I Knit, a Poem

The following is a quick poem I wrote this morning.

I Knit

I knit 

To keep myself sane 

To keep myself going

To keep myself focused when the anxiety feels like it will swallow me whole.

I knit 

To stop myself from eating my emotions 

To stop myself from picking my scabs and acne

To stop myself from screaming in the face of things I can’t control.

I knit

To wrap my loved ones in comfort

To wrap myself in a soothing rhythm

To wrap my world in a type of bubble wrap that keeps things safe.

I knit 

To create 

Calm, love, peace, new starts.  

I knit 

To destroy 

Pain, frustration, ugliness, stress.

I knit 

Because I am.

Breathe in.

Purl two.

Breathe out.

A Word to the Wise

Hey readers.

I know I haven't published on this particular blog in a year, but a concern of mine has brought me out of hiatus to write this warning: at all costs, avoid a user named vividlygeneric.

The backstory:

Vividlygeneric seems incredibly sweet and cute on the front.  And initially, this person seems like someone you want to be friends with.  However, this isn't the case.  As soon as you no longer have anything to offer them, this particular person turns on a whim.

The first case of cyber bullying was when my sister started dating vividlygeneric's brother.  The user got online and whined to her YouTube fans about how "betrayed" she was.  Really?  She basically turned the YouTube sphere against my sister to the point where my once brilliantly creative video making sister quit making videos to avoid being harassed.

But what vividlygeneric has done now takes the fucking cake.

My sister was living with the user's brother.  They were engaged.  My family and I did not get along with the guy (he sent me threatening text messages last summer and I reacted poorly and basically it was a mess), but we recognized that he was the one my sister wanted to be with.  He ended up taking his life and my sister found him.

My sister knew he was depressed, her therapists knew he was depressed, and his therapists knew he was depressed.  My sister, knowing we were going out of town, left him a note of things to do - a list that she believed would keep him alive while we were gone and would give her some extra time with him.  She did the best she could in the situation, and frankly, situations like this have no right answers or solutions; you just have to do the best you can with what you have.

Vividlygeneric is now blaming my sister for his death in very indirect but biting ways.  This is bullying and slander, and if I really wanted to, I suspect  I could get this user blocked on YouTube.  But I don't want to do that.  I just want to warn everyone that this user is toxic and dangerous.

The text messages that this user sent my sister make the ones that I received last summer look like friendly conversation.  Vividlygeneric is dangerous, mean, and out for attention.  They claim to have survived 12 suicide attempts, which in my mind means they need some serious help which they aren't getting.  They are unpredictable.

On all media, this person is known as vividlygeneric.  I am not going to give actual names.  I am not advocating you harass this person or send mean messages to them.  They aren't worth that.

I am advising that everyone avoid them like the plague.  It's really for the best.

~Birdie

So Sad

Robin Williams died yesterday.

My heart is so sad.  I've been crying off and on since last night.

I think maybe I'm still mourning the passing my grandmother last year.  Plus everything has been crazy and there's been a lot of worry the past few months.

It's just been a lot.  I've been focused on getting things done and not really dealing with everything in my life.

And now Robin Williams is gone, and I have finally spilled over.

That is all, my readers.

~Meaghan

Oh Hey There!

Hi there, my dear readers.

I know I have been absent for over two months.  A lot has been going on, and I was also completely enjoying my summer break.  Seriously.  I was at the pool at least three times a week this summer, weather allowing.  (We had a few hail storms in there, and it is monsoon season now, but other than that, I've been making an effort to get off my computer and go outside.)

So rather than rehashing everything that has been my summer, I propose we start new.

School starts in one week.

I'm really excited about it.  I love being on campus, I love learning new things, and I love doing papers and things.  And since I'm now an English Education major, I'm especially excited about this semester.  I did not drop my GPA last semester as much as I had feared; I am still in the 3.0 range.  It's just not where I would like it and I know I am capable of bringing it back up.  Next week is the start of a redemption period for me.

I've started setting little goals for myself each day.  The feeling of satisfaction from achieving them is really helpful for me right now.  My anxiety has peaked for the first time really since spring and I don't really want to go into details, but little goals help keep it in check.

(I'm also going to be seeing a therapist at the end of the month who is trained to give out medication for my anxiety.  After having a panic attack from talking wedding, my fiance, mom, and myself talked about it and decided it was for the best.  I have a lot going on and I need to be the best me I can possibly be.)

I did get two scholarships this semester, which is awesome! One is through my dad's main job and one is through his part time job.  This is the last year I qualified for the scholarships and I feel really blessed that I got them.  Of all the years to get financial help, this one was a biggie.

