Waiting, Waiting, Waiting

Hey readers.

Remember me telling you about my friend Dorothy?  How she has to get blood transfusions and felt like there was a shadow over her?  Like she might die?

Well, she's in the hospital right now.

She has meningitis.  We won't know til later today if it's viral or bacterial, but I do know that it is very serious.

She has no immune system.  She is not allowed to have visitors because it's so contagious.  And her parents are coming up from Texas.

That last statement is enough to concern me.

The friend she's staying with is keeping me in the loop, as is Dorothy's husband.  (When he called yesterday, he didn't sound good.  I asked if he needed anything and the first thing he said was "more time".)

It is not lost on me that she entered the hospital the same weekend my grandmother did last year.  Grandma entered on a Friday and died on Easter Monday.  The anniversary is Tuesday, the 1st.

I am sad and afraid.

I do not want this to go bad.

I want her to heal and get better.

Dorothy is one of my best friends.  She introduced me to my fiance, she has always had my back, she's always been a sounding board, she's always helped my family.  Need a ride to the hospital?  Got it.  Need a shoulder to cry on?  Got it.  And so on.

Fucking spring.  I thought I could survive you.  Why this?

So good energy, prayers, and whatever healing vibes you can spare would be appreciated it.  For all of us.

Thank you, readers.

~Meaghan

Expanding My Horizons

So today, my mom and I got this crazy hair to buy Viking runes.

Some quick background:

I was raised Christian and still live in a pretty Christian household, all things considered.  A few years ago, I got curious about other things and tapped into my friend Dorothy, who is a self proclaimed "alter crossing Wiccan" who practices "Dorothy-ism".  She gave me a set of Goddess cards that I carry with me everywhere and adore and is kind of my go to guide for all things Pagan and Wiccan.

My curiosity and wonder just keeps growing.

(Maybe this seems strange to you.  If this sort of thing bugs you, this is your chance to leave.)

And I'm still learning, daily.  Like, I've only just now realized that there are many Gods and Goddesses up in the pantheon and that the myths are all based in belief.

I'm a slow learner sometimes.

Anyway, back to the story.

So I've been building a basic alter in my room, putting in candles and things that I think fit right.  I'm not sure who it's for, but it's a start.  I am also in the process of learning about my herbs and how to make remedies, which are all part of it.  Started a dream journal this week because I dreamed a red-headed Norse god told me to, and every dream this week has had some form of Gods or Goddesses in them.

I've also developed a deep curiosity for runes and decided I wanted a set.

I brought it up at breakfast while mom and I were out; she's pretty cool about being open minded, all things considered.

"Oh yeah," she said.  "I used to read those.  They told me I was having you and your sister.  I don't know what happened to mine, though.  Maybe I should get a new set, too."

And thus, we packed up and went to the local bookstore (not where you normally would think to go for this but it seemed like a good idea) to see what they had.  I said a little prayer to myself before we went, just telling whoever is watching over me that if this was supposed to happen, let it happen.

It was supposed to happen.

We walked in and greeting us in the outer lobby of the store were shelves of Viking mythology, Celtic mythology, and various other things on Gods and Goddesses and fate.

Oh, and there were rune kits, with books and stones included.

And did I mention that I had almost exactly enough to purchase my copy?  I think I have like fifty cents left over.

(Mom also bought a set.  Mind blown, in a good way.)

There's a lot of energy in them.  Just carrying the box around with me made my palms tingle and get hot.

So, they are in the bag now, sitting on my bed, waiting for me to figure out what to do with them.

(I don't really like the bag they came with, so I'm going to either make a new bag or buy a new bag. We'll see which.)

I'm excited.

On top of that, my mom and I had a really nice time out.  I'm on spring break still, so it's been nice procrastinating on stuff and spending time with my mom.  She has cataracts and can't see well enough to drive, so I've been taking her out and stuff this week.

I would say today was a very good day. :)

~Meaghan

No Snow!

It's Tuesday, it's spring break, and there is no snow.  I think I'm a pretty happy girl, to be honest.

I really haven't been doing a whole lot recently, so it's a little hard to blog because there is so little to report.

My friend had her transfusions yesterday and is doing well.  The feeling of death we both had been feeling a few weeks ago has passed; she believes (and I agree) that it was actually fortelling the breaking of her current marriage.  Which is sad, but I know she'll be okay.

A friend and I went out last night for dinner.  I had my first drink since July (suck it, liver disease) and it was great.  The conversation and catch up was nice, since we both are crazy busy, and the food was pretty good too.

