossed my path. At first, it was just to talk fanfiction. But honestly, after a week, it wasn't that.
Personal life spilled into it.
I never open myself to anyone.
If you open up, it gives a chance to get hurt.
But I did with him.
I opened myself wide and I let him into my Cancer shell.
I helped him through struggles.
He helped me when I couldn't get out of my head.
He still does.
He lives several states away, so visiting in person is more than a midnight drive, but I know that if I call at 1am with a crisis, he'll answer the phone.
When my moods are out of control, he's there.
When something good happens, he's the first to know outside of my husband.
He's fantastic and I don't know how I got so fortunate to have him in my life.
He's my family.
I don't know what I would do without him in my life.
And to think, if I hadn't gotten interested in a fandom of a game I don't play, I wouldn't have met him.
Life is strange, isn't it?
I think life comes down to personal connections.
Even when I cant see straight, I still believe that.
My parents are amazing.
My sister is too.
And my husband.
God, I don't even know where to begin.
He takes better care of me than I do myself sometimes and I love him so much.
He's my rock.
He loves that I'm doing things again.
He loves that I met a great friend.
He loves that somehow, I'm finding myself again.
(Even if this month I've been completely off kilter.)
I've given him opportunities to leave.
Loving someone with mental illness can be hard.
But he's steadfast.
God blessed me with the people around me more than I can express.
School started again.
I made some connections with classmates that have carried.
I brought my GPA up, even though I still have a bit to go before it's where I want it.
I graduate in three semesters, and one of those is student teaching.
I'm terrified and it exhilarates me as much as it gives me nightmares.
I refuse to stop because of it though.
All of this is to say in a very long winded way, it is now the summer of 2016.
I am still here.
I still write for fandom.
I still paint periodically.
I've started taking walks and exploring around where I live, something I've not done before.
Sometimes I play my violin.
I've started singing in the shower again.
I went through Year and a Day, and took the mantle of Raven, the Seer.
I can read tarot like no one's business and if you need a spell, well, I have candle magic down.
And of course I still knit like a mad woman, sometimes until my hands hurt.
I am still here.
I am not leaving again.
So welcome back, old readers.
And welcome welcome, new readers.
We're caught up, so lets venture forward, shall we?
~Birdie
To those of you who still follow me, you deserve more than a gold medal.
To those of you who are new...well.
Here's your welcome letter.
Bear with me, this is an incredibly long post.
But it's important.
So once upon a time, I ran a blog called All the Stars and Boulevards. Some of you may or may not remember it. I was young (high school into early years of college) and I named it after a song by Augustana (pretty sure they aren't around anymore).
I was so very good at updating.
It was like a personal diary and I couldn't stop.
I wrote about my job.
I wrote about my life, my friends, people who made me mad, people who I loved.
But then one day I decided to drop it.
There were too many things going on.
I couldn't sort personal from what is acceptable to share.
So I walked away.
I tried a knitting blog, inspired by the Yarn Harlot.
That didn't work well.
It was too hard for me to stay on top of pictures and projects.
I gave up.
I created a book blog.
That was a school project for a Young Adult Literature class I was taking.
I was very proud of it (I still am) but try as I might, I can't get myself to go back to it.
Somewhere in the middle, this beautiful blog came about.
The quote is from Rumi, and it's always resonated with me.
The point of this blog was to do what the original blog did, but better.
And then I stopped blogging altogether.
There are periodic posts here and there on this blog, jumbled and confused and whatever else.
But I want to be back for good this time. I have so many things in my head and what better way than to skewer myself on the Internet. Maybe I should keep things private; after all, so many things have happened.
Keeping it private doesn't help anyone else though. And besides, I'm learning people online mean well overall, and if anyone wants to talk, it opens me up for that.
Alright. Up to speed so far?
Excellent.
This is where the tornado starts.
Hold on Dorothy, this isn't Kansas anymore.
So what happened to make me stop?
Maybe I explained everything in a previous post somewhere, but I have no desire to go through my archives. I might actually burn them so this can be a fresh start. So let's go with a fresh start.
My sister's fiance killed himself.
Wait, let's go back further.
I got married.
Wait, stuff came before that.
Let's go back to the beginning, actually.
