I Knit, a Poem

The following is a quick poem I wrote this morning.

I Knit

I knit 

To keep myself sane 

To keep myself going

To keep myself focused when the anxiety feels like it will swallow me whole.

I knit 

To stop myself from eating my emotions 

To stop myself from picking my scabs and acne

To stop myself from screaming in the face of things I can’t control.

I knit

To wrap my loved ones in comfort

To wrap myself in a soothing rhythm

To wrap my world in a type of bubble wrap that keeps things safe.

I knit 

To create 

Calm, love, peace, new starts.  

I knit 

To destroy 

Pain, frustration, ugliness, stress.

I knit 

Because I am.

Breathe in.

Purl two.

Breathe out.

So Sad

Robin Williams died yesterday.

My heart is so sad.  I've been crying off and on since last night.

I think maybe I'm still mourning the passing my grandmother last year.  Plus everything has been crazy and there's been a lot of worry the past few months.

It's just been a lot.  I've been focused on getting things done and not really dealing with everything in my life.

And now Robin Williams is gone, and I have finally spilled over.

That is all, my readers.

~Meaghan

Oh Hey There!

Hi there, my dear readers.

I know I have been absent for over two months.  A lot has been going on, and I was also completely enjoying my summer break.  Seriously.  I was at the pool at least three times a week this summer, weather allowing.  (We had a few hail storms in there, and it is monsoon season now, but other than that, I've been making an effort to get off my computer and go outside.)

So rather than rehashing everything that has been my summer, I propose we start new.

School starts in one week.

I'm really excited about it.  I love being on campus, I love learning new things, and I love doing papers and things.  And since I'm now an English Education major, I'm especially excited about this semester.  I did not drop my GPA last semester as much as I had feared; I am still in the 3.0 range.  It's just not where I would like it and I know I am capable of bringing it back up.  Next week is the start of a redemption period for me.

I've started setting little goals for myself each day.  The feeling of satisfaction from achieving them is really helpful for me right now.  My anxiety has peaked for the first time really since spring and I don't really want to go into details, but little goals help keep it in check.

(I'm also going to be seeing a therapist at the end of the month who is trained to give out medication for my anxiety.  After having a panic attack from talking wedding, my fiance, mom, and myself talked about it and decided it was for the best.  I have a lot going on and I need to be the best me I can possibly be.)

I did get two scholarships this semester, which is awesome! One is through my dad's main job and one is through his part time job.  This is the last year I qualified for the scholarships and I feel really blessed that I got them.  Of all the years to get financial help, this one was a biggie.

Wedding plans are going pretty smoothly.  I'm trying not to think too much about it, because school is more pressing right now.  But the church is reserved (I took in the deposit check today!) and I'm going to be visiting my fiance's family over Thanksgiving break.  I'm nervous about that, but everyone is being pretty awesome to me about it.  Fiance's best friend's girlfriend has actually friended me on Tumblr and is being above and beyond awesome.  So that's pretty cool.

And yeah, I think that about sums everything up for now.  I'm planning (now that school is back and I'm on an actual schedule again) to update at least twice a week.  I might do more depending on the week.  During midterms and finals, it might be less.  We will see.

Have a great Monday, dear readers!

~Meaghan

A Letter To My Teenage Self

Dear 18 year old me,

It's nearly 24 year old you, from the future.  Howdy, kid. :)

I'm writing this on your second blog.  I know you swear you'll never give up your old blog in favor of a new one, but let me tell you something: you're going to hit a point where you are so overwhelmed with everything that you decide you need a fresh start.  This blog is part of that.

I know things are really rough for you right now.  It's 2008 and you've finished high school; you've decided to take some time for yourself before going to college.  Taking a year off wasn't your first choice.  I know that there is a lot of external pressure to go to school.  But I also know how overwhelming it feels trying to navigate college waters at the moment.

(We call this anxiety, by the way.  You know the overwhelming need to be sick when you are late or too early to things?  That's also anxiety.  You'll never be officially diagnosed with it, but you will learn to control it.  More on this in a few paragraphs.)

I know you aren't even sure if you want to go to college at this point.  Your world is feeling completely weird, like you haven't slept in days and all your nerves are numb.  That's okay.  You are okay.  Believe me, this year is going to help you so much.

And when it's done, you'll go to school.  And it will be the best thing ever.

You are probably now working at your job at Sylvan as a Student Aid.  I know the job feels weird at the moment and overwhelming (how on earth are you supposed to remember where everything goes or comes from or what you're supposed to pull each hour?!), but  you are going to love it in about a month.  The kids are great, the teachers are pretty great, and the hours are good.

My advice while you're there?

Learn as much as you can.  Learn from the teachers, learn from the kids, learn from the parents.  Learn about yourself as you work with these wonderful people.  The job may not be perfect, no job is, but it is the best job to date that you will have.  Believe me.  Leaving there in two years will be necessary to help you grow and come into your own, but no job will be as sweet as working at Sylvan.

(You're going to find yourself thinking about it at each job that requires you to wake up at 3 am to work with horrible managers.  You're going to think about it and the kids while you're standing for six hours at King Soopers, trying to ignore the rude customers who greedily grab off your sample table.

Those jobs are necessary, though.  Believe me.  With each one, you'll learn a little more about yourself.)

I know right now you are in a slump.  You feel like everything is fuzzy and you can't feel.  I know you still keep a razor hidden in your bathroom drawers, your scissors always within arm reach, your hoodie always near by.  Those things make you feel for a moment, but you will always be found out.  You will always have to deal with the consequences of them.  And the scars, both emotionally and physically, will remain a long time.

You hate how it controls you but you don't feel like you will ever overcome it.  Trust me, you will.  You will still think about it sometimes when things are hard.  And it will never fully leave you.  But you will overcome the urge to harm yourself.  As I write you this, you have gone nearly four years without an incident.  