All in all, I think this break is going well.

I'm pretty happy is relax time.

Enjoy your Tuesday, my dear readers. :)

~Meaghan

St. Brigid Update

Hey again, readers!

(How about this, you get a second blog post in the same day! It's like I didn't miss yesterday at all!)

(That was a lot of exclamations.  My bad.)

So here it is, the St. Brigid update that I've been promising for ages.  Really, it was because I've been having trouble getting good pictures of it.  And I still feel like these pictures are kind of bad, because they were taken with my phone camera.

(Every time I use flash, it makes the stitches blanch out in a sea of green, so I have been taking them in the dark.  And they're kind of fuzzy.  Bear with me, please.)

A little pale, but those cables are so beautiful.  So worth the effort.

She's coming along pretty well over all.  I'm halfway through the second repeat of the pattern.  I need to repeat it ten times total for the back, so this is slow but sure progress.

This picture shows the true color better.

Cables drive me nuts but are so beautiful that it's worth it.

It's definitely not a sweater I can work on when watching TV.  Like, all my concentration goes into it.  But I love how it's turning out.  I took it up a needle size because I am a pretty big gal.  So far, I'm still on my first ball of yarn, but that will probably change soon.

The yarn is Cascade 22 in Hunter Green, a color I have been drawn to for ages.  

Interesting story about the yarn, actually.

So, a few years ago, I went to a yarn store with my friend Kristine for the first time.  I didn't have any projects in mind, but I wanted some of this Cascade stuff because it was so nice feeling and looking.  So I bought three skeins of it - one pink, one purple, and one green.

Fast forward to when I was ordering the yarn for St. Brigid back in January.  I found this green online and absolutely loved it.  So I bought it.

When it came in, I took it back to my yarn stash, thinking it looked familiar.  So on a whim, I compared it to the green I had bought back at the yarn store in 2010 or so.  

It's the exact same color.

If that isn't destiny telling me that I am supposed to knit this sweater in this green, then I don't know what is.

(And yeah, I hold on to stash yarn for long periods of time.  Doesn't everybody?)

Alright, so there's the Brigid update.

Off to do more rows.

Busy, Busy, Busy

Hey readers!

I really am trying to update daily again.  Honestly, I am. Yesterday got crazy busy, though, so you may have noticed that there was no post for it.

Fiance and I were helping a friend of ours move, the same friend who is getting her first round of blood transfusions done today.  We made so many trips yesterday and it took most of the day.  Very exhausting.  And emotionally exhausting too, because that's what happens when you spend upwards of six hours with someone.

I am very happy to report that she is settled in her new place.  It's the basement of a friend's house, but it's a good basement and a good friend and really, a good place to start new.  She is in much better spirits about the treatment and we are all hopeful that she won't die, but rather heal.

Today I am having lunch with my sister when she gets her school lunch break.  I miss her so much, it's not even funny.  I thought I would feel better about her moving out than I do.  The thing about sisters is that they kind of are like best friends - you can tell them anything, go on adventures, gossip, etc.

We weren't really close as kids.  There's a three year age gap, which isn't a problem now, but I think up until we were like 14 and 11, it was present.  I'm the oldest and I was always trying to do my own thing and yeah.  But moving changed everything and over the past probably ten years we've become really close.

So I'm pretty excited to go have lunch with her today. :)

Then tonight, one of my friends and I are going out for Mexican food.  It'll be nice to have some time to catch up and not worry about things and have a nice drink for the first time since July (thanks, liver!) because I can.  Sangritas and enchiladas, here I come.  And catching up is going to rock too, since both of us have been crazy busy since Christmas.

I've been learning some cool stuff recently too, about mythology and the pantheon of Gods and Goddesses and whatnot, but I'm not quite ready to share that yet.  Be prepared, though, because that might be a blog in the near future.

And now, I'm going to knit a bit and have a V8, because I am totally addicted to those right now.

Happy Monday, readers!

~Meaghan

How About Hugs?

Hey there, readers.

So yesterday, the Meaghan Hulk got out a bit and we had that fun and somewhat serious post about people and things I want to punch in the face. (Can I just mention that my fiance was - and still is - horrified that I want to punch Owen Wilson?  I regret nothing.)

As I was falling asleep last night, I was thinking (because that's when all the good thoughts come, you know) about how maybe I should write a list post of all the people and things I want to hug instead.  As contrast.  Might not be as funny, but it would balance out the Karma scales a bit.  Yeah?

