Hi there, my dear readers. I am back. Not in one piece, but back and swinging.
Grief, I am learning, is an awful beast. Some days, I wake up and feel fine. By the end of the day, I'm crying over little things that normally wouldn't bother me. Other days, I wake up in a fog and remain there all day.
I'm up and down and all around. I feel like a human merry-go-round.
All of which is supposedly normal.
(I would like to note that I have the best mom ever, who let me cry an ugly cry in the car today and just told me it would be okay while rubbing my shoulder.)
Anyway.
I'm trying to get it back together. Yesterday, I picked up knitting for the first time in over a month. I didn't do anyhing substatial except a row of random enterlac, but still. It was something.
I have been doing other crafts, just for whatever that's worth. I've discovered I enjoy coutned cross stitch. And I love making cards and things. Instead of journaling, I've been writing letters to myself on an almost daily basis, letters I plan on reading at the end of the year.
So I'm trying.
There's been so much sadness this month, though. I mean, seriously. I have spring PTSD, I'm sure of it. This year, Grandma died, the Boston bombing happened, and the plant in Texas blew. Last year, my boyfriend nearly committed suicide. (He's safe and has been living with us since last April, and is doing so much better. In a few years, I'm going to be very proud and happy to call him my husband.) The year before that, my anxiety and panic attacks started.
Stuff needs to stop happening in the spring.
But there's a lot of good, too, my readers. I have been made painfully aware of that too. The sun is shining today for the first time in what feels like ages. Family is closer than ever. And, as we saw with the theater shootings, people at the Boston Marathon were helpers, running towards the wounded to help.
One of my favorite yarn bloggers, Rachael Herron, is doing a Boston Love Blanket. I am going to make a square. I haven't knit anything of substance since March, but if I know one thing, it's that helping others helps you. If this can't get me back into my knitting, nothing will.
This month has also made me painfully aware of how short life is. Grandma would want me to live it to the fullest. And, like she and Grandpa, I want to be able to be around for a very, very long time.
So I've started a weight loss journey. I would love for you guys to join me, if you want. What made me do this? On the trip to Missouri for Grandma's funeral, my mom noticed I stopped breathing in my sleep. I've done it a few times since I got back. It worries me, it worries my boyfriend, it worries my family.
I'm not going to lie: I'm pretty overweight. For my height and body type, I should weigh in at about 160 or so. When I got back from the trip, I weighed in at 221.4 pounds. That is the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I'm 22 for crying out loud - I should be able to keep up, to breathe through the whole night, to be healthy and happy.
So far, I've lost 4 pounds by cutting out soda and most fried foods, and by working out for thirty minutes five days a week. I've set up rewards for myself for each 5 pound mark I hit. These are things like getting my nails done, going shopping, buying the foutain pen I want. That sort of thing. The goal is to lose 40 pounds by the end of the year, taking me down to 181.4. I'm going to take pictures each milestone, then have a blog with it all at the end of the year.
What do you think?
I think life is short. I think grief is hard. And I think love will rule all. I'm going to make each day count for something. Join me.
~Meaghan
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Monday, April 8, 2013
The Longest Road
The past few weeks have been a blur, my dear readers.
My grandma went into the hospital a few weeks ago. She was released, only to have to go back to ICU a few days later.
She passed away Easter Monday, April 1st.
This week we made the trip back home to the Midwest to tell her goodbye and lay her to rest.
I haven't been able to knit in all that time. A little here, a little there. But where knitting usually soothes me, it has been doing nothing for me.
I hope this passes. I know Grandma's in a better place. It just sucks for those of us left behind.
That is all.
My grandma went into the hospital a few weeks ago. She was released, only to have to go back to ICU a few days later.
She passed away Easter Monday, April 1st.
This week we made the trip back home to the Midwest to tell her goodbye and lay her to rest.
I haven't been able to knit in all that time. A little here, a little there. But where knitting usually soothes me, it has been doing nothing for me.
I hope this passes. I know Grandma's in a better place. It just sucks for those of us left behind.
