The (Anti)Year in Review

Hello there, my dear sweet readers.

Today is December 20th.  Our year is almost over.  Normally, this is when I write my year in review, going month by month, trying to remember what I did all year.

But I've realized something this year: we as humans spend an awful lot of time looking back.  Sometimes it's mournfully, sometimes it's joyfully, and sometimes it's regretfully; but all of it is watching in the rear view mirror.

Life is too short.

So let's try something new.  Let's call it:  A Look to the Future.

*cue science fiction music at leisure*

Instead of going month by month, recapping everything, I'm going to make a list of 12 things answering this question: Where will I be in 2014 and what do I hope for while I'm there?

(For those of you playing along at home, I highly encourage you to make your own Look to the Future.  It gives a serious feeling of optimism and hope, something I think we can all benefit from.)

Let's begin!

1. I've been writing a lot of creative non-fiction essays this past year.  I'm hoping that in 2014 I'll have them typed and finalized and ready to go in some sort of package, in an attempt to get them published.

2. I'm also hoping to get my fiction story that I've just recently started written.  I have this serious problem of getting great ideas and doing all sorts of research, and then not finishing the project.  I really hope to break that cycle (even if the story stays in my home forever) in 2014.

3. I will be in the throes of wedding planning.  My bridesmaids are lined up, the location and date are reserved, and the guest list is almost done.  So we've already really got a good start.  Next year means actually starting to buy things, like stationary for invitations, unity candles, and...

4. A wedding dress!! I am so excited.  I know a marriage is not about the dress or the ceremony, but I can't help it.  I am really looking forward to dress shopping.  I want to look like a princess.  I want to feel beautiful.  Which leads to...

5. Not letting my weight define me.  So much of this year was spent in self loathing over my weight and where I am.  No more.  I am going to be a beautiful plus bride when the time comes.  And I'm going to spend 2014 learning how to love myself better, not only for the fact that it's healthy for me, but so that I am able to love those around me better as well.

6. I'm going to rock my science classes.  My semesters are getting to a point where the classes are heavy and hard, yet everything I love.  Fall of 2014 is probably going to see me taking between 15 and 18 credits.  This is more than I've ever taken before in a semester, but I love what I'm doing, so I'm not overly worried.

7. I plan on working a crazy amount this summer.  For our honeymoon, Trev and I have decided that we want to go to Disneyland.  (I've never been, and he's been wanting to take me for almost the entirety of our relationship.  I'm very excited.)  So I want to spend most of my summer working to help save up for it.  (He'll be working and saving as well, so it should work out.)

8. Trev and I will be celebrating our 3rd anniversary together.  It will be our last one as a dating couple, as we'll be married around the time of our following one.  I can not imagine a better man who completes me.  He never holds me back.  He makes me laugh.  When my dreams are a little out of control, he helps me trim them so that they can actually happen.  I love him.

9. I plan on continuing to take violin lessons.  This is something I recently started again (just a few months ago, actually) and I love it.  I only really play for myself and my family, but it feels really good.  I may participate in a recital this upcoming spring or fall as well.  We'll see.

10. I'm doing the Color Me Rad 5K with my sister again.  I don't know if we'll be running it, or if we'll walk it again.  Either way, we've already decided to do it again.  It was just too fun when we did it this year.  Neither of us want us to miss out on it ever again.

11. I plan on making time for my priorities.  This year I had a really hard time relating to a lot of my peers due to everything going on.  In the upcoming year, I'm going to work on being more social.  It may be selectively social ( I don't typically do well with large groups), but I will make more of an effort.  I plan on taking time for my family, too.  And I'm also going to make sure that I have some alone time.  Because as crazy as it sounds, I get worn out from being around people constantly and I need that time to recharge.

And finally....

12. I'm moving!  Don't worry, it's still in Colorado.  And yes, my fiance and I will still be living with my parents and sister.  But we're looking to move to a less expensive apartment out of Highlands Ranch and into somewhere like Littleton in the summer.  Moving is always a pain, but it brings about the opportunity to meet new neighbors and maybe have some more space to spread out.  I'm actually rather excited.

There are so many other things I want 2014 to bring.  But these 12 things are a good start.

As this blog post finishes up, I want to ask a simple question of you, my dear readers:

Where will you be in 2014 and what do you hope for while you're there?

Happy Holidays, and may 2014 be kind to you as you strive to achieve your list of hopes.

~Meaghan

Things Learned From Grief

Hi there, my dear readers.  I am back.  Not in one piece, but back and swinging.

Grief, I am learning, is an awful beast.  Some days, I wake up and feel fine.  By the end of the day, I'm crying over little things that normally wouldn't bother me.  Other days, I wake up in a fog and remain there all day.

I'm up and down and all around.  I feel like a human merry-go-round.

All of which is supposedly normal.

(I would like to note that I have the best mom ever, who let me cry an ugly cry in the car today and just told me it would be okay while rubbing my shoulder.)

Anyway.

I'm trying to get it back together.  Yesterday, I picked up knitting for the first time in over a month.  I didn't do anyhing substatial except a row of random enterlac, but still.  It was something.

I have been doing other crafts, just for whatever that's worth.  I've discovered I enjoy coutned cross stitch.  And I love making cards and things.  Instead of journaling, I've been writing letters to myself on an almost daily basis, letters I plan on reading at the end of the year.

So I'm trying.

There's been so much sadness this month, though.  I mean, seriously.  I have spring PTSD, I'm sure of it.  This year, Grandma died, the Boston bombing happened, and the plant in Texas blew.  Last year, my boyfriend nearly committed suicide.  (He's safe and has been living with us since last April, and is doing so much better.  In a few years, I'm going to be very proud and happy to call him my husband.)  The year before that, my anxiety and panic attacks started.

Stuff needs to stop happening in the spring.

But there's a lot of good, too, my readers.  I have been made painfully aware of that too.  The sun is shining today for the first time in what feels like ages.  Family is closer than ever.  And, as we saw with the theater shootings, people at the Boston Marathon were helpers, running towards the wounded to help.

One of my favorite yarn bloggers, Rachael Herron, is doing a Boston Love Blanket.  I am going to make a square.  I haven't knit anything of substance since March, but if I know one thing, it's that helping others helps you.  If this can't get me back into my knitting, nothing will.

This month has also made me painfully aware of how short life is.  Grandma would want me to live it to the fullest.  And, like she and Grandpa, I want to be able to be around for a very, very long time.

So I've started a weight loss journey.  I would love for you guys to join me, if you want.  What made me do this?  On the trip to Missouri for Grandma's funeral, my mom noticed I stopped breathing in my sleep.  I've done it a few times since I got back.  It worries me, it worries my boyfriend, it worries my family.

 I'm not going to lie: I'm pretty overweight.  For my height and body type, I should weigh in at about 160 or so.  When I got back from the trip, I weighed in at 221.4 pounds.  That is the heaviest I have ever been in my life.  I'm 22 for crying out loud - I should be able to keep up, to breathe through the whole night, to be healthy and happy.

So far, I've lost 4 pounds by cutting out soda and most fried foods, and by working out for thirty minutes five days a week.  I've set up rewards for myself for each 5 pound mark I hit.  These are things like getting my nails done, going shopping, buying the foutain pen I want.  That sort of thing.  The goal is to lose 40 pounds by the end of the year, taking me down to 181.4.  I'm going to take pictures each milestone, then have a blog with it all at the end of the year.

What do you think?

I think life is short.  I think grief is hard.  And I think love will rule all.  I'm going to make each day count for something.  Join me.

~Meaghan