It will be three years when you start to develop panic attacks.  That is when doctors will finally take you seriously.  You will be diagnosed for depression when it's really anxiety and you'll go off and on various meds.  But eventually you'll be able to learn coping skills and how to kill the panic, kill the sadness and pain.

And on those days you can't, the days you can barely get out of bed or the panic sneaks up on you, your support system will carry you.  It is not weakness like you think it is.  It is strength to allow them to help you.  Your support system now is good, but doesn't really know how to help.  But in a few  years... Oh, believe me, you will have a great support system soon.  Let them help you.

I know you are hung up on that boy you've liked for the past two years.  He's going to ask you to his homecoming this fall.  You are going to be ecstatic.  But it's not going to be the way you expected and everything is going to feel wrong.  You won't know why at first, but after the weekend passes, you'll realize that he wasn't what you thought he was.  It will break your heart, but you are strong.

You will bounce back.  You will be okay.  There will be others you find funny, cute, smart - enjoy your crushes, but don't let them dominate you.  Don't let them drive you to do stupid things.

It will be three years from now, when you have given up on finding anyone, that he finds you.  He won't be what you thought you wanted: he's not tall, nor is he romantic in the traditional sense, and he doesn't write poetry.

 He's funny, though, and smart, and incredibly dorky.  He'll understand your zombie jokes and Star Trek references and he'll love MST3K when you introduce him to it.  He's exactly what you need.  Be open.

Right now, you don't feel attractive.  You feel fat, so so fat.  Let me tell you something.  You are not fat.  You are not ugly.  You are beautiful.  You have had the fat mindset since you were 15, and it's wrong.  It is a lie, a horrible ugly lie that the industries around you have sold you.  I wish you could see how beautiful you are, inside and out.

As time progresses, you won't be able to shake the feeling of fat; it's going to haunt you, constantly.  It sets you up for weight gain over the next six years.  As you struggle with your weight, you'll discover problems with your liver, with your thyroid.  You'll learn of all the medical history on both sides of your family and you are at a large disadvantage for all of it.  Your clothes will becomes womens sizes instead of misses, and you'll attempt any fad diet you can, which causes you to gain more.

Stop it.  Stop the fad diets, stop the worry.  Your body will do what it's going to do.

If I could impart anything on you, it would be to use gentle words with yourself.  Stop telling yourself lies in the mirror, 18 year old me.  You are not fat.  You are not stupid.  You are beautiful and kind and you're about to be pretty successful with stuff.

So wear the red lipstick and play with your hair.  You can so totally pull it off.

Right now you feel lonely, like things are caving in on you.  Soon, you will have more friends.  Trust me on this.  You will have friends you can go out with, gossip with, take day trips with.  Some will stay, some will go.  Some you will have to help out the door because they are bad for you.  Others will enter and take their places.  It ebbs and flows, like a tide, a current in the creek you miss.

  And you're also going to learn that you like having time by yourself.  You will learn that you enjoy your own company, and that is perfectly fine.

(You'll never really get over your fear of the dark though.  Sorry about that.  That viewing of the Exorcist that dad showed us when we were 12 really did fuck us up.  On the bright side, you're going to discover zombie movies pretty soon, and those rock.  As for the dark thing, I recommend holiday lights up year round.)

At this point in your life, you are a devoted Christian.  It feels right to you and it's all you know.  It's comfortable and beautiful and you love it.  And that is good.  But in a few years, things are going to shift and you're going to find yourself drawn to other ideas.  You're going to find that you love the idea of a goddess as opposed to a god, to nature and energy work.

You'll feel conflicted because it's all so different; relax.  You will figure out how things fit together, how it works best for you.  You will find your way.  You will keep your Christian roots and add to it what feels right.  As you grow, you're going to learn that being spiritual is not a path set in rigid stones and it will liberate you.

You are powerful.  Remember that.

(You'll also discover that you have a natural ability to candle magic and rune reading.  Don't be afraid of it.  It is all connected to the higher being you worship and adore.)

You are going to experience some really stressful situations in a few years.  There will be deaths and near deaths and hospitals and trips and a lot of tears.  I mean, you could probably cry the Mississippi at some point.

But it is all going to be worth it.  The joy will outweigh the grief.

(I don't want to spoil too much, but you're going to need to start thinking about that wedding you think you're never going to get.  Cause you're going to get it pretty soon.)

As you grow, you're going to question everything.  And I do mean everything.  You'll question your sexuality, your faith, your goals, your life.  You'll question teachers, bosses, friends, enemies.  This is all part of it.  And it's awesome and it never ends.  You will always be learning about yourself and the world around you.  It rocks.

Be gentle with yourself, 18 year old me.  This time will not last forever.  Eventually you will be happy and things will work.  Trust me.

I love you, and I wish I had told you.

My nearly 24 year old self

P.S.:  When you turn 21, skip the margarita.  You'll like it, but it will make you way tipsy.  You won't like beer too much, but go for a Guinness.  Trust me on this; you will like that one. ;)

Changes

Hey there, dear readers.

(I'm not even going to address the absence.)

Things are pretty okay in my section of the universe.  I've almost completely re-adjusted to fiance being out of town.  (It's been like what, two and a half weeks?)  I finally am over sleeping with the lights on!  This is huge!  And he'll be home in a week and a half, so I'm pretty happy about that.  :)

I went shopping for a swimsuit last week.  It was not the best thing that has ever happened to me.  See, I'm not exactly a small girl.  Rather, I was a big girl to begin with and then I went and gained an extra 40 or 50 pounds the past few years.  And it was kind of brought to my attention when Wal-Mart didn't carry a suit large enough for me.

I ended up at JCPenney's (not the store I worked at a few years ago; I will never, ever go back to that hellhole) and got a cute suit that was also on sale.  While there, I found this dress I liked and decided to try it on for a confidence boost.  It fit wonderfully and I thought I looked pretty good.  My mom was with me and told me it slimmed me down and looked good.  So I had her take a picture of me in it.

Um.

I didn't realize how heavy I was until I looked at that picture.