(And really, Cancer is mostly predominant with me, so hugging is more of a natural response.  Actually, burying my head in the sand and waiting for the danger to pass is the most natural response for me, but I don't think you want to see my tush in the air.  Ahem.  That got off track fast.)

So here it is.  Also, lets assume these are people outside the real of normal hugging people - like, I would hug my friends and family all the time, so they aren't on here because it's a given.

Ahem.

Birdgirl90's List of People and Things She Wants to Hug:

~Everyone on the punch list (because hugs between punching would be hysterical and meaningful)

~Tom Hiddleston (because damn, no explanation needed)

~Loki (because he's like seriously misunderstood and has adoption issues and his mom is dead and he could seriously use a good hug)

~David Bowie

~Studio Ghibli (my life would not be complete without Howl's Moving Castle, Spirited Away, or Kiki's Delivery Service, to name a few)

~Diana Wynne Jones

~Neil Gaiman

~Yu-Gi-Oh! the anime (because it gave me something to hold onto when I was a teenager)

~Yu-Gi-Oh! the Abridged Series

~Tumblr (because it's so fun and awesome)

~Wes Anderson (because he makes good movies even if I sometimes feel too dumb to understand them)

~Jonathan Larson (because RENT is my favorite musical and it's so meaningful and his life was cut so short)

~The cast of RENT

~Bill Murray

~The person who created bagels

~Bagels

~Coffee

~Chocolate

~P!nk  (because girl power and rock abilities and the fact that her music is so powerful)

~Pandora Radio (for making train rides less lonely and tedious when I'm having a bad day)

~Passenger (because they write great music but all the music is sad, so they must need a hug)

~Coldplay (for writing my favorite song of all time, Clocks)

~The Beatles (I listened to them nonstop when I was 13)

~Adrien Brody

~Gene Rodenberry (Star Trek for the win)

~Zachary Quinto

~Zoe Saldana

~Jim Henson (because muppets and childhood and Kermit)

~The Yarn Harlot (for making knitting cool and being totally relatable in her blog and books)

~Whoever made this video (I still feel like comic book Thor and He-Man are one and the same)

~Neil Cicierega (for Lemon Demon and Potter Puppet Pals and everything else he's done)

~Severus Snape

~Alan Rickman (because)

~Gary Oldman (who I never know is Gary Oldman until the credits)

~Christian Bale (Batman to the max)

~Batman (another guy with parent issues who really needs a hug)

~Chocolate brownies from the oven

~Whoever created cake/cookie/hot dessert in a mug from the microwave

~Neil DeGrasse Tyson (who inspires me to continue in my field)

~All the Women in Science (it's a long list, including but not limited to Marie Curie, Sally Ride, and all the rest)

~Gloria Steinem (because I need feminism)

~Macklemore (because he's Macklemore)

~People who don't throw Frozen in my face

~The Disney Studios animation department (look at Beauty and the Beast, Pocahontas, and the Hunchback of Notre Dame and tell me the animation isn't gorgeous)

~Disney in general (because childhood and meaning and happy endings that the real world doesn't always offer)

~Martha Stewart

~Marion Bradley Zimmer (because the Mists of Avalon will always resonate with me)

~J.R.R. Tolkien

~Stephen Spielberg

~Vivaldi (I'm a classical violinist, he's a given)

~Mozart (gotta love his stuff)

~Tchaikovsky

~Fanfiction (for giving me a happy place when I'm upset)

~Yarn stores (if you have never been inside one, you are missing out)

~Sheep (cause I can)

~The person who discovered knitting

~Knitting (goodbye stress)

~This blog

~Everyone who reads this blog


So there it is.  Probably not as funny as the first, but it all can't be hilarious entertainment.

Have a hug, my reader.

~Meaghan

A List of People (and Things) I Want to Punch in the Face

Hey there, dear readers.

So normally I'm not a horribly violent person.  I've never actually physically hurt anyone (I'm hoping I haven't hurt anyone emotionally, but I'm human, so that's probably impossible) but sometimes I think about it.  And I think about it hard.

Also, I'm a Cancer sun (the main portion of my horoscope) with an Aries moon (where the moon was passing when I was born).  Cancer = water, compassion, and emotions, usually caring.  Aries = god of war, rage, fire, anger.

No wonder every Avengers quiz I take lands me as the Hulk.  Good lord.  Do you see my conflict?

So obviously the best way to let this out right now is to create a list of everything I want to punch in the face. Let's consider it a win-win.  I get my ideas out before I can act on them, and you get a (hopefully) entertaining blog post.

Ahem.

