Change in Plans

So, this was supposed to be a totally awesome week.

It started off well.  Pool time and work and VBS training for next week.  Then boyfriend and I were supposed to go to our mutual friend's house to help her out after she has nose surgery on Wed.  The plan was to hang out for a few days, helping wherever needed, enjoying company and whatnot.

Tuesday night, something awful happened.

I threw up.

I thought maybe I just hadn't had enough water.  That's happened with me before.  And this 5K training makes me drink more than I usually do.  I hoped that maybe I'd just throw up the once and be fine.

Nope.

I began at 9pm and by 2am, I was still throwing up.

I couldn't even keep water down.

So we packed up the car and went to the ER.  The ER is one of those places I keep telling myself I'm going to stop going to.  It's been over two years since I was sick enough to go to one, but still.

I'd really rather not be there.

We were there from 2:30 am til 6 am Wed morning.  They gave me anti-nausea meds and an IV, then sent me on my way with a prescription for more meds and the order to sleep and go easy on foods and liquids.

Stupid stomach bug.

So boyfriend went to our friend's house to help her while I've been at home recovering.

(I never want to throw up ever, ever again.)

The anti-vomiting pills are awesome.  I've been keeping stuff down alright and tonight I was able to eat an actual meal for the first time in like two days.

So yeah.

Stuff's going around, peeps.  Watch yourselves.

~Meaghan

How I Come Up With a Post

I usually come up with ideas to write/blog about while I'm in the shower.

Or getting dressed.

Between lathering shampoo and brushing my teeth, something I've been thinking about for a while hits me again.  But this time, I start an inner monologue, very similar to J.D.'s from Scrubs.

I tear the idea apart and figure out why I feel the way I do, where to go from that idea, and what kind of wording I want.  Most of the time, it's pretty awesome, actually.

Sometimes, the same thing happens while I'm doing the dishes.  It's amazing how finding a rhythm in doing something you've done a million or more times makes ideas known to you.

So where are these amazing blog posts?

Well, sometimes I do manage to get them to my PC.

But the truth is, I leave the bathroom or leave the kitchen, someone asks me a question, and it all runs out my ears like lake water.

I'm thinking I need to start carrying a notebook with me to the bathroom.

~Meaghan

Restless

I'm so used to going all the time that it's always weird to have a day at home to do nothing.

I repeat: do nothing.

Today is one of those days.  I'm hot and don't want to do a whole lot and I've been home most of the day, reading.

Which is good, except I am seriously restless.

Maybe it's because every county around us is having thunderstorms and tornados and we only have sunshine.

Maybe it's because I've been laying on the couch for the past two hours.

Or maybe it's just me, needing to be doing something.

Ah restless.  One day I'll figure out how to turn you into productivity.

~Meaghan

Watching and Waiting

There has been a huge wildfire here in Colorado.

We've been watching, waiting.  Until this afternoon, it was out of control.  As I write this, they have gotten it to 5% containment.

The fire is about an hour south of us.  But at the rate it was growing, we had some concerns about possibly being evacuated if they didn't get a grasp on it.

So I packed a fire bag or two.  Knitting stuff, the Bible my mom gave me and one boyfriend's grandfather gave him, my crisis kit out of the box (candles, Goddess cards, lotion, letter writing stuff, my journal), irriplaceable things, like the last Christmas card my grandma sent me.

It made me feel better.  That's all that mattered.  I had a gut instinct, I acted on it, I was able to somewhat sleep last night.

Since the fire is finally becoming controlled and the fear of it suddenly coming the hour our way backing off, I started unpacking my backpack.

And one of my favorite candles in a glass jar had broken.  The candle is fine.  The jar, not so much.

It's a small price for feeling safe.  I'll deal.

~Meaghan

P.S - I know the most important things aren't things at all, but people.  If I lost anyone I cared about, I don't know what I would do.  I would trade all of my things for their safety.  But packing really does calm, and if you can, you want those things you can't replace.

But not over the lives of those you loved.  Never.

Prayers for Colorado.

Hi There

I realize I have skipped all of May, part of April, and part of June.  It's just, things got so messy and I became so focused on trying to piece it back together that I forgot about you, my dear blog.

So let's start fresh.

I have started a yarn group.  We're meeting tonight for the first time, and I am very hopeful.  It's something I've wanted for a while but never had the courage to start until now.

(This is the power of a good therapist, good anti-depressants, and good chocolate. :) )

I have been knitting again, although it hasn't been with the fever pitch it had been before.  It's not that I don't love my knitting any less.  It's just that I've become more moderate about it.  I'm finding a balance in all things.  Letter writing, card making, knitting, counted cross stitch, exercise, reading - I'm trying to find time for it all.

 And over all, I feel better.

Better than I have in a very, very long time actually.

It's amazing how when you're depressed, you don't realize that you aren't living.  You just know you have to get up each morning and do whatever has to be done.  You are in this haze and everything hurts and everything is numb at the same time.

And it took my sister landing in the hospital back in the later part of April for her own depression that forced me to look at mine.