Now, before anyone gets mad at me for feeling bad about my weight, let me explain some things.  I am nearly 24 years old.  I have a low thyroid, high cholesterol, non-alcoholic fatty liver disease, and a family history of heart attacks, hardened arteries, and diabetes.  Some times, I stop breathing in my sleep and wake myself up.

I am basically a walking time bomb.  I needed a wake up call.

You would think the diagnosis of liver disease would do it.  But it took looking at a picture of myself in a dress that I thought was cute to realize how bad I've let things go.  This isn't to say that I'm a slob or anything - I shower regularly, I dress well, I carry myself well.  I just had a lot of setbacks the past few years that have caused me to gain a crazy amount of weight.

What happened over the weekend was I realized that I am getting married in less than a year and I do not want to look like that in my wedding pictures.

So I'm using a program on my phone that I've used before (and it works, I just chose not to stay with it last time) called My Fitness Pal.  Basically, it tracks my calorie consumption.  I'm on 1340 calories a day; when I exercise, I gain back calories.

In a week, I've lost 6 pounds.  I think those are probably from cutting soda out of my life and flushing my body with water (I never drink enough water) and I expect it to slow down.  But if I could be down 20 pounds by August, when I go dress shopping, that would be amazing.  The goal is to be down a total of 40 to 50 pounds by my wedding in May.  That puts me at a weight that is still high for me, but is healthier than where I am.  It also is where I was when I met my fiance back in 2011.

So that's life for me now.  It really is a lifestyle change.  I plan on staying with it and I am hoping it works.  I'm also praying a lot, and I feel rather confident that whoever is watching me up there is going to help me out too.

On top of all this, my family is in the process of moving from one apartment to another across town.  This is a positive move, as it means I'll be able to walk to catch the train in the mornings for school.  It's also positive for the whole family because there are so many places to walk to around the new complex.  There are two grocery stores, several restaurants, a movie theater, and an ice cream place, to name a few.  So I think we're all pretty excited.

But seriously, moving is hard work.  And it's difficult without my fiance, who is awesome at packing and heavy lifting.  As he keeps reassuring me on the phone, it will be okay.  We will get it done.  And I believe him.

It's still a lot though.

And that is your lovely update. :) I'm off to pack a box before bed.

~Meaghan

Shattered

When I was 16, my dear readers, I had the opportunity to go to Florida with my then best friend.  My family and I had moved to Colorado the year prior while my friend stayed in Missouri, and it was a great chance to spend a week with her and to see the ocean.

We stayed in this really cool hotel that was right on the beach.  It had a kitchen, so my friend and I made a lot of our own food.  (Her parents were off most of the time and let us basically be adults even though we were only 16.)  One of the meals we did had artichoke hearts in it, the kind that came in cool glass jar.  When we were done, I took the jar and rinsed it out.  

I then proceeded to spend the rest of the week filling it with sand and shells I found along the beach.

I'll be honest, the week wasn't perfect.  I was just beginning to show signs of what I now know as general anxiety disorder and I didn't have a grasp of how my blood sugar and lack of sleep worked.  So I was a total roller coaster, especially towards the end.

But the trip was still a lot of fun and I am so thankful I took it.

That little jar of sand and shells has sat consistently on my desk and windowsill, depending, for the past 8 years.  It's moved through three different apartments with me; I have always loved having it, both because of it's simplistic beauty (shells, white sand, a food jar) and for the friendship it represented.  

Even as we drifted, I kept the jar of shells.

And then this happened tonight.

After 8 years, the jar fell from my window as I closed my blinds and broke.

The cuts are all clean along the glass.  It broke in nearly three perfect pieces.

I'm not sad, actually.  For me, this is the universe helping me out.

My friend and I haven't talked in ages.  The last time we spoke, it was when she called a few months ago to tell me she is pregnant.  Before that, it was last summer when she came to visit for a few days.  It was uncomfortable - we have both grown so much, and while that's a good thing, we've grown apart.

I think I had been in denial of this, of the breaking of a friendship that I thought would last forever, until a month or two ago.  I cleaned out my keepsake drawers, organizing what I had, tossing what I could.  I mailed my friend a few pictures I found that I thought she might want.  

I came to terms, basically.

And this happened, and as I bagged up the shells before vacuuming the rest, I knew it was right.  The friendship is broken and gone, and I am okay.

I am okay.

A few years ago, and this would have been detrimental.  But where I am now, I'm okay.  I have a fiance who cares about me and who I care about, I have a few close friends who I talk with and spend time with, and I have my family.

I am okay.

Sometimes, it's okay for things to break.

~Meaghan

Yup, It's Strep Again

So I was right this morning, my dear readers.  Somehow, the antibiotics didn't get rid of my strep throat infection from a week and a half ago.  The doctor didn't even have me come in; that's a sign of how bad it was.

Now I'm back on antibiotics and hopefully I'll be feeling better soon.  The one good thing is that I caught it before it escalated to where it was initially.

This worries me though.

In 2012, I was sick nearly every month of the year.  I had repeat strep, repeat sinus infections, yeast infections, and at one point, an ear infection/strep/fever combo like a few weeks ago.  That was also the year I gave myself mild carpal tunnel from knitting too much (I was trying to get a sweater done for my dad for Christmas) and had to give my hands and arms a month long break.

I really don't want to repeat that year.  I don't want to get into a loop of reinfections and weakened immune system.  Not cool.  Not okay with this.

So I'm on a new toothbrush, and in a few days, I'll swap it out.  I'm planning on washing the sheets and blankets this weekend, as well as throwing all snot items (used tissues, old water bottles) out.

Bleh.

And that is your update about the post this morning.  Healing energy would be great if you have any to spare, or just positive thoughts. All are greatly appreciated.  :)

Until the next post, loves.

~Meaghan

6 AM

Hey there, my dear readers.

Right now, it's 6:14 am.  (Don't you just love how I'm updating at strange hours now?  Although, I guess this isn't really that strange.  When I worked bagel hell and retail, both required me to get up between 3 and 4 in the morning...)