Birdgirl90's List of People and Things She Wants to Punch in the Face:

~The people in Chemistry who always disrupt class

~The girl who was rude to my Statistics professor

~The guy who sits behind me in Chemistry and sighs all the damn time (like, every single class, constantly)

~Owen Wilson (I have my reasons, don't question)

~Anyone who cracks a rape joke (they also get punched in the dick or vagina a few times)

~Anyone who spreads rape culture (again, also in the dick or vagina a few times)

~Robin Thicke (can we please just launch him into the sun or something?)

~Anyone who's anthem is Blurred Lines (rape culture pisses me off to no end)

~The people who intimidate women (and men) going to Planned Parenthood

~The War on Women

~Anyone associated with the War on Women

~James Holmes (I am still nervous about going to theaters, asshole, and I was in one 40 minutes away)

~People who dismiss mental illness, like depression and anxiety, as nothing

~The entirety of Bioware (this is for my fiance and his disgust with how Mass Effect ended)

~Kids who are rude to their parents

~The creepy old guys who would just take samples off my table when I was working as a sample person

~Creepy old guys in general

~Body shaming

~Slut shaming

~Homework on weekends

~People who don't pick up their dog's crap

~Whoever decides to raise rent unreasonably high in our apartment section

~The person who created cookie butter (because it's delicious and addictive, and seriously, I do not need another delicious addictive food in my life)

~PETA (I get that you want animals to have rights, but lets fix the people rights first, okay)

~Congress

~Insurance

~Simon Cowell (again, I have my reasons)

~George Lucas and co (for destroying the Star Wars prequels)

~A handful of my in works knitting projects, like the Doctor Who scarf

~The Westboro Baptist Church

~George R.R. Martin (for killing some of my favorite characters off - I'm looking at you, Red Wedding)

~Prince Joffery (before he died)

~Walder Frey

~Janos Slynt

~Too many other GOT characters to name

~J.K. Rowling (because you can't create a canon and then publicly say that you don't think the characters are right - Ron and Hermione are really good together)

~J.K. Rowling a second time (because that epilogue was atrocious)

~Dolores Umbridge

~The Death Eater who killed Fred Weasley

~Lucious Malfoy

~Adam Sandler (I will never be able to wash enough to feel clean from some of those movies)

~Whoever decided it was a good idea to do Batman vs Superman

~Also, whoever cast Ben Affleck as Batman in the above

~And really, Ben Affleck as well

~The Academy (for never letting Leonardo DiCaprio get an award)

~Grima Wormtongue

~The film adaptations of Harry Potter

~The guy who played Lupin in the film adaptations of Harry Potter (lose the 70's pornstache, dude)

~Agent Coulson for letting us believe he was dead (I cried and then I googled it - jerk)

~J.J. Abrams (for getting Star Wars and possibly leaving us Trek fans without another movie for an indefinitely long period of time)

~People who say I have enough ink pens or yarn

~Clothing designers

~Anyone who tries to change me

~Anyone who hurts those I care about

~William Goulding (the Lord of the Flies broke my heart)

~John Steinbeck (I still haven't gotten over Of Mice and Men, and it's been over five years)

~Stephanie Meyer (I own all the Twilight books from high school when I didn't know better, but I hate, hate, HATE that she shows an abusive relationship as being healthy)


And I think that is a pretty good list, for now.  I can feel the frustration leaving as I return from Hulk form.  (Or, as my fiance calls me when I get like this, "MeaghanKhan".)  Maybe I should do this again some time.

Until the next...

~Meaghan

Spring Break!!

It's here, it's here!

I am crazy happy that spring break has finally made it.  And the weather today is beautiful and warm and breezy and exactly what I want from a day of spring.

Which, interestingly enough, today is the first day of spring.  At least, it is if you're in the U.S.  If you're on the other side of the date line, this happened for you yesterday.

(We're learning about date lines and all sorts of stuff in my maps class.  It's causing me to think about how the time zones and international date line and all that fun stuff makes time so irrelevant in a way. )

So, I've been watching this really awesome show.  It's called Cosmos and is based on the original show by Carl Sagan.  The current one is hosted by Neil DeGrasse Tyson, and it's brilliant.  I love it.  And if you haven't seen it, I seriously encourage you to check it out, my dear readers.  It is worth the hour or two of your time.

This is why I do science.  This reminds me of that.

(And kind of makes me wish I was going into Astro Physics instead of Environmental Science.  I am connected to the earth, but my love of space exploration will always be present.  Seriously, I still have the telescope I got when I was in second grade.  The stars will always have a piece of my heart.)