2014 was the most stressful year I'd had in a really long time. I had just figured out, after an associates and a year at a four year school, what I wanted to do with my life. At first I thought I wanted to be a park ranger. But if I had paid attention to what my associates said ("creative writing"), I would have realized sooner that I'm drawn to words. English Education finally came to me, and it's a fantastic fit. So I was switching from a highly stressful education path to an equally stressful one, the key being I was (and still am) in love with it.
That was the summer of my sister's fiance as well, a man who could be charming and funny but turn on a dime. He had Type I Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and several other things going on.
Mental disorders tend to get glossed over. We're afraid to talk about them, and we're afraid to deal with them. I'm ashamed to say that I was afraid to deal with his.
What ended up happening instead was a summer of him harassing me to the point where I was afraid to go home if I saw a car that even remotely looked like his, and me not knowing how to deal with it and not knowing how to sort what was just manipulative from his environment (because there was a lot of that going on) and what was biological.
The records of text messages I kept that summer filled a file folder.
My sister still loved him.
I started seeing a therapist and psychiatrist.
My anxiety attacks went through the roof and I was put on low doses of antidepressants (which didn't make me feel better) and Xanax as needed.
The year passed.
2015 showed great promise.
I brought my GPA up a bit, planned my wedding, and just generally loved life. School ended well in the spring semester - I got to try so many things, a painting class and meeting authors and just so many wonderful things.
I got married.
It was beautiful and simple and I felt like a princess. My husband and I have been together since 2011; he's the only person I've ever been with, and I love him so much. We spent a week afterwards trying to figure out further plans. We still lived (and still do live) with my parents because the economy is so bad and we're both full time students, but it works out. It worked out.
Everything was wonderful and my life felt right.
And then everything wasn't okay.
Suicide is a very difficult thing to talk about. It's hard, it's stigmatized like so many other things, and it scares a lot of people. But that's what happened, and I'm tired of sugar coating it. I've tip toed telling people what really happened. I'm sick of pitying looks and I know everyone else is too.
My therapist once told me that when someone dies of cancer or other illness, we are sad, but we often say that they're no longer in pain.
The same should go for suicide.
It's not something we wish on anyone, and so many people react in anger to the person who left.
But we can't know how much pain that person was in, and on some level, they aren't hurting any more.
Life is so complicated sometimes.
So here it is:
My sister's fiance shot himself in the head.
We were on vacation to see my relatives who live out of state. We were sharing our wedding and our photos, how beautiful everything was. My husband and I were happy, and even though all five of us (my sister, the two of us, and my parents) were crammed in a single hotel room for a week, it was good. Every time I see my family, it's good.
He was not invited, for reasons listed way above.
We dropped my sister off at her apartment, my dad walking her up to the door.
They found the body.
They found an extra bullet waiting for her on the night stand table.
She later told us that if my dad hadn't been there, she would have used it.
We still cry when we think about it.
I still remember hearing her scream and knowing exactly what had happened before anyone could tell me as I sat in the van.
I still remember thinking I had to go to the bathroom but would rather wait than ask to use theirs.
I would have seen the body as well if I hadn't waited.
I still remember that he was only a month older than me.
So then of course there is so much to deal with.
My sister's pain.
His family and how in their hurt, they handled my sister so poorly.
How all of us felt some piece of guilt.
How when I threw that file of text messages away, I wondered (and still do) if I could have somehow made thing different.
I used to have nightmares where I could hear her scream still.
I would close my eyes, see her face and hear her sobs as I held her with my mom and husband.
I tried to change the tracks.
I tried to not take Xanax daily.
I tried to avoid it until I couldn't any longer.
I couldn't imagine how hard it hurt her.
I still can't.
Somehow we made it through the summer.
School started again in the fall.
I was diagnosed with Type II Bipolar Disorder on the first day of school.
I would have been diagnosed sooner if I hadn't spent a year lying to everyone because I was afraid of turning out like him.
It wasn't the end of the world even though I thought it was on that August day as I cried on the train.
The world still hasn't ended.
If anything, it's gotten better for me.
I'm back to rapid cycling, but it's no longer daily.
I cycle about weekly now.
And I have an appointment to tweak that this week.
There is always hope.
But before that, I couldn't see it.
And then, my husband got me interested in something. There is a game series called Metal Gear Solid. Perhaps you are familiar with it. I don't play video games, but he's played it from the first game all the way through the Phantom Pain, the last installment. I watched a few of the missions, and I was blown away by the care put into these characters.
