Shattered

When I was 16, my dear readers, I had the opportunity to go to Florida with my then best friend.  My family and I had moved to Colorado the year prior while my friend stayed in Missouri, and it was a great chance to spend a week with her and to see the ocean.

We stayed in this really cool hotel that was right on the beach.  It had a kitchen, so my friend and I made a lot of our own food.  (Her parents were off most of the time and let us basically be adults even though we were only 16.)  One of the meals we did had artichoke hearts in it, the kind that came in cool glass jar.  When we were done, I took the jar and rinsed it out.  

I then proceeded to spend the rest of the week filling it with sand and shells I found along the beach.

I'll be honest, the week wasn't perfect.  I was just beginning to show signs of what I now know as general anxiety disorder and I didn't have a grasp of how my blood sugar and lack of sleep worked.  So I was a total roller coaster, especially towards the end.

But the trip was still a lot of fun and I am so thankful I took it.

That little jar of sand and shells has sat consistently on my desk and windowsill, depending, for the past 8 years.  It's moved through three different apartments with me; I have always loved having it, both because of it's simplistic beauty (shells, white sand, a food jar) and for the friendship it represented.  

Even as we drifted, I kept the jar of shells.

And then this happened tonight.

After 8 years, the jar fell from my window as I closed my blinds and broke.

The cuts are all clean along the glass.  It broke in nearly three perfect pieces.

I'm not sad, actually.  For me, this is the universe helping me out.

My friend and I haven't talked in ages.  The last time we spoke, it was when she called a few months ago to tell me she is pregnant.  Before that, it was last summer when she came to visit for a few days.  It was uncomfortable - we have both grown so much, and while that's a good thing, we've grown apart.

I think I had been in denial of this, of the breaking of a friendship that I thought would last forever, until a month or two ago.  I cleaned out my keepsake drawers, organizing what I had, tossing what I could.  I mailed my friend a few pictures I found that I thought she might want.  

I came to terms, basically.

And this happened, and as I bagged up the shells before vacuuming the rest, I knew it was right.  The friendship is broken and gone, and I am okay.

I am okay.

A few years ago, and this would have been detrimental.  But where I am now, I'm okay.  I have a fiance who cares about me and who I care about, I have a few close friends who I talk with and spend time with, and I have my family.

I am okay.

Sometimes, it's okay for things to break.

~Meaghan

Yup, It's Strep Again

So I was right this morning, my dear readers.  Somehow, the antibiotics didn't get rid of my strep throat infection from a week and a half ago.  The doctor didn't even have me come in; that's a sign of how bad it was.

Now I'm back on antibiotics and hopefully I'll be feeling better soon.  The one good thing is that I caught it before it escalated to where it was initially.

This worries me though.

In 2012, I was sick nearly every month of the year.  I had repeat strep, repeat sinus infections, yeast infections, and at one point, an ear infection/strep/fever combo like a few weeks ago.  That was also the year I gave myself mild carpal tunnel from knitting too much (I was trying to get a sweater done for my dad for Christmas) and had to give my hands and arms a month long break.

I really don't want to repeat that year.  I don't want to get into a loop of reinfections and weakened immune system.  Not cool.  Not okay with this.

So I'm on a new toothbrush, and in a few days, I'll swap it out.  I'm planning on washing the sheets and blankets this weekend, as well as throwing all snot items (used tissues, old water bottles) out.

Bleh.

And that is your update about the post this morning.  Healing energy would be great if you have any to spare, or just positive thoughts. All are greatly appreciated.  :)

Until the next post, loves.

~Meaghan

6 AM

Hey there, my dear readers.

Right now, it's 6:14 am.  (Don't you just love how I'm updating at strange hours now?  Although, I guess this isn't really that strange.  When I worked bagel hell and retail, both required me to get up between 3 and 4 in the morning...)

Anyway, it's 6 in the morning and I've been up since 4:30.  Why?

My stupid throat.

So a week and a half ago, I had strep throat really bad.  Like, I missed one of my finals and had to make it up because I was so sick.  And at 4:30 this morning, two things happened.

1. I realized I slept for six glorious hours without waking up, which is huge.

And

2. My throat feels almost exactly how it did a week and a half ago.

Which means that even though I've finished my antibiotic, there's a chance it didn't get it all.  This is kind of scary.  I hate being sick, so that sucks.  And I really hate having to go back to the doctor's office.

But more importantly, I spent the night Sunday with my immune deficient friend Dorothy and stayed with her yesterday morning while she was getting her infusion.  This is not good.  I do not want to have exposed her.  Because her immune system is so compromised, even a cold can be bad.

I sent her a text kind of letting her know.  In about an hour, I'm going to have my mom give me a second opinion and then I'm just going to go from there.

Ugh ugh ugh.

I think this whole not sleeping thing is probably not great.  I am thrilled that I slept for six hours, but I really wish I could have slept longer.  I think it will get better when I get used to Trev being out of town; he's been gone a week and won't be back until the middle of next month.  So really, the sooner I get used to that, the better.