That is all.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Stuck at the Grocery Store
For six hours.
I kid you not, guys and gals. I was stuck at the grocery store today with my mom and sister for six hours.
Why?
Because it was a blizzard and my boyfriend and dad were working different schedules. So we left at 1 to go get my man at 2, only to find out when we arrived at the store that he was working until 7 like my dad. Due to road conditions, we couldn't exactly leave. If we had left, they would have had to sleep at the store.
(True story, my dad had to do that once about three years ago. The snow was too deep for our little Focus and we couldn't get him. It was not cool. Although someone bought him deli chicken for dinner. So I guess that was okay.)
We ate pizza from the in-store pizza place for lunch. I had my knitting - that Doctor Who scarf - and made pretty good progress. Kate had bought some fuzzy posters and let me color with her for a bit.
But mostly we were bored and pissed. Not at dad or Trev, but at their management for various things that have been going on and for the horrible things that happened today.
(I will not go into that today, just know that something's going to have to change or they are going to leave.)
So stress was high and weather was bad. But we made it home and all is alright. My dad's picking up chinese food as we speak.
The funny thing about it was the fact that all I wanted while at the store was to a) be home and b) take a shower. I don't know if showering and being at a grocery store are related, but there you have it.
I seriously hate the snow. :(
And now, I'm off to eat orange chicken.
~Meaghan
I kid you not, guys and gals. I was stuck at the grocery store today with my mom and sister for six hours.
Why?
Because it was a blizzard and my boyfriend and dad were working different schedules. So we left at 1 to go get my man at 2, only to find out when we arrived at the store that he was working until 7 like my dad. Due to road conditions, we couldn't exactly leave. If we had left, they would have had to sleep at the store.
(True story, my dad had to do that once about three years ago. The snow was too deep for our little Focus and we couldn't get him. It was not cool. Although someone bought him deli chicken for dinner. So I guess that was okay.)
We ate pizza from the in-store pizza place for lunch. I had my knitting - that Doctor Who scarf - and made pretty good progress. Kate had bought some fuzzy posters and let me color with her for a bit.
But mostly we were bored and pissed. Not at dad or Trev, but at their management for various things that have been going on and for the horrible things that happened today.
(I will not go into that today, just know that something's going to have to change or they are going to leave.)
So stress was high and weather was bad. But we made it home and all is alright. My dad's picking up chinese food as we speak.
The funny thing about it was the fact that all I wanted while at the store was to a) be home and b) take a shower. I don't know if showering and being at a grocery store are related, but there you have it.
I seriously hate the snow. :(
And now, I'm off to eat orange chicken.
~Meaghan
Friday, March 22, 2013
Fear, Anxiety, and Yarn
So as I mentioned in the previous post, I'm in the process of going off my anti-anxiety medication.
I tell everyone I'm super excited to be finally getting off it. I also tell everyone I can feel a difference. These are both true: I feel lighter and I am very happy to be getting off it, especially as I read the prolonged effects of this medication. Two years was more than enough on it.
But there's more.
I'm kind of...scared.
Yeah. I'm scared to go off this medication.
The reason I went on it was for panic attacks. I started having them my second year of community college, a few months after I stopped harming myself. (That's a blog for another time, my loves.) I guess my body and mind couldn't cope with the fact that I didn't have a physical release for stress anymore, so they decided to give me one.
Fear is a very good thing. It can be, anyway. After all, that's how early cavemen knew to run from certain predators and situations. That's how humans were able to evolve so much - fight or flight. But for some of us, our bodies give us too much adrenaline. There's too much fight or flight.
That's what happened to me. I would be at school, waiting in the student area between classes, and the urge to cry would fall on me for no reason. Anything could set it off. That was okay. I could handle crying. But it evolved. It became the walls caving in and me feeling like I couldn't breathe because there was no room. I would begin to hyperventilate. I either had to leave the area and go outside and hope it went away, or call my mom and ask her to come pick me up.