I researched.
For the first time since I graduated community college, I started to write.
I wrote a character. I wrote in the world of the established characters with the support and encouragement of my husband.
(He loves that I'm part of something, especially something he can talk with me about.)
I found something to give me purpose when I couldn't see through term papers, middle schoolers, the pain of the holidays.
I can't explain how much it saved me.
It still does.
Every time I write verse fics or read other fics or look at fanart or RP or even watch cutscenes of the games, I get out of my head for a little bit. My therapist and I talk about it sometimes, how writing again with established characters takes some pressure off me and actually lets me write without criticism in my head, how I've created two original characters (OCs) that are the parts of me I can't handle in real life.
Actually, let's pause here and, in the words of the Good Mythical Morning boys, let's talk about that.
My first OC, a teenage girl on Mother Base who isn't quite sure where she fits, is all the emotions I've squelched (my therapist's words) my whole life. She lets me escape being an adult, even if it's just for a bit. I don't write her much anymore. I think I don't need her right now; but I know that when I do need her, she's there.
My current one is...well...she's the parts of myself I struggle with. She has my anxieties and my disorders and my insecurities, but she's also got some serious strength. When I start to feel like I'm drowning, there's a part of me that remembers that if she can survive the scenarios I've placed her in, surely I can survive mine. It doesn't take a hero to make it through; sometimes it's just being soft and kind, even if you're crying.
Knitting can only do so much, after all.
Reading patterns (with the exception of lace) doesn't help quiet the voices.
If anything, sometimes it makes them louder.
There's a reason I watch the Weather Channel while I knit.
I digress.
The best part of this discovery last year?
I met my best friend.
It's always funny to me how paths cross, those golden strands fate weaves, how nothing is by chance. Not a month after being in this fandom and writing for the first time in so long, he crossed my path. At first, it was just to talk fanfiction. But honestly, after a week, it wasn't that.
Personal life spilled into it.
I never open myself to anyone.
If you open up, it gives a chance to get hurt.
But I did with him.
I opened myself wide and I let him into my Cancer shell.
I helped him through struggles.
He helped me when I couldn't get out of my head.
He still does.
He lives several states away, so visiting in person is more than a midnight drive, but I know that if I call at 1am with a crisis, he'll answer the phone.
When my moods are out of control, he's there.
When something good happens, he's the first to know outside of my husband.
He's fantastic and I don't know how I got so fortunate to have him in my life.
He's my family.
I don't know what I would do without him in my life.
And to think, if I hadn't gotten interested in a fandom of a game I don't play, I wouldn't have met him.
Life is strange, isn't it?
I think life comes down to personal connections.
Even when I cant see straight, I still believe that.
My parents are amazing.
My sister is too.
And my husband.
God, I don't even know where to begin.
He takes better care of me than I do myself sometimes and I love him so much.
He's my rock.
He loves that I'm doing things again.
He loves that I met a great friend.
He loves that somehow, I'm finding myself again.
(Even if this month I've been completely off kilter.)
I've given him opportunities to leave.
Loving someone with mental illness can be hard.
But he's steadfast.
God blessed me with the people around me more than I can express.
School started again.
I made some connections with classmates that have carried.
I brought my GPA up, even though I still have a bit to go before it's where I want it.
I graduate in three semesters, and one of those is student teaching.
I'm terrified and it exhilarates me as much as it gives me nightmares.
I refuse to stop because of it though.
All of this is to say in a very long winded way, it is now the summer of 2016.
I am still here.
I still write for fandom.
I still paint periodically.
I've started taking walks and exploring around where I live, something I've not done before.
Sometimes I play my violin.
I've started singing in the shower again.
I went through Year and a Day, and took the mantle of Raven, the Seer.
I can read tarot like no one's business and if you need a spell, well, I have candle magic down.
And of course I still knit like a mad woman, sometimes until my hands hurt.
I am still here.
I am not leaving again.
So welcome back, old readers.
And welcome welcome, new readers.
We're caught up, so lets venture forward, shall we?
~Birdie
Tuesday, March 18, 2014
The Post Electric
So hi again, my dear sweet readers.
I had a total meltdown yesterday over basically nothing and I've been sad over the past few days, but today seems to be looking up.
