Oh Hey, It's May

And apparently it's been May for five days (in the U.S.) now.

Huh.

I only have seven more days of classes, and four of those are finals.  Oh.  And I might not have a final on one of those days.

So actually, I only have six more days of school.

Yayayayayayayay!!!!!!!

At my university, they make use do these teacher evaluations.  We had them at community college too, but there they were online and optional.  Here at the grown up school (they serve beer on campus, so this must be a big girl school) they pass them out in class and make us fill them out with pencil.

This is only my second semester here.  My reviews are usually pretty positive.  Like, I'll mention something that bugs me and follow it up with ideas for improvement and something nice to say about the teacher.  That sort of thing.

Not today.

Today I was pissed.

I wasn't even upset when I started my evaluation of the class and teacher.  Honest.  But by the time I finished, my handwriting was a wreck, my hands were shaking, and I was ready to hurt someone.  I was still fuming about it when my dad picked me up at the train station (we only have one car, so it works better that way) and when I got home to mom and fiance.

My chemistry class sucks.

I don't even know how to put a positive spin on this except that it was a learning experience and it made me really evaluate what I'm doing with my life.  Hence, my degree change.

The teacher is a researcher at heart and has so much trouble explaining everything.  The homework is due, but to date we have only gotten one homework assignment graded and handed back to us.  I stopped doing the homework because it doesn't matter apparently.  Oh, and the stuff covered by the homework isn't on the tests, so good luck there.

I studied for my test last Monday for an hour, because that is what I had.  I reviewed everything he told us would be important for this test.  And you know what?  Out of the entire test (which was essay, btw - I normally like essay, but for chemistry??), I think there was one question that was covered by what he told us to study.

I kind of let everyone have it on my review.

I told them it felt like a weed out class (where the curriculum is designed to make the students fail) even though it's a general requirement for all the science degrees at my university.  And then I basically told them to fuck themselves by saying it worked and that I had changed my degree because of it.

Ugh.

Writing this has me worked up again.  Damn.

Well, happy thought time.  Summer, pool, swimming every day, birthday, etc.

Alright, parents have shown up with food.  Time to eat dinner and get ready for another exciting day of things.

Goodnight, dear readers.  Goodnight.

~Meaghan

Dreaming of May

I might have been a little harsh yesterday when I said that I hate spring.

It's not all of spring.  It's most of spring.

Spring in Colorado is weird, firstly.  It snows up until Mother's Day, and sometimes beyond.  You have these days that are cold and grey and slushy and snowy, but then the next day is sunny and warm and breezy (but not like today where the winds were like hurricane force and blowing grit into EVERYTHING and I do mean everything) and the flowers are blooming.

Only for it snow again.  And then you wind up with daffodils sticking up hopefully in like four inches of snow.

Seriously, how do things not die out here?  I've been here since 2005, at age 15, and I still don't understand how the spring stuff doesn't die.

But May is actually a really hopeful time for me.  I've been pretty wrapped up in sad recently (and yes, I do suffer from that SAD too - the seasonal crap that makes everything hurt, though this sad has been different, and I just realized I'm totally rambling my sentences) that I kind of slammed everything together.

It happens.

May is when the snow finally finishes up.  Usually.  May is when my anniversary with the most wonderful man on the planet is, and May will soon be when our wedding will take place.  (Next year, and it somehow simultaneously wonders, amazes, delights, and terrifies me.)  

May is my sister's birthday and a good reminder that she didn't die last year but got help for her suicide attempt.  I am very pleased to report that while she has left our home to live with her fiance, she is doing incredibly well.  She just started school to become a massage specialist to help people heal.

May is when school gets out and when I can then decompress for three glorious months of pool time and sleeping in and not writing papers about statistics or science experiments that didn't work the way they should.  And trust me, I need that.  I am so beat down right now, it's not even funny.  I consider not leaving in the middle of my chemistry class today to be a success.

So maybe I was a little harsh on spring. 

I came to the conclusion today during some free time that spring is really not what any of us think it should be.  The stores will have you believing that spring is this beautiful, soft time of pastels and chicks and rabbits and happiness.

It's not.

Spring is the labor that pushes the year into bloom.  It is hard work growing things.  It is hard work surviving.  There are storms everywhere and slush and grey but also little green sprouts and the hope of flowers.

I think I am finally learning that if I can get through the pain, the hard work, and survive the storms, I will be okay.

So I'm going to be here, having sad days mixed with my good days, dreaming of May.

~Meaghan