Once I went on the meds, it got better, at least for a while. I met the man of my dreams, I graduated with honors with my Creative Writing degree. I got a part time job at a retail place. And then, just when things seemed right -
Wham.
They were back, worse than ever. I don't know if it was the lack of sleep over the summer, the stress of my job at the time, the Batman theater shooting (Trev and I were at a different theater for the midnight release, but I had a friend at the cinaplex in the theater next door) or what. But I just couldn't function.
Well. Hello extra drugs. And hello not being able to feel anything: no sex drive, no bright happiness, no colorful joy. It wasn't that it was bad, it was just that the colors were kind of running together. I honestly have a really hard time remembering most of those few months, to be totally honest.
Fast forward to the present.
Things are amazing right now. I wouldn't say perfect, because nothing is perfect. If my relationships were all perfect and I was perfect and life was perfect, I would be very, very concerned.
Things are good, though. Perhaps better than they've been in the past two or three years even. Which is why my doctor and I decided I would be able to get off my meds. Because I want to feel again. I want to taste life again.
And that brings me back to the original topic. Fear.
What if I've forgotten who I was while I was on these meds? What if I'm not me anymore?
Worse yet, what if the panic and fear and walls caving in all return?
I know I have an amazing support system. I have a strong faith. And I believe in myself now, too, something I didn't have before.
And so, I knit. I knit it all - the fear, the doubt, the anxiety, the concerns - row by row into Katie's Doctor Who scarf. Straight garter stitch, over tweleve feet long. I can feel the tension leave as I work on it, feel the doubts go away.
So far, the results of both the med reduction and the scarf have been great. I'm feeling like me again, with a few exception days like today where I just want to sleep and feel like I'm walking in a fog. But those are few and far now. And the scarf is looking amazing. I have about two feet done at this point.
(There will be pictures soon. Promise, guys and gals.)
There you have it. Where I am. Thank you for reading. :)
~Meaghan
I tell everyone I'm super excited to be finally getting off it. I also tell everyone I can feel a difference. These are both true: I feel lighter and I am very happy to be getting off it, especially as I read the prolonged effects of this medication. Two years was more than enough on it.
But there's more.
I'm kind of...scared.
Yeah. I'm scared to go off this medication.
The reason I went on it was for panic attacks. I started having them my second year of community college, a few months after I stopped harming myself. (That's a blog for another time, my loves.) I guess my body and mind couldn't cope with the fact that I didn't have a physical release for stress anymore, so they decided to give me one.
Fear is a very good thing. It can be, anyway. After all, that's how early cavemen knew to run from certain predators and situations. That's how humans were able to evolve so much - fight or flight. But for some of us, our bodies give us too much adrenaline. There's too much fight or flight.
That's what happened to me. I would be at school, waiting in the student area between classes, and the urge to cry would fall on me for no reason. Anything could set it off. That was okay. I could handle crying. But it evolved. It became the walls caving in and me feeling like I couldn't breathe because there was no room. I would begin to hyperventilate. I either had to leave the area and go outside and hope it went away, or call my mom and ask her to come pick me up.
Once I went on the meds, it got better, at least for a while. I met the man of my dreams, I graduated with honors with my Creative Writing degree. I got a part time job at a retail place. And then, just when things seemed right -
Wham.
They were back, worse than ever. I don't know if it was the lack of sleep over the summer, the stress of my job at the time, the Batman theater shooting (Trev and I were at a different theater for the midnight release, but I had a friend at the cinaplex in the theater next door) or what. But I just couldn't function.
Well. Hello extra drugs. And hello not being able to feel anything: no sex drive, no bright happiness, no colorful joy. It wasn't that it was bad, it was just that the colors were kind of running together. I honestly have a really hard time remembering most of those few months, to be totally honest.
Fast forward to the present.
Things are amazing right now. I wouldn't say perfect, because nothing is perfect. If my relationships were all perfect and I was perfect and life was perfect, I would be very, very concerned.
Things are good, though. Perhaps better than they've been in the past two or three years even. Which is why my doctor and I decided I would be able to get off my meds. Because I want to feel again. I want to taste life again.