For one, I actually feel like I understand what we're covering in my statistics class. This is good. I got a C on the first test; I think I can redeem myself on this next test. I asked my professor what the best way to study for the test is and he confirmed what I was leaning towards: work the problems. Work them over and over and over again until I can basically do them in my sleep.
So hopefully this will work and I'll pass this class higher than a C.
Still lost in maps use. I have so much trouble measuring a straight line. This is probably not good. Granted, it makes my numbers off in the class, but what if this was real life? I would be so lost in the middle of nowhere.
Who am I kidding? I'm always lost in the middle of nowhere, even if that nowhere is my mind.
Wow, that was cryptic. My bad.
My mom, after witnessing my meltdown, said I needed to do something about it. As she told me yesterday, I should start writing down things about myself, journal about myself and who I am - what I like about myself, what I don't like about myself, etc.
It seems so juvenile, doesn't it? I'm nearly 24, and my mom still has to give me advice on exploring who I am because I don't spend enough time on myself, apparently. And she said that if I don't somehow pull myself out of this, then I'm going to have to call my therapist again.
(Yes, loves. I have a therapist. I saw her over the summer when the shit got real, and I have her number in my phone. There is nothing wrong with admitting that you can't do something yourself and that you need help. It's a very good thing to get help, to acknowledge that you are struggling, and to let someone hear you and bounce ideas to you.)
So, that makes me wonder. Isn't that the point of this blog? Maybe I'm using it wrong. I have always thought of blogging as a place to dump my thoughts out of my head and into a void where someone may or may not read them and may or may not benefit from them.
(Also, you are always welcome and free to comment. Feedback is always good. I notice I get a fair number of hits but few comments. Please, feel free to engage me. :) )
I keep a paper bound journal for the heavy stuff that I don't feel I can share on here. And because writing on paper clears my soul almost more than a computer can. However, I can type a lot faster than I can write in cursive on a page. Hmm.
So yes, let's use this as a dumping place. As an exploring place. And you, my lovely readers, are going to possibly get sick of me. But this is the best I've got and frankly, I've been pretty on the edge lately.
Where should we start?
As I said earlier, I did have a better day today. I got caught in a bit of a snowstorm at school while walking from one building to another. Community college spoiled me. All the classes were in one building. My current campus is huge and so much walking. Which is great.
Trev brought me a hat at my request when he showed up on campus, and he had lunch with myself and a really good friend of mine. I'm always happy when my fiance gets along with my friends. :)
I think the only part of today that wasn't super great (besides the snow) was the fact that I dropped my water bottle just right and it shattered. I have a really nice bottle that I carry. It's one of these, in the purple color shown in the picture. I love purple and I hate unfiltered water, and frankly, it's the only way I'll drink water when at school. I get so much use out of it.
And I dropped it. And it hit just right. And the entire top shattered.
Add this to yesterday when my backpack zipper broke, and I'm beginning to think the universe is possibly against me. Or telling me to slow down and relax.
(Trev is always trying to tell me that everything is not a sign, that sometimes a broken thing is just a broken thing. But seriously. I went to school and got a creative writing degree. For three years of my life, they pounded into my head that everything has a deeper meaning and sign. That doesn't get broken overnight. And yes, it did take me a long time to be able to read a book and just enjoy it.)
Anyway.
All day today I've been talking in my head in a British accent. Not sure why, except that I've been reading an absurd amount of Loki/Darcy fanfiction and when I do, all I can hear is Tom Hiddleston's voice in my ear.
Next post is going to be entirely about fanfiction. Because I honestly think it gets slammed way more than it should.
Alright, this post is long enough.
And I feel like it was pretty disjointed. My bad.
I'll write another post shortly.
~Meaghan
I had a total meltdown yesterday over basically nothing and I've been sad over the past few days, but today seems to be looking up.
For one, I actually feel like I understand what we're covering in my statistics class. This is good. I got a C on the first test; I think I can redeem myself on this next test. I asked my professor what the best way to study for the test is and he confirmed what I was leaning towards: work the problems. Work them over and over and over again until I can basically do them in my sleep.
So hopefully this will work and I'll pass this class higher than a C.
Still lost in maps use. I have so much trouble measuring a straight line. This is probably not good. Granted, it makes my numbers off in the class, but what if this was real life? I would be so lost in the middle of nowhere.
Who am I kidding? I'm always lost in the middle of nowhere, even if that nowhere is my mind.
Wow, that was cryptic. My bad.
