A Call for Prayers and Healing

Claire Davis, the girl who was shot last week at the Arapahoe High School shooting, has passed away.

This holiday season is going to be hard for so many.  Her family, the shooter's family, and really our whole community.  My friend who's dad is a teacher there is struggling and I'm worried about her.

I can't even articulate how I feel right now.

If you could just say a prayer for everyone, my readers, that would be wonderful.

~Meaghan

The (Anti)Year in Review

Hello there, my dear sweet readers.

Today is December 20th.  Our year is almost over.  Normally, this is when I write my year in review, going month by month, trying to remember what I did all year.

But I've realized something this year: we as humans spend an awful lot of time looking back.  Sometimes it's mournfully, sometimes it's joyfully, and sometimes it's regretfully; but all of it is watching in the rear view mirror.

Life is too short.

So let's try something new.  Let's call it:  A Look to the Future.

*cue science fiction music at leisure*

Instead of going month by month, recapping everything, I'm going to make a list of 12 things answering this question: Where will I be in 2014 and what do I hope for while I'm there?

(For those of you playing along at home, I highly encourage you to make your own Look to the Future.  It gives a serious feeling of optimism and hope, something I think we can all benefit from.)

Let's begin!

1. I've been writing a lot of creative non-fiction essays this past year.  I'm hoping that in 2014 I'll have them typed and finalized and ready to go in some sort of package, in an attempt to get them published.

2. I'm also hoping to get my fiction story that I've just recently started written.  I have this serious problem of getting great ideas and doing all sorts of research, and then not finishing the project.  I really hope to break that cycle (even if the story stays in my home forever) in 2014.

3. I will be in the throes of wedding planning.  My bridesmaids are lined up, the location and date are reserved, and the guest list is almost done.  So we've already really got a good start.  Next year means actually starting to buy things, like stationary for invitations, unity candles, and...

4. A wedding dress!! I am so excited.  I know a marriage is not about the dress or the ceremony, but I can't help it.  I am really looking forward to dress shopping.  I want to look like a princess.  I want to feel beautiful.  Which leads to...

5. Not letting my weight define me.  So much of this year was spent in self loathing over my weight and where I am.  No more.  I am going to be a beautiful plus bride when the time comes.  And I'm going to spend 2014 learning how to love myself better, not only for the fact that it's healthy for me, but so that I am able to love those around me better as well.

6. I'm going to rock my science classes.  My semesters are getting to a point where the classes are heavy and hard, yet everything I love.  Fall of 2014 is probably going to see me taking between 15 and 18 credits.  This is more than I've ever taken before in a semester, but I love what I'm doing, so I'm not overly worried.

7. I plan on working a crazy amount this summer.  For our honeymoon, Trev and I have decided that we want to go to Disneyland.  (I've never been, and he's been wanting to take me for almost the entirety of our relationship.  I'm very excited.)  So I want to spend most of my summer working to help save up for it.  (He'll be working and saving as well, so it should work out.)

8. Trev and I will be celebrating our 3rd anniversary together.  It will be our last one as a dating couple, as we'll be married around the time of our following one.  I can not imagine a better man who completes me.  He never holds me back.  He makes me laugh.  When my dreams are a little out of control, he helps me trim them so that they can actually happen.  I love him.

9. I plan on continuing to take violin lessons.  This is something I recently started again (just a few months ago, actually) and I love it.  I only really play for myself and my family, but it feels really good.  I may participate in a recital this upcoming spring or fall as well.  We'll see.

10. I'm doing the Color Me Rad 5K with my sister again.  I don't know if we'll be running it, or if we'll walk it again.  Either way, we've already decided to do it again.  It was just too fun when we did it this year.  Neither of us want us to miss out on it ever again.

11. I plan on making time for my priorities.  This year I had a really hard time relating to a lot of my peers due to everything going on.  In the upcoming year, I'm going to work on being more social.  It may be selectively social ( I don't typically do well with large groups), but I will make more of an effort.  I plan on taking time for my family, too.  And I'm also going to make sure that I have some alone time.  Because as crazy as it sounds, I get worn out from being around people constantly and I need that time to recharge.

And finally....