Anyway, it's 6 in the morning and I've been up since 4:30.  Why?

My stupid throat.

So a week and a half ago, I had strep throat really bad.  Like, I missed one of my finals and had to make it up because I was so sick.  And at 4:30 this morning, two things happened.

1. I realized I slept for six glorious hours without waking up, which is huge.

And

2. My throat feels almost exactly how it did a week and a half ago.

Which means that even though I've finished my antibiotic, there's a chance it didn't get it all.  This is kind of scary.  I hate being sick, so that sucks.  And I really hate having to go back to the doctor's office.

But more importantly, I spent the night Sunday with my immune deficient friend Dorothy and stayed with her yesterday morning while she was getting her infusion.  This is not good.  I do not want to have exposed her.  Because her immune system is so compromised, even a cold can be bad.

I sent her a text kind of letting her know.  In about an hour, I'm going to have my mom give me a second opinion and then I'm just going to go from there.

Ugh ugh ugh.

I think this whole not sleeping thing is probably not great.  I am thrilled that I slept for six hours, but I really wish I could have slept longer.  I think it will get better when I get used to Trev being out of town; he's been gone a week and won't be back until the middle of next month.  So really, the sooner I get used to that, the better.

Also, I think cutting booze out again for a while might help.  I had a long island iced tea last night and I think that it might be part of the reason I slept for six hours.  But I also think it's the reason I didn't sleep longer.  Alcohol is funny when it mixes with me.  Most people sleep well when they drink.  It usually has the opposite effect in my case; I have a tendency towards sleeplessness when I drink.

Ah well.

And there you have it, early morning rambles.  I may update later depending on how the next few hours go.

~Meaghan

I Might Be a Bit Strange Today

But that is okay, my dear readers.  I have literally been drinking since 2 pm today.  So nearly five hours of wine and beer.

Why?

Because my little sister turned 21 today.

Ask me how this makes me feel.

Anyway.

It's been a pretty good day.  Lots of wine, lots of beer, lots of food and fun.  If this blog seems disjointed, we can safely say it's because I don't drink too often due to money and liver.  So tolerance is low.

I stayed over at my friend Dorothy's last night so I could help with her infusion today.  She has cable at the home she's at (she's living with another friend at this point, and it's a pretty great situation that's allowing her to heal) and so I got her hooked on that show I discovered via Netflix, Freakshow.

Can I just take a moment to express how awesome it was to get her into it?

We watched all of season 2 that's been shown so far.  We both love Asia, Morgue, and Creature.  It was really fun.  The best part was when Morgue drilled a screw into his nasal cavity.  I love watching that kind of stuff, so I was pretty engrossed.  From beside me on the couch, I heard Dorothy go "Oh Morgue, don't..." and when I looked over, she had her face in her hands.

It was hilarious; Dorothy is one of these people who isn't afraid of blood and needles and whatever else, but this freaked her out a bit.

I am pleased to report that her infusion went well this morning.  The friend she's staying with was out of town with family, so that's why I was asked to come over.  Dorothy has been doing a lot better lately.  The icky shadow of death has finally lifted.  While she's over her meningitis, it's changed her headaches so that they are now full spinal and she's been told that those won't ever go away, which sucks.

But over all, she's doing well and I am glad.

The sleep over was interesting.  I haven't been sleeping well since Trev's been out of town (which has only been a week - three more to go) and I really don't sleep well in unfamiliar places.  So I had the weather channel on and was watching stuff about tornadoes until 4 am.

The fun part about it was that there is a goldfish tank at the end of the couch where I was sleeping.  At 4 am, I discovered that I could lure all the goldfish to my corner of the tank with my foot.  It think it was the fact that I was wearing my atom socks and the neon green was luring them in.  It felt like I was hypnotizing the goldfish.

At that point, I decided I should try to sleep.

My sister, Katie, has had a pretty good day, drinking and hanging out with family.  Her fiance also came with her for the day.  (I'm still trying to come to terms with that, but it's for a different blog.)  Mom grilled and we had angel food cake.  I gave her a pair of socks I made her and some shooters, which she did while I was trying to take a nap.

(The sleep never came.  I am literally at this point running off booze, sugar, and about three and a half hours of sleep.)

Katie brought Rock Band over, so we played that for a bit.  Now she's just hanging out with her fiance and my parents, which is good.  I love my sister a ton.  She's one of my best friends and I feel so thankful to have her in my life.  We're going to be taking her to dinner shortly.

Speaking of which, I have just been informed that I need to get ready to go.

Have a really great night and a great rest of your holiday, my dear readers.  Until the next time.

~Meaghan

A Wild Blog Post Appears

Hey there, my dear readers.

I was going to put in an extra Pokemon joke about using something and it being highly effective, but I am too sleep deprived at the moment to do so.

I finally finished my semester.  I got major sick the week of finals.  I went in to see the doctor that Wed and had strep throat, an ear infection, and a fever of 102 degrees F.  I had to miss my stats final due to it and make it up last Monday.

And even with wanting to set the entire place on fire, even with all the whining and angst and awful professors, I somehow managed to pass everything.  My lowest grade was in Chemistry (big surprise there) and it was a C.

I know.

I was (and am) completely shocked.

But it's over and I'm on summer break now.  And when I go back, it's all English and Lit classes with a math class for educators.

I can't wait to become a teacher.  What better way to change the way things are?  Children are the future; it's time to teach them to think for themselves.  I'm excited to do that, one class of 8th graders at a time.

Trev is out of town.  I always forget how hard it is to adjust to him being gone.  The bed feels weird on his side.  I've actually put a ton of my stuff over there to fill the space.  And it's strange not having him here when I come home and what not.  It's just me and mom most nights, with dad home when he's not working.

To top it off, we've had an insane amount of weather around here.  There have been tornado warnings every day this week; at one point, five touched down by where my little sis goes to school.  She had to take cover.  Dad also had to take cover at one point this week at work.