I won't lie to you, readers.  I still get anxious with social interactions and with the occasional trigger.  I still cry.

But I'm not curled up in a ball, wondering what's wrong with me as I cry uncontrollably.  I'm not getting up each morning to do nothing.

So many positive changes are happening.  The yarn group is just the beginning.

I've signed up to do a 5K in August with my sister.  It's this one and it looks incredible.  I've never been super athletic, let alone run before.  So this is huge.  I've been training for two weeks now.  I can now do half a mile in under ten minutes.  That doesn't sound like a lot, but for me it is.  My goal is to be at a ten minute mile by the end of the month.

I've been reading again for the first time in so long.  The Game of Thrones book series is amazing.  I'm not a huge fantasy person, but I just can't get enough of it.  I'm in the midst of "A Clash of Kings" at the moment.  I'm also reading some really good zombie fiction. :)

Today my sister and I are going out.  We're going to get some pho and I'm getting a pedicure and acrylic nails, something I've wanted for a very long time.  It feels selfish to me, but I've been assured that it's not. It's important to take care of me.  And that's something that's just going to take time for me to learn.

Rest assured, boyfriend and parents are also doing well.  Things seem to be running pretty smoothly with only minor bumps along the way.  And for that, I am grateful.

I won't leave again for so long, my readers.  Thank you for hanging with me. :)

~Meaghan

Things Learned From Grief

Hi there, my dear readers.  I am back.  Not in one piece, but back and swinging.

Grief, I am learning, is an awful beast.  Some days, I wake up and feel fine.  By the end of the day, I'm crying over little things that normally wouldn't bother me.  Other days, I wake up in a fog and remain there all day.

I'm up and down and all around.  I feel like a human merry-go-round.

All of which is supposedly normal.

(I would like to note that I have the best mom ever, who let me cry an ugly cry in the car today and just told me it would be okay while rubbing my shoulder.)

Anyway.

I'm trying to get it back together.  Yesterday, I picked up knitting for the first time in over a month.  I didn't do anyhing substatial except a row of random enterlac, but still.  It was something.

I have been doing other crafts, just for whatever that's worth.  I've discovered I enjoy coutned cross stitch.  And I love making cards and things.  Instead of journaling, I've been writing letters to myself on an almost daily basis, letters I plan on reading at the end of the year.

So I'm trying.

There's been so much sadness this month, though.  I mean, seriously.  I have spring PTSD, I'm sure of it.  This year, Grandma died, the Boston bombing happened, and the plant in Texas blew.  Last year, my boyfriend nearly committed suicide.  (He's safe and has been living with us since last April, and is doing so much better.  In a few years, I'm going to be very proud and happy to call him my husband.)  The year before that, my anxiety and panic attacks started.

Stuff needs to stop happening in the spring.

But there's a lot of good, too, my readers.  I have been made painfully aware of that too.  The sun is shining today for the first time in what feels like ages.  Family is closer than ever.  And, as we saw with the theater shootings, people at the Boston Marathon were helpers, running towards the wounded to help.

One of my favorite yarn bloggers, Rachael Herron, is doing a Boston Love Blanket.  I am going to make a square.  I haven't knit anything of substance since March, but if I know one thing, it's that helping others helps you.  If this can't get me back into my knitting, nothing will.

This month has also made me painfully aware of how short life is.  Grandma would want me to live it to the fullest.  And, like she and Grandpa, I want to be able to be around for a very, very long time.

So I've started a weight loss journey.  I would love for you guys to join me, if you want.  What made me do this?  On the trip to Missouri for Grandma's funeral, my mom noticed I stopped breathing in my sleep.  I've done it a few times since I got back.  It worries me, it worries my boyfriend, it worries my family.

 I'm not going to lie: I'm pretty overweight.  For my height and body type, I should weigh in at about 160 or so.  When I got back from the trip, I weighed in at 221.4 pounds.  That is the heaviest I have ever been in my life.  I'm 22 for crying out loud - I should be able to keep up, to breathe through the whole night, to be healthy and happy.

So far, I've lost 4 pounds by cutting out soda and most fried foods, and by working out for thirty minutes five days a week.  I've set up rewards for myself for each 5 pound mark I hit.  These are things like getting my nails done, going shopping, buying the foutain pen I want.  That sort of thing.  The goal is to lose 40 pounds by the end of the year, taking me down to 181.4.  I'm going to take pictures each milestone, then have a blog with it all at the end of the year.

What do you think?

I think life is short.  I think grief is hard.  And I think love will rule all.  I'm going to make each day count for something.  Join me.

~Meaghan

The Longest Road

The past few weeks have been a blur, my dear readers.

My grandma went into the hospital a few weeks ago.  She was released, only to have to go back to ICU a few days later.

She passed away Easter Monday, April 1st. 

This week we made the trip back home to the Midwest to tell her goodbye and lay her to rest.

I haven't been able to knit in all that time.  A little here, a little there.  But where knitting usually soothes me, it has been doing nothing for me. 

I hope this passes.  I know Grandma's in a better place.  It just sucks for those of us left behind.

That is all.