Wedding plans are going pretty smoothly.  I'm trying not to think too much about it, because school is more pressing right now.  But the church is reserved (I took in the deposit check today!) and I'm going to be visiting my fiance's family over Thanksgiving break.  I'm nervous about that, but everyone is being pretty awesome to me about it.  Fiance's best friend's girlfriend has actually friended me on Tumblr and is being above and beyond awesome.  So that's pretty cool.

And yeah, I think that about sums everything up for now.  I'm planning (now that school is back and I'm on an actual schedule again) to update at least twice a week.  I might do more depending on the week.  During midterms and finals, it might be less.  We will see.

Have a great Monday, dear readers!

~Meaghan

A Letter To My Teenage Self

Dear 18 year old me,

It's nearly 24 year old you, from the future.  Howdy, kid. :)

I'm writing this on your second blog.  I know you swear you'll never give up your old blog in favor of a new one, but let me tell you something: you're going to hit a point where you are so overwhelmed with everything that you decide you need a fresh start.  This blog is part of that.

I know things are really rough for you right now.  It's 2008 and you've finished high school; you've decided to take some time for yourself before going to college.  Taking a year off wasn't your first choice.  I know that there is a lot of external pressure to go to school.  But I also know how overwhelming it feels trying to navigate college waters at the moment.

(We call this anxiety, by the way.  You know the overwhelming need to be sick when you are late or too early to things?  That's also anxiety.  You'll never be officially diagnosed with it, but you will learn to control it.  More on this in a few paragraphs.)

I know you aren't even sure if you want to go to college at this point.  Your world is feeling completely weird, like you haven't slept in days and all your nerves are numb.  That's okay.  You are okay.  Believe me, this year is going to help you so much.

And when it's done, you'll go to school.  And it will be the best thing ever.

You are probably now working at your job at Sylvan as a Student Aid.  I know the job feels weird at the moment and overwhelming (how on earth are you supposed to remember where everything goes or comes from or what you're supposed to pull each hour?!), but  you are going to love it in about a month.  The kids are great, the teachers are pretty great, and the hours are good.

My advice while you're there?

Learn as much as you can.  Learn from the teachers, learn from the kids, learn from the parents.  Learn about yourself as you work with these wonderful people.  The job may not be perfect, no job is, but it is the best job to date that you will have.  Believe me.  Leaving there in two years will be necessary to help you grow and come into your own, but no job will be as sweet as working at Sylvan.

(You're going to find yourself thinking about it at each job that requires you to wake up at 3 am to work with horrible managers.  You're going to think about it and the kids while you're standing for six hours at King Soopers, trying to ignore the rude customers who greedily grab off your sample table.

Those jobs are necessary, though.  Believe me.  With each one, you'll learn a little more about yourself.)

I know right now you are in a slump.  You feel like everything is fuzzy and you can't feel.  I know you still keep a razor hidden in your bathroom drawers, your scissors always within arm reach, your hoodie always near by.  Those things make you feel for a moment, but you will always be found out.  You will always have to deal with the consequences of them.  And the scars, both emotionally and physically, will remain a long time.

You hate how it controls you but you don't feel like you will ever overcome it.  Trust me, you will.  You will still think about it sometimes when things are hard.  And it will never fully leave you.  But you will overcome the urge to harm yourself.  As I write you this, you have gone nearly four years without an incident.  

It will be three years when you start to develop panic attacks.  That is when doctors will finally take you seriously.  You will be diagnosed for depression when it's really anxiety and you'll go off and on various meds.  But eventually you'll be able to learn coping skills and how to kill the panic, kill the sadness and pain.

And on those days you can't, the days you can barely get out of bed or the panic sneaks up on you, your support system will carry you.  It is not weakness like you think it is.  It is strength to allow them to help you.  Your support system now is good, but doesn't really know how to help.  But in a few  years... Oh, believe me, you will have a great support system soon.  Let them help you.

I know you are hung up on that boy you've liked for the past two years.  He's going to ask you to his homecoming this fall.  You are going to be ecstatic.  But it's not going to be the way you expected and everything is going to feel wrong.  You won't know why at first, but after the weekend passes, you'll realize that he wasn't what you thought he was.  It will break your heart, but you are strong.

You will bounce back.  You will be okay.  There will be others you find funny, cute, smart - enjoy your crushes, but don't let them dominate you.  Don't let them drive you to do stupid things.

It will be three years from now, when you have given up on finding anyone, that he finds you.  He won't be what you thought you wanted: he's not tall, nor is he romantic in the traditional sense, and he doesn't write poetry.

 He's funny, though, and smart, and incredibly dorky.  He'll understand your zombie jokes and Star Trek references and he'll love MST3K when you introduce him to it.  He's exactly what you need.  Be open.