My mom, after witnessing my meltdown, said I needed to do something about it. As she told me yesterday, I should start writing down things about myself, journal about myself and who I am - what I like about myself, what I don't like about myself, etc.
It seems so juvenile, doesn't it? I'm nearly 24, and my mom still has to give me advice on exploring who I am because I don't spend enough time on myself, apparently. And she said that if I don't somehow pull myself out of this, then I'm going to have to call my therapist again.
(Yes, loves. I have a therapist. I saw her over the summer when the shit got real, and I have her number in my phone. There is nothing wrong with admitting that you can't do something yourself and that you need help. It's a very good thing to get help, to acknowledge that you are struggling, and to let someone hear you and bounce ideas to you.)
So, that makes me wonder. Isn't that the point of this blog? Maybe I'm using it wrong. I have always thought of blogging as a place to dump my thoughts out of my head and into a void where someone may or may not read them and may or may not benefit from them.
(Also, you are always welcome and free to comment. Feedback is always good. I notice I get a fair number of hits but few comments. Please, feel free to engage me. :) )
I keep a paper bound journal for the heavy stuff that I don't feel I can share on here. And because writing on paper clears my soul almost more than a computer can. However, I can type a lot faster than I can write in cursive on a page. Hmm.
So yes, let's use this as a dumping place. As an exploring place. And you, my lovely readers, are going to possibly get sick of me. But this is the best I've got and frankly, I've been pretty on the edge lately.
Where should we start?
As I said earlier, I did have a better day today. I got caught in a bit of a snowstorm at school while walking from one building to another. Community college spoiled me. All the classes were in one building. My current campus is huge and so much walking. Which is great.
Trev brought me a hat at my request when he showed up on campus, and he had lunch with myself and a really good friend of mine. I'm always happy when my fiance gets along with my friends. :)
I think the only part of today that wasn't super great (besides the snow) was the fact that I dropped my water bottle just right and it shattered. I have a really nice bottle that I carry. It's one of these, in the purple color shown in the picture. I love purple and I hate unfiltered water, and frankly, it's the only way I'll drink water when at school. I get so much use out of it.
And I dropped it. And it hit just right. And the entire top shattered.
Add this to yesterday when my backpack zipper broke, and I'm beginning to think the universe is possibly against me. Or telling me to slow down and relax.
(Trev is always trying to tell me that everything is not a sign, that sometimes a broken thing is just a broken thing. But seriously. I went to school and got a creative writing degree. For three years of my life, they pounded into my head that everything has a deeper meaning and sign. That doesn't get broken overnight. And yes, it did take me a long time to be able to read a book and just enjoy it.)
Anyway.
All day today I've been talking in my head in a British accent. Not sure why, except that I've been reading an absurd amount of Loki/Darcy fanfiction and when I do, all I can hear is Tom Hiddleston's voice in my ear.
Next post is going to be entirely about fanfiction. Because I honestly think it gets slammed way more than it should.
Alright, this post is long enough.
And I feel like it was pretty disjointed. My bad.
I'll write another post shortly.
~Meaghan
Friday, September 27, 2013
Notes from the Blogger
Hi, my readers. :)
I'm realizing that going a month without blogging is apparently going to be the norm, at least for now. So I thought now would be a good time to create a few "editorial notes" about this lovely blog for the new readers (and older readers, as well).
So what should you know?
1. I am a College Student.
So, this doesn't mean a whole lot in the great scheme of things. Except that I am very science minded and will possibly be bringing it to this blog. I love science. I love learning. That's pretty key to knowing me. And that my time is crazy (and will remain crazy for at least the next four years), which brings me to...
2. Gaps in the Blog are Expected.
Yeah. So being a female science student who lives with her family and boyfriend while playing the violin and knitting has some serious perks. Like, I get to go out and observe organisms. And I get to have cuddle time with my man. And violin recitals and holiday/birthday/fun knitting projects and whatever else I can possibly fit in. So gaps are totally the norm here. I would love to be able to promise a blog post a week, but I can't make any guarantees.
3. Spirituality is Huge.
My faith is perhaps one of the few things that gets me through. I have a very strong relationship with the Devine, though it is not at all in a traditional way. It's a mix of so many things - energy and healing, Wicca thoughts, Christian principles, meditations, prayer, etc. I do not follow religion and I don't believe in hell or damnation. If this bothers you, I respect that. But please understand that my faith, being part of who I am, will probably come up at some point.
