The Post Electric

So hi again, my dear sweet readers.

I had a total meltdown yesterday over basically nothing and I've been sad over the past few days, but today seems to be looking up.

For one, I actually feel like I understand what we're covering in my statistics class.  This is good.  I got a C on the first test; I think I can redeem myself on this next test.  I asked my professor what the best way to study for the test is and he confirmed what I was leaning towards: work the problems.  Work them over and over and over again until I can basically do them in my sleep.

So hopefully this will work and I'll pass this class higher than a C.

Still lost in maps use.  I have so much trouble measuring a straight line.  This is probably not good.  Granted, it makes my numbers off in the class, but what if this was real life?  I would be so lost in the middle of nowhere.

Who am I kidding?  I'm always lost in the middle of nowhere, even if that nowhere is my mind.

Wow, that was cryptic.  My bad.

My mom, after witnessing my meltdown, said I needed to do something about it.  As she told me yesterday, I should start writing down things about myself, journal about myself and who I am - what I like about myself, what I don't like about myself, etc.

 It seems so juvenile, doesn't it?  I'm nearly 24, and my mom still has to give me advice on exploring who I am because I don't spend enough time on myself, apparently.  And she said that if I don't somehow pull myself out of this, then I'm going to have to call my therapist again.

(Yes, loves.  I have a therapist.  I saw her over the summer when the shit got real, and I have her number in my phone.  There is nothing wrong with admitting that you can't do something yourself and that you need help.  It's a very good thing to get help, to acknowledge that you are struggling, and to let someone hear you and bounce ideas to you.)

So, that makes me wonder.  Isn't that the point of this blog?  Maybe I'm using it wrong.  I have always thought of blogging as a place to dump my thoughts out of my head and into a void where someone may or may not read them and may or may not benefit from them.

(Also, you are always welcome and free to comment.  Feedback is always good.  I notice I get a fair number of hits but few comments.  Please, feel free to engage me. :) )

I keep a paper bound journal for the heavy stuff that I don't feel I can share on here.  And because writing on paper clears my soul almost more than a computer can.  However, I can type a lot faster than I can write in cursive on a page.  Hmm.

So yes, let's use this as a dumping place.  As an exploring place.  And you, my lovely readers, are going to possibly get sick of me.  But this is the best I've got and frankly, I've been pretty on the edge lately.

Where should we start?

As I said earlier, I did have a better day today.  I got caught in a bit of a snowstorm at school while walking from one building to another.  Community college spoiled me.  All the classes were in one building.  My current campus is huge and so much walking.  Which is great.

Trev brought me a hat at my request when he showed up on campus, and he had lunch with myself and a really good friend of mine.  I'm always happy when my fiance gets along with my friends. :)

I think the only part of today that wasn't super great (besides the snow) was the fact that I dropped my water bottle just right and it shattered.  I have a really nice bottle that I carry.  It's one of these, in the purple color shown in the picture.  I love purple and I hate unfiltered water, and frankly, it's the only way I'll drink water when at school.  I get so much use out of it.

And I dropped it.  And it hit just right.  And the entire top shattered.

Add this to yesterday when my backpack zipper broke, and I'm beginning to think the universe is possibly against me.  Or telling me to slow down and relax.

(Trev is always trying to tell me that everything is not a sign, that sometimes a broken thing is just a broken thing.  But seriously.  I went to school and got a creative writing degree.  For three years of my life, they pounded into my head that everything has a deeper meaning and sign.  That doesn't get broken overnight.  And yes, it did take me a long time to be able to read a book and just enjoy it.)

Anyway.

All day today I've been talking in my head in a British accent.  Not sure why, except that I've been reading an absurd amount of Loki/Darcy fanfiction and when I do, all I can hear is Tom Hiddleston's voice in my ear.

Next post is going to be entirely about fanfiction.  Because I honestly think it gets slammed way more than it should.

Alright, this post is long enough.

And I feel like it was pretty disjointed.  My bad.

I'll write another post shortly.

~Meaghan

In Which Pain Makes Me More Random Than Usual

Hi there, my dear readers. 

As I am typing this to you, I am suffering a serious migraine.  Why am I not in bed?  I can hear you asking.

Well....technically, I am in bed, but that's besides the point.

I have way too much on my mind for sleep at the moment.  The pain is better than it was earlier this evening, so I can actually see straight, and I decided to take advantage of that fact.

Why do I have a migraine? 

First off, my birthday was Monday and I decided to live it up.  Saturday night out drinking with a friend (both alcohol and coconut in large quantities are triggers for me, which I didn't think about at the time - oh Malibu Rum, how I love and hate you...), Monday I spent most of the day with Boyfriend (IHOP, yarn and book shopping, a trip to school for his therapy appointment - more on that later), and dinner Monday night with the family at Red Lobster (we don't get to go very often, so I had lobster and crab and shrimp, all of which are triggers in large quantities).