So with Trev being out of town and the weather being so nuts, my sleep has become weird.  As I type this, it's nearly 1 am.  I'm normally, when Trev is home and everything is calm, asleep by 11 at the very latest.  And get this - I slept til 10 this morning.

(I guess that's technically yesterday morning...)

Everything is off.  Depression is making itself very well known again, which drives me crazy.  I didn't forget you, depression.  Nor did I forget your cousin, anxiety, who I am sure will be making a visit at some point again.

So what am I to do?

I've been watching a ridiculous amount of Netflix, actually.  I discovered this show on there I really like called FreakShow.  It follows this group of people who work at the Venice Beach FreakShow and it's amazing.  One of the guys on there deals with social anxiety, which I can totally relate to.  It's just awesome - everything has meaning and you get to see some seriously sick acts.

(I feel so ridiculous struggling to swallow pills after watching what they swallow...)

I watched the entire first season of the show (which is all Netflix has for now) in two days and have basically rewatched it since.

This is probably not good.

The other thing I did this week was make my own set of runes.

I have a set that I carry around in a knitted bag.  They are my first set that I got at the bookstore to learn about rune throwing and how everything works.  I love reading runes and it's pretty accurate, so I decided to make my own personalized set.

They are pretty cool.  I made them from clay and a paint pen.  I also got a wooden box to carry them in that I decorated.  The colors are, interestingly enough, our future wedding colors: emerald green and gold.

I really do like how they turned out.  And they are really good for my readings.  My goal is to get to a place where I'm spot on with my runes and can maybe turn them into something to do for profit.  We'll see.  I'm also developing an interest in tarot, but we'll have to see if I decide to go into it as well.  It could turn out that runes are enough.

For now, though, I love them and I love doing readings with them.  :)

Alright, my readers.  I am losing my ability to type well.  I think this means I need to try to sleep.

Be good to each other; I'll try to come back soon.

~Meaghan

So I Joined This Thing

Today is an interesting day.  My period from hell is here and so I skipped school to stay at home and rest.

I'm now going to use this resting at home with icky feels as a time to tell you guys about this thing I joined.

It's called Hogwarts is Here and it's found here.  It's neat.  It's this online, free thing based on the Harry Potter book series.

Basically, you can register for and take these online classes that are based on the stuff taught at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.  It's really neat.

I'm in Ravenclaw and I'm only taking two courses due to my muggle education.  (That's the deal; real college comes first, always.)  I'm in Herbology (which I'm pretty sure I just messed up the midterm for) and Defense Against the Dark Arts.

The classes are similar to the ones I'm paying to take at my university in that there are essays and tests.  I'm learning I actually should start taking notes for them.  Which I'll probably do over the summer.

What I really like is that you don't have to take courses to be a student.  You can just hang out if you want.  And when you take courses, it's basically on your own time.  Like, I can pick and choose how many I take.  This means it doesn't mess with real school and it gives me a way to keep my brain sharp during the summer.

Anyway, you guys should check it out.  I'm on there under Birdie Corvus and as I said before, I picked Ravenclaw.  I just started a dorm, so if you want to join a dorm in Ravenclaw, it's 20549. :)

And now, I'm off to lay down with Netflix.

~Meaghan

Oh Hey, It's May

And apparently it's been May for five days (in the U.S.) now.

Huh.

I only have seven more days of classes, and four of those are finals.  Oh.  And I might not have a final on one of those days.

So actually, I only have six more days of school.

Yayayayayayayay!!!!!!!

At my university, they make use do these teacher evaluations.  We had them at community college too, but there they were online and optional.  Here at the grown up school (they serve beer on campus, so this must be a big girl school) they pass them out in class and make us fill them out with pencil.

This is only my second semester here.  My reviews are usually pretty positive.  Like, I'll mention something that bugs me and follow it up with ideas for improvement and something nice to say about the teacher.  That sort of thing.

Not today.

Today I was pissed.

I wasn't even upset when I started my evaluation of the class and teacher.  Honest.  But by the time I finished, my handwriting was a wreck, my hands were shaking, and I was ready to hurt someone.  I was still fuming about it when my dad picked me up at the train station (we only have one car, so it works better that way) and when I got home to mom and fiance.

My chemistry class sucks.

I don't even know how to put a positive spin on this except that it was a learning experience and it made me really evaluate what I'm doing with my life.  Hence, my degree change.

The teacher is a researcher at heart and has so much trouble explaining everything.  The homework is due, but to date we have only gotten one homework assignment graded and handed back to us.  I stopped doing the homework because it doesn't matter apparently.  Oh, and the stuff covered by the homework isn't on the tests, so good luck there.

I studied for my test last Monday for an hour, because that is what I had.  I reviewed everything he told us would be important for this test.  And you know what?  Out of the entire test (which was essay, btw - I normally like essay, but for chemistry??), I think there was one question that was covered by what he told us to study.

I kind of let everyone have it on my review.

I told them it felt like a weed out class (where the curriculum is designed to make the students fail) even though it's a general requirement for all the science degrees at my university.  And then I basically told them to fuck themselves by saying it worked and that I had changed my degree because of it.

Ugh.

Writing this has me worked up again.  Damn.

Well, happy thought time.  Summer, pool, swimming every day, birthday, etc.

Alright, parents have shown up with food.  Time to eat dinner and get ready for another exciting day of things.

Goodnight, dear readers.  Goodnight.

~Meaghan

I Have Finals Brain

And finals aren't for another two weeks.

Good lord, I am so done.

I can't even remember the last time I updated this.  Was it this month?  I'm pretty sure I updated earlier this month.  Right?

So, let's assume I didn't.  Here is a bullet point of my life at the moment:

~I no longer want to punch Owen Wilson in the face (I saw Zoolander with fiance and it was hilarious.  Refer to this post if you don't know what I'm talking about.)

~I've been officially accepted into the education program at school, which means I'll be able to start taking education classes as soon as I finish my English core requirements (hurrah for teaching English to middle and high schoolers!)