Also, I think cutting booze out again for a while might help.  I had a long island iced tea last night and I think that it might be part of the reason I slept for six hours.  But I also think it's the reason I didn't sleep longer.  Alcohol is funny when it mixes with me.  Most people sleep well when they drink.  It usually has the opposite effect in my case; I have a tendency towards sleeplessness when I drink.

Ah well.

And there you have it, early morning rambles.  I may update later depending on how the next few hours go.

~Meaghan

I Might Be a Bit Strange Today

But that is okay, my dear readers.  I have literally been drinking since 2 pm today.  So nearly five hours of wine and beer.

Why?

Because my little sister turned 21 today.

Ask me how this makes me feel.

Anyway.

It's been a pretty good day.  Lots of wine, lots of beer, lots of food and fun.  If this blog seems disjointed, we can safely say it's because I don't drink too often due to money and liver.  So tolerance is low.

I stayed over at my friend Dorothy's last night so I could help with her infusion today.  She has cable at the home she's at (she's living with another friend at this point, and it's a pretty great situation that's allowing her to heal) and so I got her hooked on that show I discovered via Netflix, Freakshow.

Can I just take a moment to express how awesome it was to get her into it?

We watched all of season 2 that's been shown so far.  We both love Asia, Morgue, and Creature.  It was really fun.  The best part was when Morgue drilled a screw into his nasal cavity.  I love watching that kind of stuff, so I was pretty engrossed.  From beside me on the couch, I heard Dorothy go "Oh Morgue, don't..." and when I looked over, she had her face in her hands.

It was hilarious; Dorothy is one of these people who isn't afraid of blood and needles and whatever else, but this freaked her out a bit.

I am pleased to report that her infusion went well this morning.  The friend she's staying with was out of town with family, so that's why I was asked to come over.  Dorothy has been doing a lot better lately.  The icky shadow of death has finally lifted.  While she's over her meningitis, it's changed her headaches so that they are now full spinal and she's been told that those won't ever go away, which sucks.

But over all, she's doing well and I am glad.

The sleep over was interesting.  I haven't been sleeping well since Trev's been out of town (which has only been a week - three more to go) and I really don't sleep well in unfamiliar places.  So I had the weather channel on and was watching stuff about tornadoes until 4 am.

The fun part about it was that there is a goldfish tank at the end of the couch where I was sleeping.  At 4 am, I discovered that I could lure all the goldfish to my corner of the tank with my foot.  It think it was the fact that I was wearing my atom socks and the neon green was luring them in.  It felt like I was hypnotizing the goldfish.

At that point, I decided I should try to sleep.

My sister, Katie, has had a pretty good day, drinking and hanging out with family.  Her fiance also came with her for the day.  (I'm still trying to come to terms with that, but it's for a different blog.)  Mom grilled and we had angel food cake.  I gave her a pair of socks I made her and some shooters, which she did while I was trying to take a nap.

(The sleep never came.  I am literally at this point running off booze, sugar, and about three and a half hours of sleep.)

Katie brought Rock Band over, so we played that for a bit.  Now she's just hanging out with her fiance and my parents, which is good.  I love my sister a ton.  She's one of my best friends and I feel so thankful to have her in my life.  We're going to be taking her to dinner shortly.

Speaking of which, I have just been informed that I need to get ready to go.

Have a really great night and a great rest of your holiday, my dear readers.  Until the next time.

~Meaghan

A Wild Blog Post Appears

Hey there, my dear readers.

I was going to put in an extra Pokemon joke about using something and it being highly effective, but I am too sleep deprived at the moment to do so.

I finally finished my semester.  I got major sick the week of finals.  I went in to see the doctor that Wed and had strep throat, an ear infection, and a fever of 102 degrees F.  I had to miss my stats final due to it and make it up last Monday.

And even with wanting to set the entire place on fire, even with all the whining and angst and awful professors, I somehow managed to pass everything.  My lowest grade was in Chemistry (big surprise there) and it was a C.

I know.

I was (and am) completely shocked.

But it's over and I'm on summer break now.  And when I go back, it's all English and Lit classes with a math class for educators.

I can't wait to become a teacher.  What better way to change the way things are?  Children are the future; it's time to teach them to think for themselves.  I'm excited to do that, one class of 8th graders at a time.

Trev is out of town.  I always forget how hard it is to adjust to him being gone.  The bed feels weird on his side.  I've actually put a ton of my stuff over there to fill the space.  And it's strange not having him here when I come home and what not.  It's just me and mom most nights, with dad home when he's not working.

To top it off, we've had an insane amount of weather around here.  There have been tornado warnings every day this week; at one point, five touched down by where my little sis goes to school.  She had to take cover.  Dad also had to take cover at one point this week at work.

So with Trev being out of town and the weather being so nuts, my sleep has become weird.  As I type this, it's nearly 1 am.  I'm normally, when Trev is home and everything is calm, asleep by 11 at the very latest.  And get this - I slept til 10 this morning.

(I guess that's technically yesterday morning...)

