Stuck at the Grocery Store

For six hours.

I kid you not, guys and gals.  I was stuck at the grocery store today with my mom and sister for six hours.

Why?

Because it was a blizzard and my boyfriend and dad were working different schedules.  So we left at 1 to go get my man at 2, only to find out when we arrived at the store that he was working until 7 like my dad.  Due to road conditions, we couldn't exactly leave.  If we had left, they would have had to sleep at the store.

(True story, my dad had to do that once about three years ago.  The snow was too deep for our little Focus and we couldn't get him.  It was not cool.  Although someone bought him deli chicken for dinner.  So I guess that was okay.)

We ate pizza from the in-store pizza place for lunch.  I had my knitting - that Doctor Who scarf - and made pretty good progress.  Kate had bought some fuzzy posters and let me color with her for a bit. 

But mostly we were bored and pissed.  Not at dad or Trev, but at their management for various things that have been going on and for the horrible things that happened today.

(I will not go into that today, just know that something's going to have to change or they are going to leave.)

So stress was high and weather was bad.  But we made it home and all is alright.  My dad's picking up chinese food as we speak.

The funny thing about it was the fact that all I wanted while at the store was to a) be home and b) take a shower.  I don't know if showering and being at a grocery store are related, but there you have it.

I seriously hate the snow. :(

And now, I'm off to eat orange chicken.

~Meaghan

Fear, Anxiety, and Yarn

So as I mentioned in the previous post, I'm in the process of going off my anti-anxiety medication.

I tell everyone I'm super excited to be finally getting off it.  I also tell everyone I can feel a difference.  These are both true: I feel lighter and I am very happy to be getting off it, especially as I read the prolonged effects of this medication.  Two years was more than enough on it.

But there's more.

I'm kind of...scared.

Yeah.  I'm scared to go off this medication. 

The reason I went on it was for panic attacks.  I started having them my second year of community college, a few months after I stopped harming myself.  (That's a blog for another time, my loves.)  I guess my body and mind couldn't cope with the fact that I didn't have a physical release for stress anymore, so they decided to give me one.

Fear is a very good thing.  It can be, anyway.  After all, that's how early cavemen knew to run from certain predators and situations.  That's how humans were able to evolve so much - fight or flight.  But for some of us, our bodies give us too much adrenaline.  There's too much fight or flight.

That's what happened to me.  I would be at school, waiting in the student area between classes, and the urge to cry would fall on me for no reason.  Anything could set it off.  That was okay.  I could handle crying.  But it evolved.  It became the walls caving in and me feeling like I couldn't breathe because there was no room.  I would begin to hyperventilate.  I either had to leave the area and go outside and hope it went away, or call my mom and ask her to come pick me up.

Once I went on the meds, it got better, at least for a while.  I met the man of my dreams, I graduated with honors with my Creative Writing degree.  I got a part time job at a retail place.  And then, just when things seemed right -

Wham.

They were back, worse than ever.  I don't know if it was the lack of sleep over the summer, the stress of my job at the time, the Batman theater shooting (Trev and I were at a different theater for the midnight release, but I had a friend at the cinaplex in the theater next door) or what.  But I just couldn't function.

Well.  Hello extra drugs.  And hello not being able to feel anything: no sex drive, no bright happiness, no colorful joy.  It wasn't that it was bad, it was just that the colors were kind of running together.  I honestly have a really hard time remembering most of those few months, to be totally honest.

Fast forward to the present.

Things are amazing right now.  I wouldn't say perfect, because nothing is perfect.  If my relationships were all perfect and I was perfect and life was perfect, I would be very, very concerned.

Things are good, though.  Perhaps better than they've been in the past two or three years even.  Which is why my doctor and I decided I would be able to get off my meds.  Because I want to feel again.  I want to taste life again.

And that brings me back to the original topic.  Fear.

What if I've forgotten who I was while I was on these meds?  What if I'm not me anymore?

Worse yet, what if the panic and fear and walls caving in all return? 

I know I have an amazing support system.  I have a strong faith.  And I believe in myself now, too, something I didn't have before.

And so, I knit.  I knit it all - the fear, the doubt, the anxiety, the concerns - row by row into Katie's Doctor Who scarf.  Straight garter stitch, over tweleve feet long.  I can feel the tension leave as I work on it, feel the doubts go away.

So far, the results of both the med reduction and the scarf have been great.  I'm feeling like me again, with a few exception days like today where I just want to sleep and feel like I'm walking in a fog.  But those are few and far now.  And the scarf is looking amazing.  I have about two feet done at this point.

