A Lifetime Ago, Part 2

Hello again dear readers.  Here is the second half to the previous post.

So, I was talking about how much I loved the World Bird Sanctuary and how it was a really key part of my teenage years. 

Last year, Tobin died.  I was in the process of working on my graduation capstone for my writing degree when I found out.  One of my essays is actually about him and WBS.  It's the one my professor and mentor requested I read at my capstone reading although I had reservations.

I don't know if it was Tobin's death last year or just the amount of shit that's happened this year (grandma's death, my sister's attempted suicide, etc, etc.), but I have been thinking a lot about the Sanctuary.  And about my past and my future and my present and how they're somehow all woven together.  (Which is a post for yet another time, readers.)

So anyway.

Nightmares.

For the past month, I've been dreaming about the WBS.  As I said in the last post, they aren't really nightmares.  They really do just make me horribly sad when I wake up.  And they all follow kind of the same pattern.

Let's look at last night's.

It was dark. I was standing at the steep stairs that led down to the Office of Wildlife Learning, where I primarily volunteered.  Only, the stairs were larger and steeper than they really are.  I felt like I was almost going to fall off the edge.  I was aware that my family was with me, but they were more in the background.

In my dream, I wasn't that awkward 14 year old girl.  I was me, as I am now.  But my normal confidence was replaced with an almost feeling of apprehension.

Then, one of the guys I worked with - one of the ones I was always nervous around for no really good reason except that it was me - was there.  I was to follow him down to the building.  He began walking and I followed, moving (to my surprise) like a ghost, more floating and less walking.  Everything was dimly lit and nothing was how I remembered it.  The people were different, the birds were different, and I felt like a stranger.  It was almost as if I was invisible.

And then I woke up, sad and with a feeling of longing.

I have a dream like this at least once a week now.  Sometimes more.  It's always night, it's always the Sanctuary but exaggeratedly so, and it's always the same guy I worked with.

I've been thinking about what this can mean.  Today, I believe I have figured it out.

So.  Autumn is the time when your fears and losses come to light.  You have to learn from them and face them.  Then you sew what you want to harvest in spring.  Also, when I'm stressed, I dream about places that are most comforting to me, like the woods.

I think that the reason I'm having these dreams is because I'm afraid to lose who I was.  But at the same time, my mind is trying to cope with the fact things are changing and have been changing for a long time.

I'm not who I was.  I'm this fairly fearless young woman who wants to change the world.  I'm studying Environmental science so that I can go into the field and see what's up. I love color, I love words, I love life.  My family, while always important to me, is no longer my center nucleus.  I have Trevor, who I love with all my heart.  We've been discussing the concept of marriage after graduation, something I never thought I would do.

It's a lot.  I don't know where I'll end up or what I'll do.  But I know it's going to be good.

I also know that more than likely it won't involve me going back to the WBS.  At least, not in this lifetime. 

So I believe the reason I've been having these sad, longing dreams is because my mind is trying to turn the page on that part of my life and lead me into the next part.

What do you think?

~Meaghan

P.S. - Sorry if this second part was kind of disjointed.  I think my sleepless night finally caught up with me.