(It was a great birthday, and I have no regrets. The people in my life are absolutely amazing and I am incredibly cared for, which makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.  Best birthday in a long time. :D)

Factor in stress for a moment here.  Boyfriend has been suffering from untreated depression for a while now, and I may or may not have done some drastic things on last Thursday to try to get him to show something - anything.  And we may or may not have had to work through things over the weekend to get him help and to help us be on good terms.  (Which we are.  And before you say anything, I did make an appointment with my therapist to discuss everything.  She is amazing.)

(And yeah, I know you can't help people until they realize they need help.  I was that way.  My sister was that way when she landed in the hospital.  As a former cutter and someone who deals with anxiety and depression, I get it.  It does not make it any less hard or less stressful.)

Now let's factor in my chocolate addition.  And the fact that there's salt on everything.  And that Boyfriend has been out of town since Tuesday and won't be back until the Wed before school starts for us.  I miss him like crazy and it's only been two days...

Plus Colorado weather changes.  Let's never forget Monsoon Season, lol.

So yeah.  Migraine party.  Still, I have no regrets.  I do think I'll try to keep a better eye on my triggers though.  Cause really, this sucks.

In other news, I haven't trained all week for my 5K.  I'm only a little nervous, you know? 

And by a little, I mean a lot.

Last time I got on the treadmill (which was last Wed), I could almost do a 17 minute mile. I know that's not the greatest, but for me that is huge.  Goal: 15 minute mile or less by August 17th, the day of the race.  I feel like I should be able to do it.

Also, I am so ready to go back to school.  I feel like science and teaching is really where I'm supposed to be.  The writing was a nice detour - I met some interesting people, learned some cool stuff, met my boyfriend via zombies during it - but not what I want to do forever.  I know teaching high school science will be hard, but I feel so strongly towards it.  It was originally what I went to community college for anyway, an Associates of Science to get my foot in the door.

(Forgive me if I've already talked about adding on the teaching certificate, I am pretty doped up on pain meds at the moment.  Like, earlier today, I tried unlocking the apartment door with the post office key.  Mom and sis just kind of laughed...)

Honestly, if I can make a difference in one kid's life, I will be happy.  And if teaching doesn't pan out, I still have my writing and my Environmental Science main degree to fall back on.

BTW, does anyone else think it's funny that this was supposed to be a yarn blog and it's become an everything-except-the-kitchen-sink thing instead?

Yeah.  That's my cue to try sleep again.

Hang tight, dear readers.  I'm sure there will be more excitement coming soon.

~Meaghan

Hi There

I realize I have skipped all of May, part of April, and part of June.  It's just, things got so messy and I became so focused on trying to piece it back together that I forgot about you, my dear blog.

So let's start fresh.

I have started a yarn group.  We're meeting tonight for the first time, and I am very hopeful.  It's something I've wanted for a while but never had the courage to start until now.

(This is the power of a good therapist, good anti-depressants, and good chocolate. :) )

I have been knitting again, although it hasn't been with the fever pitch it had been before.  It's not that I don't love my knitting any less.  It's just that I've become more moderate about it.  I'm finding a balance in all things.  Letter writing, card making, knitting, counted cross stitch, exercise, reading - I'm trying to find time for it all.

 And over all, I feel better.

Better than I have in a very, very long time actually.

It's amazing how when you're depressed, you don't realize that you aren't living.  You just know you have to get up each morning and do whatever has to be done.  You are in this haze and everything hurts and everything is numb at the same time.

And it took my sister landing in the hospital back in the later part of April for her own depression that forced me to look at mine.

I won't lie to you, readers.  I still get anxious with social interactions and with the occasional trigger.  I still cry.

But I'm not curled up in a ball, wondering what's wrong with me as I cry uncontrollably.  I'm not getting up each morning to do nothing.

So many positive changes are happening.  The yarn group is just the beginning.

I've signed up to do a 5K in August with my sister.  It's this one and it looks incredible.  I've never been super athletic, let alone run before.  So this is huge.  I've been training for two weeks now.  I can now do half a mile in under ten minutes.  That doesn't sound like a lot, but for me it is.  My goal is to be at a ten minute mile by the end of the month.

I've been reading again for the first time in so long.  The Game of Thrones book series is amazing.  I'm not a huge fantasy person, but I just can't get enough of it.  I'm in the midst of "A Clash of Kings" at the moment.  I'm also reading some really good zombie fiction. :)

Today my sister and I are going out.  We're going to get some pho and I'm getting a pedicure and acrylic nails, something I've wanted for a very long time.  It feels selfish to me, but I've been assured that it's not. It's important to take care of me.  And that's something that's just going to take time for me to learn.

Rest assured, boyfriend and parents are also doing well.  Things seem to be running pretty smoothly with only minor bumps along the way.  And for that, I am grateful.

I won't leave again for so long, my readers.  Thank you for hanging with me. :)

~Meaghan