(There will be pictures soon.  Promise, guys and gals.)

There you have it.  Where I am.  Thank you for reading. :)

~Meaghan

The Letter of the Day - S

Snow.

Socks.  (Finally finished. :D )

Scarf. (The Doctor Who has begun.)

Also, a shoutout to Trevor, who turns 22 today.  He is the most wonderful man and I am so blessed to be spending my life with him.  I love you, handsome. :)

~Birdie

Saturday Recap #1

Hello and welcome to our first Saturday Recap where I go through the week in terms of family, knitting, and life. :)

So, this week I had the unfortunate favor of catching a stomach bug.  For the most part it's gone.  So don't worry.

Work has been going pretty smoothly.  I'm doing Crystal Light Liquid, which is very similar to Mio water enhancer, only not as sweet.  It comes in really fun colors and makes me want to knit things in the electric blue and neon orange.

My sister started school this week.  It's strange being the one taking her to school instead of being the one taken to school.  I'm super proud of her for taking everything in her stride and making it. :)  She's the best little sister ever and I could not be happier to be her big sissy. :3

Project wise this has been a pretty good week as well.  I started a slouchie beanie.

And worked some more on my socks.  Hopefully those will be done today.

Maybe tomorrow...

I got 50 yards or so of some beautiful homespun, dyed by Kristine.

And I have a little bit left to spin and ply.

The yarn for Katie's Doctor Who Scarf came in with the exception of the Saddle Tan.

I love the names of the yarn.  Spiced Plum, anyone?

And in the next week, the love my life turns 22. 

Isn't he cute when he's sleeping??  I would knit him something, but he doesn't really wear or use a lot of knitted items.  Instead, I think I'm going to get him some movies...

Have a wonderful weekend, my readers, and enjoy life today!

~Birdie

Slouchie Beanies and Doctor Who Scarves

Hello dear readers.

The world of Birdie has been rather fun lately.  Mainly, I got a stomach bug.  Nothing too severe, but enough to throw off my game for the past two days.  Thus, this blog is lacking pictures.  My apologies guys.  Give me a few days and I'll show you what I'm working on.

I got a book of slouchie beanies to knit.  I cast on yesterday and am part way through my first one.  I'm kinda excited - these should be good items to sell at the Farmer's Markets this summer, plus they're fun and easy to knit. :)

We (meaning Katie bought it and I'm going to knit with it) got yarn today for a Doctor Who Scarf.  The yarn shop had special ordered it for us.  Everything came in except the Saddle Tan.  So we're waiting for it to come in so that I can start the scarf.

Other wise, all is well.  I finished setting the twist in that pretty homespun.  I have a little bit of fleece left, so I'm going to spin that up soon.

Hope all is well in your world.  Pictures soon.

~Birdie

When It's Cold...

..cast on a new project!

I was trying to come up with some new things last night.  My friend Kristine knits mittens and has a really cool way to formulate them.  It's incredible watching her go.  Mittens have always kind of made me nervous.  (Thumb gusset?  What?)

So last night while charting out some new colorwork, I attempted to write a formula for knitting mittens.

 

 

Which I then promptly ignored and cast on with abandon and scrap yarn.  Dangerous, I know.  But sometimes danger is good for the soul.

This is what I have as of five minutes ago:

I would like to note that this is without a pattern.  It's a little big, but that's okay.  I'm more or less experimenting.  So far, I like it.

Also, in case you were wondering, I have not forgotten about the nice blue socks I was working on.  Today I made it to the heel flap, all while in the car.

Do those stripes look a little wonky?  Cause they do to me.  I know that's the beauty of hand painted yarn, but I still can't get over how this is pooling.  Also, I know they're from the same dye lot, I know the Loopy Ewe wouldn't send two from different lots, and I double checked when they came.  But look at this:

Isn't that strange? 

I still love them though.  They're my odd little blue socks, full of soft warmth and personality.  :)

My sister Katie wants me to knit the Doctor's Scarf.  We ordered the yarn today, and it should be in by this time next week.  The Yarn Harlot did it in a week; Kate's expecting her within ten days of the yarn delivery.  I'm not sure how I feel about it.  I mean, that's a whole lot of garter stitch.  I'm excited for the challenge though.

(It does mean putting these cuties on hold though.  That's okay, I can't afford yarn at the moment anyway.)

And that is that.  Back to my mitten now. :)

~Birdie