~I feel infinitely better about college than I have in ages it seems

~Three year anniversary with fiance is approaching.  We've made a deal not to get presents for each other but rather to take ourselves to a nice lunch courtesy of our change jar and then go to the park and feed the ducks.

~Three weeks left of school and I don't even care anymore.

~I had a dream that Tom Hiddleston, the British actor who is Loki in the Avengers and is also in this other show I've discovered (Wallander, if anyone is curious - it's a great Swedish cop show), was at Subway with me.  He was completely polite and kept asking me what was good on the menu.  Dream me was like "Dude, I don't know, I order the same stuff almost every time" and didn't think it odd that he had never been to Subway.

~I've started roller skating lessons.  They are hard and great workouts.  I'm like the oldest one in my group but I don't care.  (I did at first, but now I'm enjoying myself too much to.)  I don't know if I want to eventually do derby or if I'm happy just skating.  We'll see as time plays out.

~I'm really excited to not work this summer.  I think this is the first summer I'll have had off since 2008.  I'm going nuts thinking of all the stuff I'm going to accomplish.

~Which also includes wedding planning.  That kicks up soon.  I'm back to looking at bridal magazines, which is a positive step.  (When I was super stressed out for that period of time earlier this semester, I couldn't even think about getting married.  I didn't even want to do cuddle or spend time with fiance.  He was so awesome about the whole thing - yet another reason why I'm marrying that boy.)

And I know there is more but I slept crappy last night and I'm tired and brain fried from studying for a chemistry test tomorrow and yeah.

All I want is to cuddle up with Netflix (which I finally caved and got a few weeks ago) and watch some comedies or something.

I haven't forgotten you, dear readers.  When I get my head out from the sand, I will return.

Be good to yourselves.

~Meaghan

(And I totally typed that with a British accent in my head, due to watching too much BBC.  Awesome.)

It Isn't College Until You Change Your Major

Hey there, my dear readers.

I mentioned on Facebook the other day that I was changing my major.  "It's not college until you change your major", I wrote with sincerity.  When a friend of mine mentioned that her daughter, a freshman in college, really needed to hear that, I realized that this is something a lot of young people (myself included) struggle with.

I feel like there are a lot of misconceptions about college.  Like how you're supposed to know what you want to be when you grow up at the time you send in the applications.  Like how you have to go immediately after high school, and how you have to go straight through.  How you have to have a degree to get a good job.  Things like that.  Just preconceived notions that no one really says out loud but that are somehow assumed.

At least, they have been in my case.  Maybe your college career is textbook: graduate high school, know what you want, go to college, graduate in four years, and get the job you've worked for.  I know people that this has happened almost perfectly for.  And there is nothing wrong with that. :)

But for most of us, the path is a lot more confusing.

So this post is for you, my graduating high school seniors and my young folks in upper level education.  Listen close, and take to heart.

College is messy.

Allow me to tell you my story.  It's kind of long, so bear with me.

I am nearly 24 years old and in my fourth year of college.  My path has been pretty sloppy, if I may say so myself.  And I don't say that in a bad way, by the way.  I wouldn't change it.  It just doesn't fit the norm.  (But really, what is normal, anyway?)

In high school, I was homeschooled.  I graduated when I was 18 like most people.  Honestly, I didn't know what I wanted to do.  Did I want to go to college?  Did I want to work?  Did I want to take road trips?  The questions were endless.

So when my friends were filling out their college apps, I decided to take some time for myself.  I didn't apply to any schools.  Instead, I got a job.  I worked at a Sylvan Learning Center as a student aid.  It was probably the best job I've ever had.  I was exposed to education, I was able to read and relax, I got to work with adults who respected me, I got to play with kids, and I made money.  This gave me a taste of being self sufficient and gave me a chance to figure out what I wanted to do.

Now, people mean well.  But this - working and not going directly from high school to college - is not a conventional path.  At the onset of making my choice, I got a lot of flack from people who didn't know me or my situation.  They criticized my parents for "allowing" me to take time off in my education and they criticized me.  "If you don't go now, you'll never go," they warned.  I stuck to it, though, and I'm really thankful I did.

When I was 19, I enrolled in community college.  The gap year I took helped me realize that I wanted to go to school.  Because I was 100% sure I wanted to go and because I had the means to pay for it myself, I worked harder for my grades and got more out of my experience than I think I would have if I had gone directly from high school to college.  I owned my education.  It was (and is) mine.

(This has lasted with me up until today.  Even though I currently do not work, I still own my education.  No one can take it from me, and that is empowering.  Remember that: what you learn and do is yours.  No one can ever take it away from you.)

I originally was a Biology major.  I wanted to teach high school bio and so an Associates of Science was what I started with.  But by the middle of my second semester, I was miserable.  I didn't enjoy my college biology class, and the math I was taking didn't make sense.  In fact, the classes that I did like were the ones I had taken the previous semester: English and Intro to Literature.

So I changed in the middle of the spring semester to an Associates of Arts.

At this time, I wanted a change.  I had been working at Sylvan for two years, and decided to try something new.  That summer, I left Sylvan and went to work for the Einstein's Bagels across the street for what sounded like a promising opportunity.  It was horrible.  The hours made me cry, the work was alright but stressful, and the people weren't the supportive type that I had become used to while at Sylvan.

A few weeks into my fall semester, I couldn't take it any more.  My family had a meeting, and my parents assured me they would not think less of me if I quit and focused on school.  So I did. I decided to not work for a while.  I took out loans, but it worked in my advantage.  I was able to take a full semester of classes that seemed interesting to me.  One of them was Introduction to Creative Writing, and something clicked.  This was a class I loved and something I wanted to do.

So I changed (I guess they call it "modifying", but in my mind it's changing) from Arts to Creative Writing.

In the two years that it took me to finish my Associates in Creative Writing (for a three year total at the community level), things began to happen in my life.  I met a boyfriend (who is now my fiance), I started working a weekend job passing out samples at the grocery store (which I kept up until this current semester), I joined the honor society at school and took on a leadership position, and I wrote constantly.

