The World is Watching

Maybe you've heard about it, my dear readers.  Maybe you haven't.  Maybe you care; maybe you don't.

I care. 

And you should too.

Russia has passed legislation that violates the European courts of human rights.  They were violating the courts anyway by not allowing gay prides.

 But this legislation goes a step further: gays, lesbians, transsexuals, bisexuals, and basically everyone who does not have a "traditional" (i.e. one man plus one woman) sexual relationship are facing discrimination.

Not just the kind of discrimination like we have here in the U.S. But the kind that gives jail time, fines, random arrests.  The kind that offers no aid if you get beat up, but rather makes your tormentors the victims and makes you look to blame.

Imagine living your life, as you are.  You're out, holding hands in public with the person you love.  And instead of being able to continue going to the store or the park or wherever you were heading, you get beat up and arrested because the person you love just happens to be the "wrong" person according to law.

Russian citizens are living in fear. 

And this law applies to tourists and athletes for the Olympics as well, with jail time of up to 15 days.

I can hear you thinking, readers.  "That's awful, but I don't live in Russia.  So why do I care?" or "I'm straight, why should this matter to me?"

Because no one deserves to be treated this way.  Look at these pictures and tell me that it's okay to have this happen to anyone.  Go on.  I'll wait.

  We have things like this in the U.S. too.  Don't let them kid you; it's far from perfect here.  There's verbal harassment and the occasional beating or murder reaches the news.  There are some states where same sex couples can marry and others where they can't; what does that do to the marriage license?

We have a lot of narrow minded people in America. 

But we also have a lot of open minded people. 

And for the most part, we're working our way to making equal rights for all.  Every college I've been to has a LGBTQ group as well as straight alliances.  I've seen same sex couples out at the grocery stores multiple times when I was working, all of them out without fear.  Overall, even though we aren't as far as I'd like us to be, there is still a lot of freedom here.

Russia, I have no words for you.

(Rather, I have too many words for you.)

People are people.  We all bleed red.  We all cry salt.  Orientation does not change who you are as a person. 

I found some videos that I think summarize the fear and worry many LGBTQ people face over in Russia.  No one should have to worry about discrimination at their job or school for their orientation.  No one should have to worry about their parents disowning them for who they love.

But what really hit it home for me was a comic, actually.

On Facebook and Twitter, I follow a guy named Bart who makes these really awesome comics about him and his partner, Mark.  I mean, these are comics that I relate to because similar things happen with my boyfriend and I.  I adore these guys.  I really do.

Anyway, he made a comic today that really made me cry.  Maybe it was because he put himself and Mark in it that made me so sad while I read it.   And while I knew things were bad, this made me realize just how bad it is over in Russia.

I can hear you thinking again, readers.  "But Meaghan, we live so far away.  What can we honestly do?"

Actually, quite a bit. :)

First off, there's the Olympics in 2014.

Johnny Weir, a gay U.S. ice skater I adore, is asking that we don't boycott the Olympics.

 I want to boycott more than you know, readers.  I really do.

 But Johnny makes a really good point - boycotting only hurts the athletes.  These are people who train their whole lives to go have one shining moment.  And, as history has shown with Jesse Owens in the 1936 Olympics, sometimes the ones who are discriminated against show up the ones who discriminate.

There is a human rights petition going around to get NBC (the station here in the U.S. that covers the Olympics) to reveal the brutality going on.  I would be more willing to watch if they did show or at least acknowledge during the coverage what is going on.

Use your best judgment with that. 

(I will probably only turn on for Johnny Weir and the ice skating.  But that's just me.)

Another thing: Vodka.

So I found this article about doing a vodka boycott.  As they point out, America imports over $59.7 a year in Russian vodka.  If we were to all stop drinking Russian vodka, such as Stoli and Russian Standard, it wouldn't kill the Russian economy.  However it may be enough to make them take notice.

So if you drink vodka, change up your brands.  Or if you're like me, grab that tequila.

Finally, I have a petition I signed that everyone should sign. 

Petitions are awesome and they actually do work.  I know some of you are skeptical.  Trust me.  When the voices of the people are loud enough, eventually those in power have to take notice. 

You can sign it here .

Let's keep putting pressure on Russia.  Let's keep making each other aware.

Russia, the world is watching.

And we are not happy.

~Meaghan

Watching and Waiting

There has been a huge wildfire here in Colorado.

We've been watching, waiting.  Until this afternoon, it was out of control.  As I write this, they have gotten it to 5% containment.