4. I Love Owls.
As will owls. Owls are my love. I have always loved them and I always will. Yes, I think they are cute, but it's so much more than that. Owls in the wild (and in captivity) are some of the most loving creatures you will find. They mate for life and spend their entire lives with their mate. Studies have been done on owls that lose their mates; most of the them wither away. Their calls are beautiful, their physical make up is beautiful, and they can represent so much - creativity, nighttime, wisdom, the moon. Owls are my creature. They will probably appear in this blog often.
5. I Knit Obsessively.
The original goal of this blog was to have a knitting blog like so many of the ones I follow. While that didn't work (too much of myself is interwoven into everything I do, I can't have one without the other), knitting is a huge driving force of what I do. It connects me to generations before me, to my mom, to the very center of creation. I love the colors, I love the textures. I love when a pattern forces me to learn a new technique. I also enjoy creating some of my own patterns.
6. I Write All the Time.
It may not be on here, but it's true. I carry a composition book with me and usually several notepads. I never know when an idea will hit me. And granted, writing is not something I want to make my living off of, but it is still something I love. It's expression, it's release, it's a natural part of me. And maybe one day I will have some essays published. We'll see.
7. I Also Read.
Reading is cool. I even bought a Nook with a Kindle app so I could read on the lightrail on my way to and from school easier. Books are amazing. I'm not a huge fantasy reader or fiction reader, but I love historical things and creative non-fiction. Science books and spiritual books also are great. I have this fear that if I stop reading, my mind will melt from ignorance. And that is just unacceptable.
8. I Tend to be Liberal.
No, I don't vote by party lines. That's dumb. Do your research and vote accordingly. But I am a very big supporter of free speech, basic freedoms, and the need to have self expression. I support gun control as well as the right to carry. I also support gay rights and the right to choose an abortion. Which leads to...
9. I Support Women's Rights.
Don't tell me what I can or can not do because of my gender. Better yet, don't tell me what I can or can not do in general. Because I will defy you. I hate rape culture and want more people to be aware of it. I do not support slut shaming. I don't think your virginity defines you. And I loathe anyone or anything that tries to bring women down. Women are awesome. We are strong and beautiful and sensitive, all in one.
And finally...
10. I Love Life.
I love it. Every part of it. And I want to learn all I can, do all I can, be all I can. I want to touch and taste and dream. If you can't handle that, then this blog is not for you.
There you have it, lovely readers. Turn back now if you must or plow ahead (or behind through the archives) if you are brave. This is a journey. It will always be a journey.
Until the next time we meet.
~Meaghan
I'm realizing that going a month without blogging is apparently going to be the norm, at least for now. So I thought now would be a good time to create a few "editorial notes" about this lovely blog for the new readers (and older readers, as well).
So what should you know?
1. I am a College Student.
So, this doesn't mean a whole lot in the great scheme of things. Except that I am very science minded and will possibly be bringing it to this blog. I love science. I love learning. That's pretty key to knowing me. And that my time is crazy (and will remain crazy for at least the next four years), which brings me to...
2. Gaps in the Blog are Expected.
Yeah. So being a female science student who lives with her family and boyfriend while playing the violin and knitting has some serious perks. Like, I get to go out and observe organisms. And I get to have cuddle time with my man. And violin recitals and holiday/birthday/fun knitting projects and whatever else I can possibly fit in. So gaps are totally the norm here. I would love to be able to promise a blog post a week, but I can't make any guarantees.
3. Spirituality is Huge.
My faith is perhaps one of the few things that gets me through. I have a very strong relationship with the Devine, though it is not at all in a traditional way. It's a mix of so many things - energy and healing, Wicca thoughts, Christian principles, meditations, prayer, etc. I do not follow religion and I don't believe in hell or damnation. If this bothers you, I respect that. But please understand that my faith, being part of who I am, will probably come up at some point.
4. I Love Owls.
As will owls. Owls are my love. I have always loved them and I always will. Yes, I think they are cute, but it's so much more than that. Owls in the wild (and in captivity) are some of the most loving creatures you will find. They mate for life and spend their entire lives with their mate. Studies have been done on owls that lose their mates; most of the them wither away. Their calls are beautiful, their physical make up is beautiful, and they can represent so much - creativity, nighttime, wisdom, the moon. Owls are my creature. They will probably appear in this blog often.