12. I'm moving!  Don't worry, it's still in Colorado.  And yes, my fiance and I will still be living with my parents and sister.  But we're looking to move to a less expensive apartment out of Highlands Ranch and into somewhere like Littleton in the summer.  Moving is always a pain, but it brings about the opportunity to meet new neighbors and maybe have some more space to spread out.  I'm actually rather excited.

There are so many other things I want 2014 to bring.  But these 12 things are a good start.

As this blog post finishes up, I want to ask a simple question of you, my dear readers:

Where will you be in 2014 and what do you hope for while you're there?

Happy Holidays, and may 2014 be kind to you as you strive to achieve your list of hopes.

~Meaghan

Updates and a New Idea!

Hi there dear readers!

Today is a beautiful day in Colorado.  The sun is up, it's like 60 degrees, and I'm pretty happy to be on winter break.

So what do I have for you, on this fine day?

Pictures!

Knitting has been going swimmingly.  Allow me to show you two things I just recently finished.

The first is a lovely cardigan I was commissioned to make by a friend of mine.  She bought the yarn, I did the knitting.  I love how it turned out.

Pattern: Cherry Cordial

And then there are birthday socks for my fiance. His birthday isn't until the end of January, but at the rate I'm going, it's never to early to start.

Aren't they awesome? Just a standard sock, no pattern.

Ah, life is pretty good right now.

And now, for a new idea I have.

As you guys know, I love Laci Green.  I think she is awesome.  She just recently put out this video about selfies and how we can turn them into something great.

Which got me thinking about my own insecurities.  Especially where a camera is concerned.

So I have this new project.  Starting in January, I'm going to post one selfie a day.  Good days, bad days, days when I'm sad or sick or happy or pretty - all of them will go up.  

I want to explore myself more, and I want others (that means you, my dear dear readers) to feel empowered as well.  Let's get over this notion of what body perfection is.

I will still be updating this blog, so do not worry.  Actually, since I'll be posting daily pictures on there, I will probably update more on here.  Always a good thing. :)

And that is all I have for today, sweet readers.  Enjoy your Tuesday afternoon!

~Meaghan

A Feeling of Insignificance

Hi there, my dear readers.

You may or may not have heard in the news what I am about to blog about.  There has been yet another shooting in Colorado.

This one took place in a high school about ten minutes from where I live.  A young man entered the school, searching for a teacher, shooting a young girl who is in critical condition at the hospital, and ultimately taking his own life in the library.

(I do not know more.  I will not go into more.  Go look at the news if you want that.  This is where I'm going to decompress.)

We heard the sirens Friday afternoon as the firetrucks and ambulances raced down our road.  Honestly, I think all of us in the living room thought it was just another automobile accident.  They are pretty common at the intersections by our apartment.

It wasn't until I checked Facebook that I knew something was wrong.  We turned on the news. 

Another shooting.

Several things about this make it hit close for me.

For one, one of my best friends has a dad who is a teacher.  He teaches at Arapahoe High School where the shooting was.  This is my friend whose mom was a teacher at Columbine when the shooting happened there and who lost her babysitter and neighbor as one of the victims.

So I called her immediately.  I am happy to report that her dad made it out okay and that they are all doing alright.  Shaken up.  But safe.

Another thing.  My family and I frequent this area where Arapahoe is.  I work sometimes at the King Soopers where they were sending students after evacuating the school.  The odds of us being there are so high. 

And the youth group of the church I attend.  The church youth group where my friend (mentioned above) works part time has a good chunk of students who attend Arapahoe.

(I am happy to report that they are all safe as well.  I don't know about their mental states, but physically they are ok.)

I am so sad. 

I was working today at another King Soopers, passing out M&M's,  and there were so many teens and adults coming through in their Arapahoe gear.  One of the baggers (a young man about 16 or so) had "Pray for Clare" on his name tag.  I asked him about it and about how he was doing; I gave him extra M&M's. 

It didn't feel like enough.

I do not consider myself a Christian.  But I am spiritual and I do know that God or Goddess is there.

And all I feel I can do right now is pray.  Even if it is just calling God over and over again.

Because everything else feels incredibly insignificant.

Exciting News!

Hello my dear readers.  Thank you so much for your patience while I get some things figured out.

I can now happily report that I have very exciting news.

I am engaged!!!