Ah, it feels so good to not be stressed out right now.

This is the first day this week that I haven't felt the overwhelming sadness of late.  It's the first day that the sad sad music isn't the only thing that makes sense, that fanfiction is more fun than obsessive, that I laughed more than anything else.  I felt so good I was even able to knit on the train ride home.

This is good.  This is progress.  This is the sadness backing off and me enjoying the sun again.  I can not express how wonderful that feels.

Still feeling odd feelings about things, though.  Like about getting married next year and stuff.  But I think that goes with the fact that I am so young.  I have been told it's normal, and I'm okay with this.  And I think some of it might be the sadness talking as well.  So I really need to stop listening to it.

Plans for break?

Muppet movie, homework, kicking back, maybe going for drinks (not drunk - wallet and liver can't handle that), and maybe bowling.  Laying low, mostly.

And now, off to relax with some Poptarts. =D

~Meaghan

Soon, Spring Break

Honestly, it's not like I'm even doing anything exciting for spring break.  I'm not going anywhere exotic, or at all.  I'm not getting drunk, I'm not partying it up, I'm not headed for Key West.  It sounds crazy boring, right?

Wrong.

Do you have any idea how nice it's going to be to actually get to sleep past seven in the morning and to not have to drag my tush to the train station, ride the train forty minutes to school, and then sit through classes that hardly make sense to me at this point????

Alright, that sounds kind of bad.  I don't hate school.  I don't.  It's just, as I've mentioned before on here, this semester is kicking my ass into the ground.  I am worn down and need a break.

And riding the train is kind of fun.  It goes fast and it gives me a sense of responsibility, as I have to make sure I catch it at the right times and get off at the right stops.  I've learned how to nap while still keeping track of train stops.  If that isn't something awesome, then I don't know what is.

When I was in community college, working on my writing degree, school was really easy for me.  This feels like a bit of a dirty confession, typing that.  But it was.  It was crazy easy for me.  Writing is in my blood.  It's one of the few things in life that comes naturally to me.  I was able to do rough drafts of poems and creative non-fiction essays then day before I had to have them ready for peer review and they would seemingly write themselves.  And while some of them were crap, most of them were somewhat good.

Science is a whole other ball game.  It's like being on Vulcan.  Half of the stuff doesn't make sense to me, and I am literally crawling through these classes as if I'm in a pit and my finger nails are the only thing holding me up.  The only class I have an A in right now is my music class, and that is because I'm musically inclined.

Why am I doing this to myself?  Why am I taking classes that make me feel so dumb?

Because when it works, it works beautifully.  And that satisfaction, I'm learning, is a huge pay off.

And because continuing an English path does not appeal to me.  I don't want to necessarily write stories for a living, though writing on the side is good.  I don't really want to teach about nuances and deeper meanings and the structure of a sentence to high school kids.

I did the writing because it was fun and I enjoyed it.

I'm doing science because it's my calling.

I need to be outside.  I need to be in the open air and in the trees.  I can't be cooped up.  I get so depressed when I lose my connection with nature.

That is why.

And damn, spring break is going to be well earned.

So, what's the check list to get done between now and then?

~Stats homework
~Chem homework
~Another paper in music
~Reading in all my classes

Today is Wed.  I'm updating this from school.  That means that when I get home today after Chemistry, I should be able to sit down and work on stuff.  So I can do this.  I can do this.

My friend is starting blood transfusions on Monday.  She's moving this weekend.  I think Trev and I are going to try to help her finish up.  I am still pretty worried about what could happen, but I can't dwell.  I have to trust that she's going to be okay, that this is going to be okay.

I'm back to writing with a passion and fury.  Blogging daily again is helping.  Plus, I have a few notebooks with me.  I forgot how much I need to release the stuff in my head.  It gets awfully full in there.

Alright, time to get lunch and head to class.

Spring break soon.  Spring break soon.

~Meaghan

In the Defense of Fanfiction

Alright, loves, here it is.

I think I might get some heat for this post, but it needs to be written.  I don't want to turn this into a debate or anything else.  Please, don't flame me.

I enjoy fanfiction.  I think it can be wonderful when done well, and down right atrocious when done poorly.  It can make you feel, it can make you laugh, and it can make you think.  It's done out of love for the characters, the fandom, the universe the original author or director created.

I actually used to write fanfiction.  And if I had more time, I would probably write more.  As it is, if you google Birdgirl90, a lot of my old (and not very good) stuff comes us.  My writing has definitely improved over the years.