5. I Knit Obsessively.
The original goal of this blog was to have a knitting blog like so many of the ones I follow. While that didn't work (too much of myself is interwoven into everything I do, I can't have one without the other), knitting is a huge driving force of what I do. It connects me to generations before me, to my mom, to the very center of creation. I love the colors, I love the textures. I love when a pattern forces me to learn a new technique. I also enjoy creating some of my own patterns.
6. I Write All the Time.
It may not be on here, but it's true. I carry a composition book with me and usually several notepads. I never know when an idea will hit me. And granted, writing is not something I want to make my living off of, but it is still something I love. It's expression, it's release, it's a natural part of me. And maybe one day I will have some essays published. We'll see.
7. I Also Read.
Reading is cool. I even bought a Nook with a Kindle app so I could read on the lightrail on my way to and from school easier. Books are amazing. I'm not a huge fantasy reader or fiction reader, but I love historical things and creative non-fiction. Science books and spiritual books also are great. I have this fear that if I stop reading, my mind will melt from ignorance. And that is just unacceptable.
8. I Tend to be Liberal.
No, I don't vote by party lines. That's dumb. Do your research and vote accordingly. But I am a very big supporter of free speech, basic freedoms, and the need to have self expression. I support gun control as well as the right to carry. I also support gay rights and the right to choose an abortion. Which leads to...
9. I Support Women's Rights.
Don't tell me what I can or can not do because of my gender. Better yet, don't tell me what I can or can not do in general. Because I will defy you. I hate rape culture and want more people to be aware of it. I do not support slut shaming. I don't think your virginity defines you. And I loathe anyone or anything that tries to bring women down. Women are awesome. We are strong and beautiful and sensitive, all in one.
And finally...
10. I Love Life.
I love it. Every part of it. And I want to learn all I can, do all I can, be all I can. I want to touch and taste and dream. If you can't handle that, then this blog is not for you.
There you have it, lovely readers. Turn back now if you must or plow ahead (or behind through the archives) if you are brave. This is a journey. It will always be a journey.
Until the next time we meet.
~Meaghan
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
So Much Excitement!
Hello my dear readers!
Life has gotten progressively awesome. Where to start?
Um, my parents got me a new laptop for school as an early birthday present. It's the first computer I have not bought myself. My old one was getting ready to bite the dust pretty hard, so this is amazing that they were able to do that for me. Total gratitude, you know?
I got my financial aid for the school year under control. It's all loans, yet again. But you know what? I am taking out enough in loans that I was able to put my notice in at work. This means I will be able to focus entirely on pursuing my education.
Speaking of which, I'm adding on a teaching certificate and possibly a minor in women's studies. Exciting times, my readers. :)
Tomorrow I get to see my best friend for the first time since New Year's. She lives in Boston with her boyfriend, so visits are few. It's always so good to see them. I can not wait.
Oh. And my birthday is in 12 days. So that's exciting. :)
I am sure there is more, but I'm a bit braindead and am not thinking clearly.
Until we meet again,
~Meaghan
P.S. I wrote this while listening to the theme for Khan from the new Star Trek movie. Awesome and epic all rolled into one.
Life has gotten progressively awesome. Where to start?
Um, my parents got me a new laptop for school as an early birthday present. It's the first computer I have not bought myself. My old one was getting ready to bite the dust pretty hard, so this is amazing that they were able to do that for me. Total gratitude, you know?
I got my financial aid for the school year under control. It's all loans, yet again. But you know what? I am taking out enough in loans that I was able to put my notice in at work. This means I will be able to focus entirely on pursuing my education.
Speaking of which, I'm adding on a teaching certificate and possibly a minor in women's studies. Exciting times, my readers. :)
Tomorrow I get to see my best friend for the first time since New Year's. She lives in Boston with her boyfriend, so visits are few. It's always so good to see them. I can not wait.
Oh. And my birthday is in 12 days. So that's exciting. :)
I am sure there is more, but I'm a bit braindead and am not thinking clearly.
Until we meet again,
~Meaghan
P.S. I wrote this while listening to the theme for Khan from the new Star Trek movie. Awesome and epic all rolled into one.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Hi There
I realize I have skipped all of May, part of April, and part of June. It's just, things got so messy and I became so focused on trying to piece it back together that I forgot about you, my dear blog.