Everything is off.  Depression is making itself very well known again, which drives me crazy.  I didn't forget you, depression.  Nor did I forget your cousin, anxiety, who I am sure will be making a visit at some point again.

So what am I to do?

I've been watching a ridiculous amount of Netflix, actually.  I discovered this show on there I really like called FreakShow.  It follows this group of people who work at the Venice Beach FreakShow and it's amazing.  One of the guys on there deals with social anxiety, which I can totally relate to.  It's just awesome - everything has meaning and you get to see some seriously sick acts.

(I feel so ridiculous struggling to swallow pills after watching what they swallow...)

I watched the entire first season of the show (which is all Netflix has for now) in two days and have basically rewatched it since.

This is probably not good.

The other thing I did this week was make my own set of runes.

I have a set that I carry around in a knitted bag.  They are my first set that I got at the bookstore to learn about rune throwing and how everything works.  I love reading runes and it's pretty accurate, so I decided to make my own personalized set.

They are pretty cool.  I made them from clay and a paint pen.  I also got a wooden box to carry them in that I decorated.  The colors are, interestingly enough, our future wedding colors: emerald green and gold.

I really do like how they turned out.  And they are really good for my readings.  My goal is to get to a place where I'm spot on with my runes and can maybe turn them into something to do for profit.  We'll see.  I'm also developing an interest in tarot, but we'll have to see if I decide to go into it as well.  It could turn out that runes are enough.

For now, though, I love them and I love doing readings with them.  :)

Alright, my readers.  I am losing my ability to type well.  I think this means I need to try to sleep.

Be good to each other; I'll try to come back soon.

~Meaghan

So I Joined This Thing

Today is an interesting day.  My period from hell is here and so I skipped school to stay at home and rest.

I'm now going to use this resting at home with icky feels as a time to tell you guys about this thing I joined.

It's called Hogwarts is Here and it's found here.  It's neat.  It's this online, free thing based on the Harry Potter book series.

Basically, you can register for and take these online classes that are based on the stuff taught at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.  It's really neat.

I'm in Ravenclaw and I'm only taking two courses due to my muggle education.  (That's the deal; real college comes first, always.)  I'm in Herbology (which I'm pretty sure I just messed up the midterm for) and Defense Against the Dark Arts.

The classes are similar to the ones I'm paying to take at my university in that there are essays and tests.  I'm learning I actually should start taking notes for them.  Which I'll probably do over the summer.

What I really like is that you don't have to take courses to be a student.  You can just hang out if you want.  And when you take courses, it's basically on your own time.  Like, I can pick and choose how many I take.  This means it doesn't mess with real school and it gives me a way to keep my brain sharp during the summer.

Anyway, you guys should check it out.  I'm on there under Birdie Corvus and as I said before, I picked Ravenclaw.  I just started a dorm, so if you want to join a dorm in Ravenclaw, it's 20549. :)

And now, I'm off to lay down with Netflix.

~Meaghan

Oh Hey, It's May

And apparently it's been May for five days (in the U.S.) now.

Huh.

I only have seven more days of classes, and four of those are finals.  Oh.  And I might not have a final on one of those days.

So actually, I only have six more days of school.

Yayayayayayayay!!!!!!!

At my university, they make use do these teacher evaluations.  We had them at community college too, but there they were online and optional.  Here at the grown up school (they serve beer on campus, so this must be a big girl school) they pass them out in class and make us fill them out with pencil.

This is only my second semester here.  My reviews are usually pretty positive.  Like, I'll mention something that bugs me and follow it up with ideas for improvement and something nice to say about the teacher.  That sort of thing.

Not today.

Today I was pissed.

I wasn't even upset when I started my evaluation of the class and teacher.  Honest.  But by the time I finished, my handwriting was a wreck, my hands were shaking, and I was ready to hurt someone.  I was still fuming about it when my dad picked me up at the train station (we only have one car, so it works better that way) and when I got home to mom and fiance.

My chemistry class sucks.

I don't even know how to put a positive spin on this except that it was a learning experience and it made me really evaluate what I'm doing with my life.  Hence, my degree change.

The teacher is a researcher at heart and has so much trouble explaining everything.  The homework is due, but to date we have only gotten one homework assignment graded and handed back to us.  I stopped doing the homework because it doesn't matter apparently.  Oh, and the stuff covered by the homework isn't on the tests, so good luck there.

I studied for my test last Monday for an hour, because that is what I had.  I reviewed everything he told us would be important for this test.  And you know what?  Out of the entire test (which was essay, btw - I normally like essay, but for chemistry??), I think there was one question that was covered by what he told us to study.

I kind of let everyone have it on my review.

I told them it felt like a weed out class (where the curriculum is designed to make the students fail) even though it's a general requirement for all the science degrees at my university.  And then I basically told them to fuck themselves by saying it worked and that I had changed my degree because of it.

Ugh.

Writing this has me worked up again.  Damn.

Well, happy thought time.  Summer, pool, swimming every day, birthday, etc.

Alright, parents have shown up with food.  Time to eat dinner and get ready for another exciting day of things.

Goodnight, dear readers.  Goodnight.

~Meaghan