Until the semester before I graduated, I was pretty happy with things.

At some point towards the end of my degree, I started getting asked what I was going to do when I graduated.  More specifically, I was getting all sorts of advice about becoming an English teacher and going on to get my Bachelor's.

But at this point, I wasn't sure what I wanted.  School was good, but I was beginning to feel burned out.  And there were a lot of stresses in my life that I couldn't control that were wearing me out.

So when I graduated in 2012, I chose to work retail for a while.  "Maybe," I thought, "I'll just work retail for a few years and then get married and that'll be that."  This was much to the disappointment of many of my teachers and some of my friends, who insisted I was going to get bored.

Looking back, I can see where they are coming from.  But honestly, I know how I am.  I needed that time off to help me find my footing again.

I worked the summer of 2012 at J. C. Penny's while still maintaining my weekend job at the grocery store.  It was a living nightmare.  I was irritable and sad and my anxiety attacks (something I developed during my time at community college) were coming more and more frequently.  I quit JCP four months after working there and tried something new.  I taught violin lessons and opened my own Etsy store.  I went for walks.  I wrote.

And then I decided to go back to college.

  I had the papers filled out, got accepted, and was in the process of registering for classes when the chaos of last spring hit.  I think I've blogged enough about that; all I'm going to say here is that going back to school helped me keep my sanity.

When I went back to college (this time a four year university while still living at home), I was originally enrolled as an Environmental Science major.  My associates transferred in, but I still had a lot to do.  Last semester wasn't too bad.  I took Bio II with a lab, Intro to Environmental Science, and a few other classes.  They were all very interesting.

But as I've struggled through this current semester, I've done some soul searching.  My teachers and friends were right - teaching is in my blood.  Within the past three days, I've changed my major yet again to one I'm planning on staying with.  I am now an English major with a concentration and minor in Secondary Education.

And if that isn't a total change, I don't know what is.

Total degrees I've changed or registered for: 5

Total job changes since high school: 4

I know this post is long, but hang with me just a little longer.

It doesn't matter what anyone says.  Only you know yourself.  This is your path, not anyone else's.  And no matter how you do it, you own it.

Work.  Don't work.

Take a gap year.  Or go directly to.

Change your major several times until you find one that fits you.

If college doesn't work for you, don't feel bad at dropping or taking time away from it.  No education is wasted.

Graduate with something that makes you happy; the jobs will follow.  And know that if you decide not to use your degree, that's fine.

This life, this journey, is yours.  I think that's something that often gets left out or over looked.  Own it. Don't let others dictate your experiences.  Don't let others tell you you're wrong.  And always do what makes you feel good, what interests you.

This is your time to come into your own.  You aren't alone.

~Meaghan

Things Are Looking Up

Hey there, readers!  Long time, yeah?

This is a list post.  Things are looking up, but a lot has happened, so a list seems best.

(Also because I have a stats test I really need to study for and lists are faster than paragraphs.)

~Dorothy got to leave the hospital yesterday (Yay! Thank you for all your good vibes!)

~I changed my major

~I am now English with Secondary Education, which means I will be able to graduate sooner and teach middle through high school

~I am a lot happier now than I was

~I've been learning to read runes, which is awesome and accurate

~I've been exploring my faith

~I'm happy again with my relationships

~We made it through my grandma's anniversary without any major trouble

~Life is generally good

And once I pass my test tomorrow, I will give you a nice update from school.

Until the morrow,

~Meaghan

Waiting, Waiting, Waiting

Hey readers.

Remember me telling you about my friend Dorothy?  How she has to get blood transfusions and felt like there was a shadow over her?  Like she might die?

Well, she's in the hospital right now.

She has meningitis.  We won't know til later today if it's viral or bacterial, but I do know that it is very serious.

She has no immune system.  She is not allowed to have visitors because it's so contagious.  And her parents are coming up from Texas.

That last statement is enough to concern me.

The friend she's staying with is keeping me in the loop, as is Dorothy's husband.  (When he called yesterday, he didn't sound good.  I asked if he needed anything and the first thing he said was "more time".)

It is not lost on me that she entered the hospital the same weekend my grandmother did last year.  Grandma entered on a Friday and died on Easter Monday.  The anniversary is Tuesday, the 1st.

I am sad and afraid.

I do not want this to go bad.

I want her to heal and get better.

Dorothy is one of my best friends.  She introduced me to my fiance, she has always had my back, she's always been a sounding board, she's always helped my family.  Need a ride to the hospital?  Got it.  Need a shoulder to cry on?  Got it.  And so on.

Fucking spring.  I thought I could survive you.  Why this?

So good energy, prayers, and whatever healing vibes you can spare would be appreciated it.  For all of us.

Thank you, readers.

~Meaghan

Expanding My Horizons

So today, my mom and I got this crazy hair to buy Viking runes.

Some quick background:

I was raised Christian and still live in a pretty Christian household, all things considered.  A few years ago, I got curious about other things and tapped into my friend Dorothy, who is a self proclaimed "alter crossing Wiccan" who practices "Dorothy-ism".  She gave me a set of Goddess cards that I carry with me everywhere and adore and is kind of my go to guide for all things Pagan and Wiccan.

My curiosity and wonder just keeps growing.

(Maybe this seems strange to you.  If this sort of thing bugs you, this is your chance to leave.)

And I'm still learning, daily.  Like, I've only just now realized that there are many Gods and Goddesses up in the pantheon and that the myths are all based in belief.

I'm a slow learner sometimes.

Anyway, back to the story.

So I've been building a basic alter in my room, putting in candles and things that I think fit right.  I'm not sure who it's for, but it's a start.  I am also in the process of learning about my herbs and how to make remedies, which are all part of it.  Started a dream journal this week because I dreamed a red-headed Norse god told me to, and every dream this week has had some form of Gods or Goddesses in them.