And that brings me back to the original topic. Fear.
What if I've forgotten who I was while I was on these meds? What if I'm not me anymore?
Worse yet, what if the panic and fear and walls caving in all return?
I know I have an amazing support system. I have a strong faith. And I believe in myself now, too, something I didn't have before.
And so, I knit. I knit it all - the fear, the doubt, the anxiety, the concerns - row by row into Katie's Doctor Who scarf. Straight garter stitch, over tweleve feet long. I can feel the tension leave as I work on it, feel the doubts go away.
So far, the results of both the med reduction and the scarf have been great. I'm feeling like me again, with a few exception days like today where I just want to sleep and feel like I'm walking in a fog. But those are few and far now. And the scarf is looking amazing. I have about two feet done at this point.
(There will be pictures soon. Promise, guys and gals.)
There you have it. Where I am. Thank you for reading. :)
~Meaghan
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Everything in One
Hi there.
I didn't mean to leave you hanging, my dear, sweet readers. I know it's been almost two months since I last posted. I know that saying I've been busy is no excuse, either.
I've decided to revamp this blog a bit. It can't be just about knitting. I love knitting, I love yarn - but there's more to me than that. And I don't want to write if I feel I can't include all those other parts of me.
So this blog is now everything in one. Kinda like an everything bagel with cream cheese. :) I do hope we can start again, my readers.
You're probably having some questions and thoughts right now:
Meaghan, where have you been?
What have you been up to?
Yay, you aren't dead!
(I could be exaggerating, of course, but I choose to believe you're happy I'm alive.)
I can't remember where my last post left off, so forgive me if I seem redundant.
Let's see...
I'm enrolled to go back to school in the fall. I'm an Environmental Science major with an emphasis in Ecological Restoration. It seems like a far cry from my associates in Creative Writing, but I think the two will go hand in hand nicely. I'm hoping I can get a job with the EPA doing field work, or some other government position. I don't think I want desk work. I think I want to be out in the middle of it all.
I'm pretty excited about school. I like to read, I like to write, and I like to learn. I even like math and stuff, if you'll believe that.
(Which is good, cause I have to take a lot of Bio, Chem, and Statistics...)
Found out I'm going to be out of a job come May. As you may recall, I'm that awesome chick at the grocery store who trys to get you to try new products and stuff. Well. My boss was fired two weeks ago and emailed us; turns out, the company lost the contract with our major client, Kroger, as of May first.
(I feel like I should be more worried about discussing this, but what are they going to do, fire me? Come on.)
With the support of my family and boyfriend, I've decided not to pursue another job elsewhere. I mean, after the fall semester, I'm going to probably be taking 18 credit hours. And those are all going to be science classes. It feels weird, especially since money is tight for all of us in this little family unit. But I know God will provide.
My sister has decided to pursue opera. She has dreams of heading to New York and singing on a stage. There's a lot of musical talent in our family; she has everything she needs - talent, drive, and passion. I know she's going to light up the stages when she gets there. :)
My boyfriend is doing really well, too. It makes me happy. We've had a few rough patches the past month, but show me a relationship that hasn't. We're working on communication. The goal is to be able to get our own apartment shortly after we graduate with our respective degrees; then at some point, wedding bells will be chiming.
I'm not in as big of a hurry as I thought I was for that. I love Trev more than anyone in the world; but what we have is special and in both our minds, we're already married. We treat each other as equals, we respect and care for each other, we've stayed strong through some serious, serious crap. I think the wedding is just a formality. Don't get me wrong: I very much look forward to the day I become his offical wife. It's just, I'm not in a rush. I'm enjoying each day at a time. :)
This past week, I've been doing nothing but watch Numb3rs and knit on my sister's Doctor Who scarf. The project may be boring and tedious and painful, but it makes great knitting for watching television. And by watching Numb3rs via DVDs from the library, I don't have to deal with commercials, which is really nice.