So let's start fresh.
I have started a yarn group. We're meeting tonight for the first time, and I am very hopeful. It's something I've wanted for a while but never had the courage to start until now.
(This is the power of a good therapist, good anti-depressants, and good chocolate. :) )
I have been knitting again, although it hasn't been with the fever pitch it had been before. It's not that I don't love my knitting any less. It's just that I've become more moderate about it. I'm finding a balance in all things. Letter writing, card making, knitting, counted cross stitch, exercise, reading - I'm trying to find time for it all.
And over all, I feel better.
Better than I have in a very, very long time actually.
It's amazing how when you're depressed, you don't realize that you aren't living. You just know you have to get up each morning and do whatever has to be done. You are in this haze and everything hurts and everything is numb at the same time.
And it took my sister landing in the hospital back in the later part of April for her own depression that forced me to look at mine.
I won't lie to you, readers. I still get anxious with social interactions and with the occasional trigger. I still cry.
But I'm not curled up in a ball, wondering what's wrong with me as I cry uncontrollably. I'm not getting up each morning to do nothing.
So many positive changes are happening. The yarn group is just the beginning.
I've signed up to do a 5K in August with my sister. It's this one and it looks incredible. I've never been super athletic, let alone run before. So this is huge. I've been training for two weeks now. I can now do half a mile in under ten minutes. That doesn't sound like a lot, but for me it is. My goal is to be at a ten minute mile by the end of the month.
I've been reading again for the first time in so long. The Game of Thrones book series is amazing. I'm not a huge fantasy person, but I just can't get enough of it. I'm in the midst of "A Clash of Kings" at the moment. I'm also reading some really good zombie fiction. :)
Today my sister and I are going out. We're going to get some pho and I'm getting a pedicure and acrylic nails, something I've wanted for a very long time. It feels selfish to me, but I've been assured that it's not. It's important to take care of me. And that's something that's just going to take time for me to learn.
Rest assured, boyfriend and parents are also doing well. Things seem to be running pretty smoothly with only minor bumps along the way. And for that, I am grateful.
I won't leave again for so long, my readers. Thank you for hanging with me. :)
~Meaghan
So let's start fresh.
I have started a yarn group. We're meeting tonight for the first time, and I am very hopeful. It's something I've wanted for a while but never had the courage to start until now.
(This is the power of a good therapist, good anti-depressants, and good chocolate. :) )
I have been knitting again, although it hasn't been with the fever pitch it had been before. It's not that I don't love my knitting any less. It's just that I've become more moderate about it. I'm finding a balance in all things. Letter writing, card making, knitting, counted cross stitch, exercise, reading - I'm trying to find time for it all.
And over all, I feel better.
Better than I have in a very, very long time actually.
It's amazing how when you're depressed, you don't realize that you aren't living. You just know you have to get up each morning and do whatever has to be done. You are in this haze and everything hurts and everything is numb at the same time.
And it took my sister landing in the hospital back in the later part of April for her own depression that forced me to look at mine.
I won't lie to you, readers. I still get anxious with social interactions and with the occasional trigger. I still cry.
But I'm not curled up in a ball, wondering what's wrong with me as I cry uncontrollably. I'm not getting up each morning to do nothing.
So many positive changes are happening. The yarn group is just the beginning.
I've signed up to do a 5K in August with my sister. It's this one and it looks incredible. I've never been super athletic, let alone run before. So this is huge. I've been training for two weeks now. I can now do half a mile in under ten minutes. That doesn't sound like a lot, but for me it is. My goal is to be at a ten minute mile by the end of the month.
I've been reading again for the first time in so long. The Game of Thrones book series is amazing. I'm not a huge fantasy person, but I just can't get enough of it. I'm in the midst of "A Clash of Kings" at the moment. I'm also reading some really good zombie fiction. :)
Today my sister and I are going out. We're going to get some pho and I'm getting a pedicure and acrylic nails, something I've wanted for a very long time. It feels selfish to me, but I've been assured that it's not. It's important to take care of me. And that's something that's just going to take time for me to learn.
Rest assured, boyfriend and parents are also doing well. Things seem to be running pretty smoothly with only minor bumps along the way. And for that, I am grateful.
I won't leave again for so long, my readers. Thank you for hanging with me. :)
~Meaghan
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