Right now, you don't feel attractive.  You feel fat, so so fat.  Let me tell you something.  You are not fat.  You are not ugly.  You are beautiful.  You have had the fat mindset since you were 15, and it's wrong.  It is a lie, a horrible ugly lie that the industries around you have sold you.  I wish you could see how beautiful you are, inside and out.

As time progresses, you won't be able to shake the feeling of fat; it's going to haunt you, constantly.  It sets you up for weight gain over the next six years.  As you struggle with your weight, you'll discover problems with your liver, with your thyroid.  You'll learn of all the medical history on both sides of your family and you are at a large disadvantage for all of it.  Your clothes will becomes womens sizes instead of misses, and you'll attempt any fad diet you can, which causes you to gain more.

Stop it.  Stop the fad diets, stop the worry.  Your body will do what it's going to do.

If I could impart anything on you, it would be to use gentle words with yourself.  Stop telling yourself lies in the mirror, 18 year old me.  You are not fat.  You are not stupid.  You are beautiful and kind and you're about to be pretty successful with stuff.

So wear the red lipstick and play with your hair.  You can so totally pull it off.

Right now you feel lonely, like things are caving in on you.  Soon, you will have more friends.  Trust me on this.  You will have friends you can go out with, gossip with, take day trips with.  Some will stay, some will go.  Some you will have to help out the door because they are bad for you.  Others will enter and take their places.  It ebbs and flows, like a tide, a current in the creek you miss.

  And you're also going to learn that you like having time by yourself.  You will learn that you enjoy your own company, and that is perfectly fine.

(You'll never really get over your fear of the dark though.  Sorry about that.  That viewing of the Exorcist that dad showed us when we were 12 really did fuck us up.  On the bright side, you're going to discover zombie movies pretty soon, and those rock.  As for the dark thing, I recommend holiday lights up year round.)

At this point in your life, you are a devoted Christian.  It feels right to you and it's all you know.  It's comfortable and beautiful and you love it.  And that is good.  But in a few years, things are going to shift and you're going to find yourself drawn to other ideas.  You're going to find that you love the idea of a goddess as opposed to a god, to nature and energy work.

You'll feel conflicted because it's all so different; relax.  You will figure out how things fit together, how it works best for you.  You will find your way.  You will keep your Christian roots and add to it what feels right.  As you grow, you're going to learn that being spiritual is not a path set in rigid stones and it will liberate you.

You are powerful.  Remember that.

(You'll also discover that you have a natural ability to candle magic and rune reading.  Don't be afraid of it.  It is all connected to the higher being you worship and adore.)

You are going to experience some really stressful situations in a few years.  There will be deaths and near deaths and hospitals and trips and a lot of tears.  I mean, you could probably cry the Mississippi at some point.

But it is all going to be worth it.  The joy will outweigh the grief.

(I don't want to spoil too much, but you're going to need to start thinking about that wedding you think you're never going to get.  Cause you're going to get it pretty soon.)

As you grow, you're going to question everything.  And I do mean everything.  You'll question your sexuality, your faith, your goals, your life.  You'll question teachers, bosses, friends, enemies.  This is all part of it.  And it's awesome and it never ends.  You will always be learning about yourself and the world around you.  It rocks.

Be gentle with yourself, 18 year old me.  This time will not last forever.  Eventually you will be happy and things will work.  Trust me.

I love you, and I wish I had told you.

My nearly 24 year old self

P.S.:  When you turn 21, skip the margarita.  You'll like it, but it will make you way tipsy.  You won't like beer too much, but go for a Guinness.  Trust me on this; you will like that one. ;)

Changes

Hey there, dear readers.

(I'm not even going to address the absence.)

Things are pretty okay in my section of the universe.  I've almost completely re-adjusted to fiance being out of town.  (It's been like what, two and a half weeks?)  I finally am over sleeping with the lights on!  This is huge!  And he'll be home in a week and a half, so I'm pretty happy about that.  :)

I went shopping for a swimsuit last week.  It was not the best thing that has ever happened to me.  See, I'm not exactly a small girl.  Rather, I was a big girl to begin with and then I went and gained an extra 40 or 50 pounds the past few years.  And it was kind of brought to my attention when Wal-Mart didn't carry a suit large enough for me.

I ended up at JCPenney's (not the store I worked at a few years ago; I will never, ever go back to that hellhole) and got a cute suit that was also on sale.  While there, I found this dress I liked and decided to try it on for a confidence boost.  It fit wonderfully and I thought I looked pretty good.  My mom was with me and told me it slimmed me down and looked good.  So I had her take a picture of me in it.

Um.