(I have three favorite television shows: Numb3rs, which went off the air a few years ago, Bones, and CSI:NY, which I'm pretty sure isn't going to get signed for another season. Why do I like these shows? Because they're intelligent television. There's humor, there's science and math, there are great characters with great love lives that I actually can get behind. What can I say? My film class instructor last year said great script writers are moving towards television; I agree with him.)
I've also caved and joined Instagram. Look for me as birdietheknitter. If that doesn't work, let me know. I'm still on Twitter as well, under Birdgirl90. :)
Oh! So, a lot of you don't know this, but I was put on an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication about two years ago for panic attacks. Well, I'm in an awesome place now and am in the process of getting off it. Sure, I am having some side effects - insomnia, hyperness, etc. But those are the same as when I went on it.
And I feel lighter. I feel less paranoid and sad and upset and worried. I feel like this weight has been lifted. :) I'm so very happy about it, I could do a dance.
Except I won't. Because it's, you know, 12:06 am.
Which means I should go to bed. But I just really wanted everyone to know I'm alive, I haven't forgotten you, and I'm back.
Welcome to a little bit of everything. I'm happy you're on this journey with me. :)
~Meaghan
I didn't mean to leave you hanging, my dear, sweet readers. I know it's been almost two months since I last posted. I know that saying I've been busy is no excuse, either.
I've decided to revamp this blog a bit. It can't be just about knitting. I love knitting, I love yarn - but there's more to me than that. And I don't want to write if I feel I can't include all those other parts of me.
So this blog is now everything in one. Kinda like an everything bagel with cream cheese. :) I do hope we can start again, my readers.
You're probably having some questions and thoughts right now:
Meaghan, where have you been?
What have you been up to?
Yay, you aren't dead!
(I could be exaggerating, of course, but I choose to believe you're happy I'm alive.)
I can't remember where my last post left off, so forgive me if I seem redundant.
Let's see...
I'm enrolled to go back to school in the fall. I'm an Environmental Science major with an emphasis in Ecological Restoration. It seems like a far cry from my associates in Creative Writing, but I think the two will go hand in hand nicely. I'm hoping I can get a job with the EPA doing field work, or some other government position. I don't think I want desk work. I think I want to be out in the middle of it all.
I'm pretty excited about school. I like to read, I like to write, and I like to learn. I even like math and stuff, if you'll believe that.
(Which is good, cause I have to take a lot of Bio, Chem, and Statistics...)
Found out I'm going to be out of a job come May. As you may recall, I'm that awesome chick at the grocery store who trys to get you to try new products and stuff. Well. My boss was fired two weeks ago and emailed us; turns out, the company lost the contract with our major client, Kroger, as of May first.
(I feel like I should be more worried about discussing this, but what are they going to do, fire me? Come on.)
With the support of my family and boyfriend, I've decided not to pursue another job elsewhere. I mean, after the fall semester, I'm going to probably be taking 18 credit hours. And those are all going to be science classes. It feels weird, especially since money is tight for all of us in this little family unit. But I know God will provide.
My sister has decided to pursue opera. She has dreams of heading to New York and singing on a stage. There's a lot of musical talent in our family; she has everything she needs - talent, drive, and passion. I know she's going to light up the stages when she gets there. :)
My boyfriend is doing really well, too. It makes me happy. We've had a few rough patches the past month, but show me a relationship that hasn't. We're working on communication. The goal is to be able to get our own apartment shortly after we graduate with our respective degrees; then at some point, wedding bells will be chiming.
I'm not in as big of a hurry as I thought I was for that. I love Trev more than anyone in the world; but what we have is special and in both our minds, we're already married. We treat each other as equals, we respect and care for each other, we've stayed strong through some serious, serious crap. I think the wedding is just a formality. Don't get me wrong: I very much look forward to the day I become his offical wife. It's just, I'm not in a rush. I'm enjoying each day at a time. :)
This past week, I've been doing nothing but watch Numb3rs and knit on my sister's Doctor Who scarf. The project may be boring and tedious and painful, but it makes great knitting for watching television. And by watching Numb3rs via DVDs from the library, I don't have to deal with commercials, which is really nice.