This is why I want to address it in a blog post.

Fanfiction is good, and here is a list of five reasons why:

1. It offers the reader escape with familiarity.

You can say this about almost any kind of writing and reading material.  But fanfiction is special.  The readers are already familiar with the characters and the universe in which they live.  They know them.  I speak from experience here.  When I am in a funk (like the last few days), I want something familiar.  I don't necessarily want to get to know new stories, new characters, and new settings.  I sometimes just want a short story with characters I love.
 
Fanfiction offers me that.  I can have my familiar characters in stories that range from cute to serious, and I can ignore the real world for a while.  So even if following the adventures of Kirk's crew on the Enterprise and their interactions with each other or witnessing Loki falling in love with Jane's assistant Darcy isn't considered fine literature, it is soothing and it gives me something to look forward to during stressful times.  And I'm not alone in this.

2. It's good (fun) writing practice.

Before I got my writing degree and had to focus on writing what was required to graduate, I wrote fanfiction.  I think a lot of people look down on those of us who write fanfics because we aren't necessarily creating any new characters or new places.  But that's where they are wrong.  It takes a serious amount of energy to create brand new things and sometimes at the end of a busy day, you don't have it in you to write the next great American novel.

Writing fanfiction gives you practice in character exploration, in setting, and in exposition.  You take a character that you adore and you learn more about them.  You put them in situations that you think would be interesting.  You make them talk to people that you think would be interesting.  As long as you stay true to the character, it's really a great exercise.  And it helps you work on things you have trouble with - such as finding a voice, sketching out dialogue, and that sort of thing.

Which leads me to...

3. It's good for seeing improvements in your writing.

I can look at my old fanfics, online and on my computer, and I can see how my writing has improved.  Granted, you can do this with any bit of writing you do over time.  And I do.  But fanfiction is cool because there is a huge community online, reading what you write, and giving you feedback, most of which is positive criticism and praise.

Feedback is important with any bit of writing.  And if you can handle internet feedback, then you can handle professional feedback.  Use it and improve.

4. Some of it is really good.

All fanfiction strives for a common goal: to love characters and explore them while paying back (even if it's subconciously) homage to the original art form.

But some fanfiction goes above and beyond.  They fill in cracks where the author/producer/script writer left the fandom hanging.  They explore backstory and future story and what ifs.  They explore pairings established in the genre, and they create pairings that aren't.  They are intelligent, witty, and fun.  These are the kind that I tend to go back to, time after time.  They amaze me and I will always enjoy them.

And finally....

5. They get people writing.

Have you ever just stopped and thought about how hard it is to get started writing?  Or maybe you write - do you remember the trouble you had when you were first starting off?

Fanfics get people who wouldn't normally write interested in writing.  It gets people who have untapped talent and skill writing.  It shows that writing can be fun, that it can have power, that it doesn't have to be a chore.  A drabble in fanfiction is sometimes the most beautiful thing in the world.

And this is why the hate on fanfiction needs to go.  Fanfiction is one of the greatest exploits that I think fandoms can do.  The people who write it aren't any less intelligent or well read because they do, and the people who read it aren't either.  These are notions that have to go.

So to end this jolly post, I'm going to link a few of my favorite fics over the years.  I do not own these, I do not pretend to have written them.  They are authors I admire and enjoy, and their stories resonate with me.  They also happen to be the fics that I go back to when I need to escape my life for a bit.

Harry Potter:

A Keen Observer by DeepDownSlytherin

This is one of my favorite Harry Potter fanfics.  DeepDownSlytherin explores the Black sisters through the eyes of Andromeda Black (Tonks).  It's funny and clever and incredibly well done.  I think you will like it.

Seven Photographs by Casira

This is a really nice fic that focuses on what the afterlife is like for seven characters who died in the Harry Potter series.  Casira does a really good job at painting each, and it's a wonderful read.

Star Trek:

How to Get the Vulcan You Want in Six Easy Steps by Outtabreath

This one is fun.  It explores Uhura's time at the Academy before the Enterprise and gives us an awesome cannon for Gaila, her Orion room mate.  Outtabreath is a great author and I adore everything she's written for the fandom.

The Kissing Disease by Bethrimiel

Another Academy story, because those are my personal favorites.  In this one, Uhura has mono.  Trust me, it's a good read.

Thor:

These Streets Will Never Look the Same by Amidtheflowers

So, this is a collection of well done drabbles about Loki and Darcy.  Honestly, it wasn't a pairing I thought of before, but I really like it.  It's intelligent and fun and well done over all.  Amidtheflowers is like the gateway drug to the world of this shipping.  Be warned, there is some explicit material in it.

