The Wednesday Post

Hey readers!

I had a Monday post, but I ended up deleting it.  It was basically me rambling about stuff while in a depressed mood and honestly, I was kind of embarrassed a few hours after posting, so I took it down.

Not a bad thing.
It happens to all of us.
There is a reason one of my English professors said she burned all her journals when her kids were born.
Sometimes, we write shit we feel weird about later.

(I think I'm going to burn my journals too before I have kids.  Too much personal stuff, and embarrassing stuff at that.  I made it through, I don't need the reminders of braces boy, my coming of age, and various depressive spells throughout high school and community college.)

I don't know what to write today, though, to be honest.

It's Wednesday, but it's summer and the days are blurring for me.

I was diagnosed with pink eye and a fever today, which explains a lot about why my eye hurts and keeps watering.  Might also explain my headaches from the past few days.

I got some spiffy eye drops.

I can't remember the last time something like this happened.
I think it was when I was working with a tutoring company back in 2009?
Yeah, that sounds about right.

Kids man.
They spread illness like it's medieval England.

Dunno where I got this one, but I'm glad it's not strep.

I'm realizing school's going to be hell this fall.
The only reason I chose a late class was because I wanted a particular professor.
(She runs ComicCon for my city and is honestly one of my favorite professors.  If anyone can make Milton interesting, I'm betting my semester that it's her.  I'm going to cry otherwise.)
My sister is also coming to school and has a class earlier and later than me.
I volunteered to stay on campus with her because crime rates have gone up and there's no way in hell I'm not going to be there with her after dark.

So I'm going to be on campus for 12 and a half hours twice a week, only in class for about five of those, and the breaks are spread out in such a way that I can't go home and back easily.
Plus field experience twice a week.

Thank god for escapism, complicated knitting projects, and my friends and husband.

Otherwise, I think I might die.

I hate being downtown to begin with.
I hate being there after dark.
I hate the fear of it and the fact that I have yet to figure out a way to get over it.

We'll see how things go.

I think this about sums up things?
Yeah.

Anxiety is still present in my stomach, and I think it will always be there in a little knot, but it's mellowed some.  At least, to the point where I'm back to functioning like a normal person, which thank god for because honestly, it was getting really hard to breathe for a while there.

I've kind of chilled about writing.
I hit that point where I keep hitting a blank wall.
I've tried writing canon characters.
I've tried writing my OCs in the canon and AU verses.
Hell, I tried writing a character for a novel I've had in my head for over two years.

Nothing.

I'm not so much frustrated about it as I am sad.
I didn't realize how much this got me through summer until I couldn't do it anymore.
Maybe a break is good.
But it still makes me sad.

I think I'm trying too hard.
It's supposed to be fun and I'm taking it too seriously.
Learning to relax and go with things is so difficult for me, so it's time to learn, bit by bit.
I live so much by rules...when there are none or I can't make some, it's...I worry I'm doing things wrong.

I'm learning.

Again, like I said at the start of this post, not a bad thing.
It happens to all of us, in different ways.
We learn and grow.

And my eye is stinging again.
I think that's a good place to leave this.
~Birdie