(I have three favorite television shows: Numb3rs, which went off the air a few years ago, Bones, and CSI:NY, which I'm pretty sure isn't going to get signed for another season. Why do I like these shows? Because they're intelligent television. There's humor, there's science and math, there are great characters with great love lives that I actually can get behind. What can I say? My film class instructor last year said great script writers are moving towards television; I agree with him.)
I've also caved and joined Instagram. Look for me as birdietheknitter. If that doesn't work, let me know. I'm still on Twitter as well, under Birdgirl90. :)
Oh! So, a lot of you don't know this, but I was put on an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication about two years ago for panic attacks. Well, I'm in an awesome place now and am in the process of getting off it. Sure, I am having some side effects - insomnia, hyperness, etc. But those are the same as when I went on it.
And I feel lighter. I feel less paranoid and sad and upset and worried. I feel like this weight has been lifted. :) I'm so very happy about it, I could do a dance.
Except I won't. Because it's, you know, 12:06 am.
Which means I should go to bed. But I just really wanted everyone to know I'm alive, I haven't forgotten you, and I'm back.
Welcome to a little bit of everything. I'm happy you're on this journey with me. :)
~Meaghan
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Addicting Little Knit
I am completely in love with this awesome pattern for handwarmers. One skein of cotton yarn, one set of size 6 double points, and I am in heaven.
I love it. I can not seem to stop knitting them.
I like the Sugar and Cream or Peaches and Creme yarns. The cotton is nice and the colors are awesome. I highly recommend this pattern.
I'm off to knit more. (What am I going to do with all of them, lol?)
~Birdie
I love it. I can not seem to stop knitting them.
I like the Sugar and Cream or Peaches and Creme yarns. The cotton is nice and the colors are awesome. I highly recommend this pattern.
I'm off to knit more. (What am I going to do with all of them, lol?)
~Birdie
Monday, February 4, 2013
Tough Choices
As some of you may know, I have an Etsy shop.
Or rather, I had an Etsy shop.
See, my whole dream was not to make things for other people. It's to open a yarn shop. A nice place with shelves of yarn and tables for crafting. Comfy couches maybe. Nice windows wide with light. And an area for consignment, where people like me can sell their items. Cause it's hard to find that anywhere. There will be classes and knit alongs and crochet alongs.
It's been my dream for a long time.
My mom and I were talking about it today. Etsy and farmer's markets and craft shows are all good, but they aren't what I want. I've been fooling myself and in the process, taking away from my real dream.
So I made some tough choices today.
They really weren't that tough, though.
I closed my Etsy shop. I enrolled at the community college I graduated from last year.
My plan is to take business classes and maybe get a certificate. Then hopefully in the next year or two I'll be able to get a business loan and get things cooking.
I need this. I need this to happen. I need to have this purpose.
I'll keep you posted.
And don't worry. There will be knitting still. :)
Here's to chasing dreams.
~Birdie
Or rather, I had an Etsy shop.
See, my whole dream was not to make things for other people. It's to open a yarn shop. A nice place with shelves of yarn and tables for crafting. Comfy couches maybe. Nice windows wide with light. And an area for consignment, where people like me can sell their items. Cause it's hard to find that anywhere. There will be classes and knit alongs and crochet alongs.
It's been my dream for a long time.
My mom and I were talking about it today. Etsy and farmer's markets and craft shows are all good, but they aren't what I want. I've been fooling myself and in the process, taking away from my real dream.
So I made some tough choices today.
They really weren't that tough, though.
I closed my Etsy shop. I enrolled at the community college I graduated from last year.
My plan is to take business classes and maybe get a certificate. Then hopefully in the next year or two I'll be able to get a business loan and get things cooking.
I need this. I need this to happen. I need to have this purpose.
I'll keep you posted.
And don't worry. There will be knitting still. :)
Here's to chasing dreams.
~Birdie
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