Run Softly, For I Speak Not Loud or Long by Allecto and Blackbird

Another nice Loki/Darcy piece.  This one is more serious in nature than the above and has some explicit material in it, but it is so beautifully done.  Another one that I've been re-reading in this last bout of sadness.

So there you have it, dear readers.  A very in depth blog as to why fanfiction is important and some starter fics.

Until the next post.

~Meaghan

The Post Electric

So hi again, my dear sweet readers.

I had a total meltdown yesterday over basically nothing and I've been sad over the past few days, but today seems to be looking up.

For one, I actually feel like I understand what we're covering in my statistics class.  This is good.  I got a C on the first test; I think I can redeem myself on this next test.  I asked my professor what the best way to study for the test is and he confirmed what I was leaning towards: work the problems.  Work them over and over and over again until I can basically do them in my sleep.

So hopefully this will work and I'll pass this class higher than a C.

Still lost in maps use.  I have so much trouble measuring a straight line.  This is probably not good.  Granted, it makes my numbers off in the class, but what if this was real life?  I would be so lost in the middle of nowhere.

Who am I kidding?  I'm always lost in the middle of nowhere, even if that nowhere is my mind.

Wow, that was cryptic.  My bad.

My mom, after witnessing my meltdown, said I needed to do something about it.  As she told me yesterday, I should start writing down things about myself, journal about myself and who I am - what I like about myself, what I don't like about myself, etc.

 It seems so juvenile, doesn't it?  I'm nearly 24, and my mom still has to give me advice on exploring who I am because I don't spend enough time on myself, apparently.  And she said that if I don't somehow pull myself out of this, then I'm going to have to call my therapist again.

(Yes, loves.  I have a therapist.  I saw her over the summer when the shit got real, and I have her number in my phone.  There is nothing wrong with admitting that you can't do something yourself and that you need help.  It's a very good thing to get help, to acknowledge that you are struggling, and to let someone hear you and bounce ideas to you.)

So, that makes me wonder.  Isn't that the point of this blog?  Maybe I'm using it wrong.  I have always thought of blogging as a place to dump my thoughts out of my head and into a void where someone may or may not read them and may or may not benefit from them.

(Also, you are always welcome and free to comment.  Feedback is always good.  I notice I get a fair number of hits but few comments.  Please, feel free to engage me. :) )

I keep a paper bound journal for the heavy stuff that I don't feel I can share on here.  And because writing on paper clears my soul almost more than a computer can.  However, I can type a lot faster than I can write in cursive on a page.  Hmm.

So yes, let's use this as a dumping place.  As an exploring place.  And you, my lovely readers, are going to possibly get sick of me.  But this is the best I've got and frankly, I've been pretty on the edge lately.

Where should we start?

As I said earlier, I did have a better day today.  I got caught in a bit of a snowstorm at school while walking from one building to another.  Community college spoiled me.  All the classes were in one building.  My current campus is huge and so much walking.  Which is great.

Trev brought me a hat at my request when he showed up on campus, and he had lunch with myself and a really good friend of mine.  I'm always happy when my fiance gets along with my friends. :)

I think the only part of today that wasn't super great (besides the snow) was the fact that I dropped my water bottle just right and it shattered.  I have a really nice bottle that I carry.  It's one of these, in the purple color shown in the picture.  I love purple and I hate unfiltered water, and frankly, it's the only way I'll drink water when at school.  I get so much use out of it.

And I dropped it.  And it hit just right.  And the entire top shattered.

Add this to yesterday when my backpack zipper broke, and I'm beginning to think the universe is possibly against me.  Or telling me to slow down and relax.

(Trev is always trying to tell me that everything is not a sign, that sometimes a broken thing is just a broken thing.  But seriously.  I went to school and got a creative writing degree.  For three years of my life, they pounded into my head that everything has a deeper meaning and sign.  That doesn't get broken overnight.  And yes, it did take me a long time to be able to read a book and just enjoy it.)

Anyway.

All day today I've been talking in my head in a British accent.  Not sure why, except that I've been reading an absurd amount of Loki/Darcy fanfiction and when I do, all I can hear is Tom Hiddleston's voice in my ear.

Next post is going to be entirely about fanfiction.  Because I honestly think it gets slammed way more than it should.

Alright, this post is long enough.

And I feel like it was pretty disjointed.  My bad.

I'll write another post shortly.