I didn't realize how heavy I was until I looked at that picture.

Now, before anyone gets mad at me for feeling bad about my weight, let me explain some things.  I am nearly 24 years old.  I have a low thyroid, high cholesterol, non-alcoholic fatty liver disease, and a family history of heart attacks, hardened arteries, and diabetes.  Some times, I stop breathing in my sleep and wake myself up.

I am basically a walking time bomb.  I needed a wake up call.

You would think the diagnosis of liver disease would do it.  But it took looking at a picture of myself in a dress that I thought was cute to realize how bad I've let things go.  This isn't to say that I'm a slob or anything - I shower regularly, I dress well, I carry myself well.  I just had a lot of setbacks the past few years that have caused me to gain a crazy amount of weight.

What happened over the weekend was I realized that I am getting married in less than a year and I do not want to look like that in my wedding pictures.

So I'm using a program on my phone that I've used before (and it works, I just chose not to stay with it last time) called My Fitness Pal.  Basically, it tracks my calorie consumption.  I'm on 1340 calories a day; when I exercise, I gain back calories.

In a week, I've lost 6 pounds.  I think those are probably from cutting soda out of my life and flushing my body with water (I never drink enough water) and I expect it to slow down.  But if I could be down 20 pounds by August, when I go dress shopping, that would be amazing.  The goal is to be down a total of 40 to 50 pounds by my wedding in May.  That puts me at a weight that is still high for me, but is healthier than where I am.  It also is where I was when I met my fiance back in 2011.

So that's life for me now.  It really is a lifestyle change.  I plan on staying with it and I am hoping it works.  I'm also praying a lot, and I feel rather confident that whoever is watching me up there is going to help me out too.

On top of all this, my family is in the process of moving from one apartment to another across town.  This is a positive move, as it means I'll be able to walk to catch the train in the mornings for school.  It's also positive for the whole family because there are so many places to walk to around the new complex.  There are two grocery stores, several restaurants, a movie theater, and an ice cream place, to name a few.  So I think we're all pretty excited.

But seriously, moving is hard work.  And it's difficult without my fiance, who is awesome at packing and heavy lifting.  As he keeps reassuring me on the phone, it will be okay.  We will get it done.  And I believe him.

It's still a lot though.

And that is your lovely update. :) I'm off to pack a box before bed.

~Meaghan

Shattered

When I was 16, my dear readers, I had the opportunity to go to Florida with my then best friend.  My family and I had moved to Colorado the year prior while my friend stayed in Missouri, and it was a great chance to spend a week with her and to see the ocean.

We stayed in this really cool hotel that was right on the beach.  It had a kitchen, so my friend and I made a lot of our own food.  (Her parents were off most of the time and let us basically be adults even though we were only 16.)  One of the meals we did had artichoke hearts in it, the kind that came in cool glass jar.  When we were done, I took the jar and rinsed it out.  

I then proceeded to spend the rest of the week filling it with sand and shells I found along the beach.

I'll be honest, the week wasn't perfect.  I was just beginning to show signs of what I now know as general anxiety disorder and I didn't have a grasp of how my blood sugar and lack of sleep worked.  So I was a total roller coaster, especially towards the end.

But the trip was still a lot of fun and I am so thankful I took it.

That little jar of sand and shells has sat consistently on my desk and windowsill, depending, for the past 8 years.  It's moved through three different apartments with me; I have always loved having it, both because of it's simplistic beauty (shells, white sand, a food jar) and for the friendship it represented.  

Even as we drifted, I kept the jar of shells.

And then this happened tonight.

After 8 years, the jar fell from my window as I closed my blinds and broke.

The cuts are all clean along the glass.  It broke in nearly three perfect pieces.

I'm not sad, actually.  For me, this is the universe helping me out.

My friend and I haven't talked in ages.  The last time we spoke, it was when she called a few months ago to tell me she is pregnant.  Before that, it was last summer when she came to visit for a few days.  It was uncomfortable - we have both grown so much, and while that's a good thing, we've grown apart.

I think I had been in denial of this, of the breaking of a friendship that I thought would last forever, until a month or two ago.  I cleaned out my keepsake drawers, organizing what I had, tossing what I could.  I mailed my friend a few pictures I found that I thought she might want.  

I came to terms, basically.

And this happened, and as I bagged up the shells before vacuuming the rest, I knew it was right.  The friendship is broken and gone, and I am okay.

I am okay.

A few years ago, and this would have been detrimental.  But where I am now, I'm okay.  I have a fiance who cares about me and who I care about, I have a few close friends who I talk with and spend time with, and I have my family.

I am okay.

Sometimes, it's okay for things to break.

~Meaghan