Chocolate and Alpaca Lace

I am stressed, my readers.

Boyfriend has been gone for two weeks and won't be back for another two weeks.  Plus, he hasn't answered his phone in like two days.  So I'm a little worried.  I know he's safe with family and I know this isn't like Boulder, but still.

I'm his girlfriend.

I'm also Cancer the Crab.

I get worried.

August is looking to be stressful and even though it hasn't started, I'm ready for it to be done. 

School starts the 19th, but financial aid won't go through until the 8th.  And since this school is different than my last college experience, I have to wait until the aid is done being processed to get my books.  So I'm looking at getting my books, I.D., and RTD pass the week before school starts.

Usually, I've already bought them by now.

The 5K is coming up.  I'm nervous.  I've never done anything like this before.  Today, I did an hour on the treadmill in preparation.  I don't anticipate going super fast, but I am, based on today, expecting to be done in about an hour.

My mom's brother (who is a little out there and has recently stressed us out) is coming to visit with my cousin.  My cousin and I got along beautifully the last time she was here.  My uncle... I've only met him once.  He and my mom only recently reconnected.

So we're all pretty stressed about that.

I was up until 3am today, trying to get the knot of panic out of my chest that had formed.

So.

Stressed.

Out.

Dad says my grandma had this saying about worry: "Worry is like a rocking chair.  It only takes you back and forth, never really going anywhere."

So true. 

My anxiety combating skills are coming into play at this point.

I'm going to school with my sister tomorrow to find my classes and buildings.

One day at a time.

Today, after I finish this post, I intend to knit and relax.

This involves really good dark chocolate with raspberries in it and baby alpaca, knit into lace.

The yarn is awesome.  When boyfriend was at Boulder, before his depression worsened and all the bad stuff happened, I went to visit him for a weekend.  It was lovely.  We slept in, ate pasta and ice cream at the Pearl Street mall, watched movies all night, and just generally relaxed.

While we were there, we went to a yarn store.  I found this beautiful Alpaca Lace by Cascade Yarn in blues and greens.  I had always wanted to try alpaca yarn, but usually couldn't afford it.  This to me was the holy grail of yarn. 

Boyfriend bought it for me.

I was in love.

And then everything happened.  Like, a near break up due to boyfriend's depression and contemplation of suicide.  Boyfriend breaking ties with his dad.  Boyfriend moving in.

Suddenly, the yarn was unknittable.  I couldn't look at it without feeling the desperation and strain from those few months.  I buried it in the yarn stash.

It's been a year and a half since then.  Boyfriend and I still have ups and downs, but over all, I think things are better.  He's finally going to counseling, and things are going to be alright.

So I can knit with the alpaca.

It's heaven.  Total bliss.

And knitting a lace pattern really helps my anxiety, I'm discovering.

When then next two weeks are over, I predict I will have a new scarf.

Anyway.

Chocolate and alpaca lace.

What more do I need?

~Meaghan 

In Which Pain Makes Me More Random Than Usual

Hi there, my dear readers. 

As I am typing this to you, I am suffering a serious migraine.  Why am I not in bed?  I can hear you asking.

Well....technically, I am in bed, but that's besides the point.

I have way too much on my mind for sleep at the moment.  The pain is better than it was earlier this evening, so I can actually see straight, and I decided to take advantage of that fact.

Why do I have a migraine? 

First off, my birthday was Monday and I decided to live it up.  Saturday night out drinking with a friend (both alcohol and coconut in large quantities are triggers for me, which I didn't think about at the time - oh Malibu Rum, how I love and hate you...), Monday I spent most of the day with Boyfriend (IHOP, yarn and book shopping, a trip to school for his therapy appointment - more on that later), and dinner Monday night with the family at Red Lobster (we don't get to go very often, so I had lobster and crab and shrimp, all of which are triggers in large quantities).

(It was a great birthday, and I have no regrets. The people in my life are absolutely amazing and I am incredibly cared for, which makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.  Best birthday in a long time. :D)

Factor in stress for a moment here.  Boyfriend has been suffering from untreated depression for a while now, and I may or may not have done some drastic things on last Thursday to try to get him to show something - anything.  And we may or may not have had to work through things over the weekend to get him help and to help us be on good terms.  (Which we are.  And before you say anything, I did make an appointment with my therapist to discuss everything.  She is amazing.)

(And yeah, I know you can't help people until they realize they need help.  I was that way.  My sister was that way when she landed in the hospital.  As a former cutter and someone who deals with anxiety and depression, I get it.  It does not make it any less hard or less stressful.)

Now let's factor in my chocolate addition.  And the fact that there's salt on everything.  And that Boyfriend has been out of town since Tuesday and won't be back until the Wed before school starts for us.  I miss him like crazy and it's only been two days...

Plus Colorado weather changes.  Let's never forget Monsoon Season, lol.

So yeah.  Migraine party.  Still, I have no regrets.  I do think I'll try to keep a better eye on my triggers though.  Cause really, this sucks.

In other news, I haven't trained all week for my 5K.  I'm only a little nervous, you know? 

And by a little, I mean a lot.

Last time I got on the treadmill (which was last Wed), I could almost do a 17 minute mile. I know that's not the greatest, but for me that is huge.  Goal: 15 minute mile or less by August 17th, the day of the race.  I feel like I should be able to do it.

Also, I am so ready to go back to school.  I feel like science and teaching is really where I'm supposed to be.  The writing was a nice detour - I met some interesting people, learned some cool stuff, met my boyfriend via zombies during it - but not what I want to do forever.  I know teaching high school science will be hard, but I feel so strongly towards it.  It was originally what I went to community college for anyway, an Associates of Science to get my foot in the door.

(Forgive me if I've already talked about adding on the teaching certificate, I am pretty doped up on pain meds at the moment.  Like, earlier today, I tried unlocking the apartment door with the post office key.  Mom and sis just kind of laughed...)

Honestly, if I can make a difference in one kid's life, I will be happy.  And if teaching doesn't pan out, I still have my writing and my Environmental Science main degree to fall back on.

BTW, does anyone else think it's funny that this was supposed to be a yarn blog and it's become an everything-except-the-kitchen-sink thing instead?

Yeah.  That's my cue to try sleep again.

Hang tight, dear readers.  I'm sure there will be more excitement coming soon.

~Meaghan

Stuck at the Grocery Store

For six hours.

I kid you not, guys and gals.  I was stuck at the grocery store today with my mom and sister for six hours.

Why?

Because it was a blizzard and my boyfriend and dad were working different schedules.  So we left at 1 to go get my man at 2, only to find out when we arrived at the store that he was working until 7 like my dad.  Due to road conditions, we couldn't exactly leave.  If we had left, they would have had to sleep at the store.

(True story, my dad had to do that once about three years ago.  The snow was too deep for our little Focus and we couldn't get him.  It was not cool.  Although someone bought him deli chicken for dinner.  So I guess that was okay.)

We ate pizza from the in-store pizza place for lunch.  I had my knitting - that Doctor Who scarf - and made pretty good progress.  Kate had bought some fuzzy posters and let me color with her for a bit. 

But mostly we were bored and pissed.  Not at dad or Trev, but at their management for various things that have been going on and for the horrible things that happened today.

(I will not go into that today, just know that something's going to have to change or they are going to leave.)

So stress was high and weather was bad.  But we made it home and all is alright.  My dad's picking up chinese food as we speak.

The funny thing about it was the fact that all I wanted while at the store was to a) be home and b) take a shower.  I don't know if showering and being at a grocery store are related, but there you have it.

I seriously hate the snow. :(

And now, I'm off to eat orange chicken.

~Meaghan