~Meaghan

Dreaming of May

I might have been a little harsh yesterday when I said that I hate spring.

It's not all of spring.  It's most of spring.

Spring in Colorado is weird, firstly.  It snows up until Mother's Day, and sometimes beyond.  You have these days that are cold and grey and slushy and snowy, but then the next day is sunny and warm and breezy (but not like today where the winds were like hurricane force and blowing grit into EVERYTHING and I do mean everything) and the flowers are blooming.

Only for it snow again.  And then you wind up with daffodils sticking up hopefully in like four inches of snow.

Seriously, how do things not die out here?  I've been here since 2005, at age 15, and I still don't understand how the spring stuff doesn't die.

But May is actually a really hopeful time for me.  I've been pretty wrapped up in sad recently (and yes, I do suffer from that SAD too - the seasonal crap that makes everything hurt, though this sad has been different, and I just realized I'm totally rambling my sentences) that I kind of slammed everything together.

It happens.

May is when the snow finally finishes up.  Usually.  May is when my anniversary with the most wonderful man on the planet is, and May will soon be when our wedding will take place.  (Next year, and it somehow simultaneously wonders, amazes, delights, and terrifies me.)  

May is my sister's birthday and a good reminder that she didn't die last year but got help for her suicide attempt.  I am very pleased to report that while she has left our home to live with her fiance, she is doing incredibly well.  She just started school to become a massage specialist to help people heal.

May is when school gets out and when I can then decompress for three glorious months of pool time and sleeping in and not writing papers about statistics or science experiments that didn't work the way they should.  And trust me, I need that.  I am so beat down right now, it's not even funny.  I consider not leaving in the middle of my chemistry class today to be a success.

So maybe I was a little harsh on spring. 

I came to the conclusion today during some free time that spring is really not what any of us think it should be.  The stores will have you believing that spring is this beautiful, soft time of pastels and chicks and rabbits and happiness.

It's not.

Spring is the labor that pushes the year into bloom.  It is hard work growing things.  It is hard work surviving.  There are storms everywhere and slush and grey but also little green sprouts and the hope of flowers.

I think I am finally learning that if I can get through the pain, the hard work, and survive the storms, I will be okay.

So I'm going to be here, having sad days mixed with my good days, dreaming of May.

~Meaghan

Fucking Sad

Intuition is a very powerful thing, my dear sweet readers.

I know most of you have felt some sort of intuition in your life.  Or call it premonition.  What is it?  It's when you know something so true in your bones that you can't shake it.  Evidence doesn't back it.  Call it a gut feeling.

A friend of mine has been going through a very hard time.  She's such a strong woman and I admire her so much.  She took in her son's friend and his sister when their home became abusive.  She has always been there to give me support and a shoulder.  She is a chemistry major and has been through abusive relationships and cares for a husband with fibromyalgia (and I don't care that this is spelled wrong).

She introduced me to my fiance three years ago.  She has taught me things I never knew.  She is my friend.  She is one of the few people I stay in touch with consistently.  She is so important to me.

She was recently diagnose with an immune disorder.  She's losing the kids.  Her husband is in his own place.  Her son is with the ex husband.  She's been forced to drop out of school and in a few weeks is moving in with another friend.

Soon she'll be getting blood transfusions.

So far, this all seems hopeful.  These are good things.

A few months ago, I kept having dreams that she died.  Or that something was off.  And I asked her about it.  She laughed.

 "There is no dying in my world."

But yesterday, my fiance and I visited with her.  And in the quiet of a cigarette break, she confided something to me.

"I can't shake this feeling that this home" - we were on the balcony and she gestured to the apartment behind us- "is going to be my last."  She looked me in the eye.  "I don't think I'm going to survive the blood transfusions."

It wasn't despairing or overdramatic.  That's not her style.  I wanted so badly to be surprised.

But I've been feeling the same thing.  And I hate it.

"If it happens, I want people to get drunk and dance.  Someone needs to dance on the bar."

I don't want this to happen.  I don't.  I don't want to think this is going to happen.

And maybe she's wrong.  Maybe it's just a transition.  Maybe it's just a new start.

She has a history of blood clots and all sorts of other problems.

I am so fucking sad.

If she dies (I hate that word), she's promised to haunt me.  And if it does come to pass in the next few weeks, at least I know.  At least I am prepared.  Which is part of why she told me.

The anniversary of my grandma's death is approaching.  Spring is when I seem to lose or nearly lose people I care about.  May is when things get better.

I fucking hate spring.

I fucking hate this.