I've also developed a deep curiosity for runes and decided I wanted a set.

I brought it up at breakfast while mom and I were out; she's pretty cool about being open minded, all things considered.

"Oh yeah," she said.  "I used to read those.  They told me I was having you and your sister.  I don't know what happened to mine, though.  Maybe I should get a new set, too."

And thus, we packed up and went to the local bookstore (not where you normally would think to go for this but it seemed like a good idea) to see what they had.  I said a little prayer to myself before we went, just telling whoever is watching over me that if this was supposed to happen, let it happen.

It was supposed to happen.

We walked in and greeting us in the outer lobby of the store were shelves of Viking mythology, Celtic mythology, and various other things on Gods and Goddesses and fate.

Oh, and there were rune kits, with books and stones included.

And did I mention that I had almost exactly enough to purchase my copy?  I think I have like fifty cents left over.

(Mom also bought a set.  Mind blown, in a good way.)

There's a lot of energy in them.  Just carrying the box around with me made my palms tingle and get hot.

So, they are in the bag now, sitting on my bed, waiting for me to figure out what to do with them.

(I don't really like the bag they came with, so I'm going to either make a new bag or buy a new bag. We'll see which.)

I'm excited.

On top of that, my mom and I had a really nice time out.  I'm on spring break still, so it's been nice procrastinating on stuff and spending time with my mom.  She has cataracts and can't see well enough to drive, so I've been taking her out and stuff this week.

I would say today was a very good day. :)

~Meaghan

No Snow!

It's Tuesday, it's spring break, and there is no snow.  I think I'm a pretty happy girl, to be honest.

I really haven't been doing a whole lot recently, so it's a little hard to blog because there is so little to report.

My friend had her transfusions yesterday and is doing well.  The feeling of death we both had been feeling a few weeks ago has passed; she believes (and I agree) that it was actually fortelling the breaking of her current marriage.  Which is sad, but I know she'll be okay.

A friend and I went out last night for dinner.  I had my first drink since July (suck it, liver disease) and it was great.  The conversation and catch up was nice, since we both are crazy busy, and the food was pretty good too.

All in all, I think this break is going well.

I'm pretty happy is relax time.

Enjoy your Tuesday, my dear readers. :)

~Meaghan

St. Brigid Update

Hey again, readers!

(How about this, you get a second blog post in the same day! It's like I didn't miss yesterday at all!)

(That was a lot of exclamations.  My bad.)

So here it is, the St. Brigid update that I've been promising for ages.  Really, it was because I've been having trouble getting good pictures of it.  And I still feel like these pictures are kind of bad, because they were taken with my phone camera.

(Every time I use flash, it makes the stitches blanch out in a sea of green, so I have been taking them in the dark.  And they're kind of fuzzy.  Bear with me, please.)

A little pale, but those cables are so beautiful.  So worth the effort.

She's coming along pretty well over all.  I'm halfway through the second repeat of the pattern.  I need to repeat it ten times total for the back, so this is slow but sure progress.

This picture shows the true color better.

Cables drive me nuts but are so beautiful that it's worth it.

It's definitely not a sweater I can work on when watching TV.  Like, all my concentration goes into it.  But I love how it's turning out.  I took it up a needle size because I am a pretty big gal.  So far, I'm still on my first ball of yarn, but that will probably change soon.

The yarn is Cascade 22 in Hunter Green, a color I have been drawn to for ages.  

Interesting story about the yarn, actually.

So, a few years ago, I went to a yarn store with my friend Kristine for the first time.  I didn't have any projects in mind, but I wanted some of this Cascade stuff because it was so nice feeling and looking.  So I bought three skeins of it - one pink, one purple, and one green.

Fast forward to when I was ordering the yarn for St. Brigid back in January.  I found this green online and absolutely loved it.  So I bought it.

When it came in, I took it back to my yarn stash, thinking it looked familiar.  So on a whim, I compared it to the green I had bought back at the yarn store in 2010 or so.  

It's the exact same color.

If that isn't destiny telling me that I am supposed to knit this sweater in this green, then I don't know what is.

(And yeah, I hold on to stash yarn for long periods of time.  Doesn't everybody?)

Alright, so there's the Brigid update.

Off to do more rows.

Busy, Busy, Busy

Hey readers!

I really am trying to update daily again.  Honestly, I am. Yesterday got crazy busy, though, so you may have noticed that there was no post for it.

Fiance and I were helping a friend of ours move, the same friend who is getting her first round of blood transfusions done today.  We made so many trips yesterday and it took most of the day.  Very exhausting.  And emotionally exhausting too, because that's what happens when you spend upwards of six hours with someone.

I am very happy to report that she is settled in her new place.  It's the basement of a friend's house, but it's a good basement and a good friend and really, a good place to start new.  She is in much better spirits about the treatment and we are all hopeful that she won't die, but rather heal.

Today I am having lunch with my sister when she gets her school lunch break.  I miss her so much, it's not even funny.  I thought I would feel better about her moving out than I do.  The thing about sisters is that they kind of are like best friends - you can tell them anything, go on adventures, gossip, etc.

We weren't really close as kids.  There's a three year age gap, which isn't a problem now, but I think up until we were like 14 and 11, it was present.  I'm the oldest and I was always trying to do my own thing and yeah.  But moving changed everything and over the past probably ten years we've become really close.

So I'm pretty excited to go have lunch with her today. :)

Then tonight, one of my friends and I are going out for Mexican food.  It'll be nice to have some time to catch up and not worry about things and have a nice drink for the first time since July (thanks, liver!) because I can.  Sangritas and enchiladas, here I come.  And catching up is going to rock too, since both of us have been crazy busy since Christmas.

I've been learning some cool stuff recently too, about mythology and the pantheon of Gods and Goddesses and whatnot, but I'm not quite ready to share that yet.  Be prepared, though, because that might be a blog in the near future.

And now, I'm going to knit a bit and have a V8, because I am totally addicted to those right now.

Happy Monday, readers!

~Meaghan