The fire is about an hour south of us.  But at the rate it was growing, we had some concerns about possibly being evacuated if they didn't get a grasp on it.

So I packed a fire bag or two.  Knitting stuff, the Bible my mom gave me and one boyfriend's grandfather gave him, my crisis kit out of the box (candles, Goddess cards, lotion, letter writing stuff, my journal), irriplaceable things, like the last Christmas card my grandma sent me.

It made me feel better.  That's all that mattered.  I had a gut instinct, I acted on it, I was able to somewhat sleep last night.

Since the fire is finally becoming controlled and the fear of it suddenly coming the hour our way backing off, I started unpacking my backpack.

And one of my favorite candles in a glass jar had broken.  The candle is fine.  The jar, not so much.

It's a small price for feeling safe.  I'll deal.

~Meaghan

P.S - I know the most important things aren't things at all, but people.  If I lost anyone I cared about, I don't know what I would do.  I would trade all of my things for their safety.  But packing really does calm, and if you can, you want those things you can't replace.

But not over the lives of those you loved.  Never.

Prayers for Colorado.

Fear, Anxiety, and Yarn

So as I mentioned in the previous post, I'm in the process of going off my anti-anxiety medication.

I tell everyone I'm super excited to be finally getting off it.  I also tell everyone I can feel a difference.  These are both true: I feel lighter and I am very happy to be getting off it, especially as I read the prolonged effects of this medication.  Two years was more than enough on it.

But there's more.

I'm kind of...scared.

Yeah.  I'm scared to go off this medication. 

The reason I went on it was for panic attacks.  I started having them my second year of community college, a few months after I stopped harming myself.  (That's a blog for another time, my loves.)  I guess my body and mind couldn't cope with the fact that I didn't have a physical release for stress anymore, so they decided to give me one.

Fear is a very good thing.  It can be, anyway.  After all, that's how early cavemen knew to run from certain predators and situations.  That's how humans were able to evolve so much - fight or flight.  But for some of us, our bodies give us too much adrenaline.  There's too much fight or flight.

That's what happened to me.  I would be at school, waiting in the student area between classes, and the urge to cry would fall on me for no reason.  Anything could set it off.  That was okay.  I could handle crying.  But it evolved.  It became the walls caving in and me feeling like I couldn't breathe because there was no room.  I would begin to hyperventilate.  I either had to leave the area and go outside and hope it went away, or call my mom and ask her to come pick me up.

Once I went on the meds, it got better, at least for a while.  I met the man of my dreams, I graduated with honors with my Creative Writing degree.  I got a part time job at a retail place.  And then, just when things seemed right -

Wham.

They were back, worse than ever.  I don't know if it was the lack of sleep over the summer, the stress of my job at the time, the Batman theater shooting (Trev and I were at a different theater for the midnight release, but I had a friend at the cinaplex in the theater next door) or what.  But I just couldn't function.

Well.  Hello extra drugs.  And hello not being able to feel anything: no sex drive, no bright happiness, no colorful joy.  It wasn't that it was bad, it was just that the colors were kind of running together.  I honestly have a really hard time remembering most of those few months, to be totally honest.

Fast forward to the present.

Things are amazing right now.  I wouldn't say perfect, because nothing is perfect.  If my relationships were all perfect and I was perfect and life was perfect, I would be very, very concerned.

Things are good, though.  Perhaps better than they've been in the past two or three years even.  Which is why my doctor and I decided I would be able to get off my meds.  Because I want to feel again.  I want to taste life again.

And that brings me back to the original topic.  Fear.

What if I've forgotten who I was while I was on these meds?  What if I'm not me anymore?

Worse yet, what if the panic and fear and walls caving in all return? 

I know I have an amazing support system.  I have a strong faith.  And I believe in myself now, too, something I didn't have before.

And so, I knit.  I knit it all - the fear, the doubt, the anxiety, the concerns - row by row into Katie's Doctor Who scarf.  Straight garter stitch, over tweleve feet long.  I can feel the tension leave as I work on it, feel the doubts go away.

So far, the results of both the med reduction and the scarf have been great.  I'm feeling like me again, with a few exception days like today where I just want to sleep and feel like I'm walking in a fog.  But those are few and far now.  And the scarf is looking amazing.  I have about two feet done at this point.

(There will be pictures soon.  Promise, guys and gals.)

There you have it.  Where I am.  Thank you for reading. :)

~Meaghan