Trevor and I got unofficially engaged back in October, but we were waiting to announce until he told his family over Thanksgiving.  As of November 30th, we are engaged.

This is a very exciting and wonderful thing.  Especially how the year was for our family.  It's nice to be ending on a happy thought.

We do have a date set and the church booked, but we're keeping it rather close.  I can say it's in May of 2015.  This gives us plenty of time to plan and still focus on school.

The wedding will be a small one.  There's a budget to deal with and the location doesn't feasibly allow for over 150 people.  (My portion of the guest list is only 53 people, including the bridal party, reverend, and possible sound tech personnel.)

I have bridesmaids lined up.  My sister, Katie, is going to be my maid of honor and we are so excited!  She and mom are also going to do the flowers (silk, so they last forever) and whatever else there is. 

Trevor and I are so excited for this to finally be happening!  We've been together 2 and a half years at the moment, and it is so right.  This is only the logical next step.

If I seem not altogether between now and then, it's a combination of wedding planning and school things. :)

Stay tuned.  More will be on the way.

~Meaghan

Costume Time

Hi there, dear readers.

So you know in the last post I mentioned that we're going to Rocky Horror?

I forgot to mention - Katie and I are dressing up for it.

She's been working on a Columbia outfit for a while now.  We took a trip to our local Savers (only like the best thrift shop ever) to try to finish it off.  Cute shoes, a flash of yellow over a silver top, some red tights, and short shorts.  All she needs is a glitzy bow tie and a mini hat, and she is set.

(And, I might add, it's a mighty good Columbia outfit.  She tried it all on together Saturday and it is perfect!)

I was thinking I was just going to dress goth with what I have.  Two fold reason.  1.) I am dead broke for a while and can't afford a costume, and 2.) as a plus sized woman, it can be hard to find something that doesn't look horrible or stupid.  Shopping is hard sometimes, ok?

But Savers was awesome.  Katie and I actually got to talking with one the employees (who was wearing a killer Robin Hood costume); turns out, she used to be Magenta in the performance we go to. 

Now, Magenta is the character I've been fantasizing about being for a while now.  A fun maid outfit (which was actually, I found out, a long button down tee shirt with maid accessories over top) and crazy hair and who wouldn't love pairing up with Riff-Raff?

As a plus sized gal, though, maid outfits kinda suck. 

Not this time.

The gal at Savers showed me the cutest maid outfit for plus sized women.  Bonus moment - it was under 20 bucks.   Katie had me try it on - it totally fit perfectly - and bought it for me, cause she is just that awesome.  I plan on pairing it with my black boots and some fishnets.

Awesomsauce.

I get to finally be Magenta!!

What about Jim and Trev?  I can hear you asking.

Well.  Jim is planning on dressing like a girl.  Trev is going to do his impersonation of Mr. Plinkett, the crazy movie reviewer from Red Letter Media.

(I know, I know.  I wanted him to be Riff-Raff too.  Ah well.  At least he Time Warps, lol.)

It is going to be a bundle of crazy fun.  I will have pictures when it's all said and done. :)

Happy Monday, readers!

~Meaghan

Science Fiction, Double Feature

I got the tickets, I got the tickets!

Okay.  Backstory time, readers.

But first: the song the title is from to get you in the mood.

Much better. :)

October is an awesome month.  I love, love, LOVE October.

Fall is great.  October is the peak.

Why?

Um, let's see. 

Corn mazes.  Halloween.  Apple cider.  Candy. 

Oh.

And the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

(Yes, I am aware that this is many, many years before my time.  Who cares?)

The first time I went to see the RHPS live was in 2010.  My friend Jen and I decided it would be something crazy and weird and (hopefully) fun to do over Halloween weekend.  I bought my first pair of black boots, a RHPS shirt (which I still have), and some dark gothish make up.  We dressed up as punk and rock, and were on our way.  We picked up some candy at Safeway on the way.

Waiting in line was awesome.  There were so many weirdos!  And they were all great and friendly.  There was loud music; at one point the cops were called for a noise complaint.  The guys moderating the line turned the music down until the cops were gone, then cranked it again. 

Jen and I each got these lipstick V's on our foreheads because it was our first time.  We lost our RHPS virginity with a ton of other people (it was fabulous) and threw toilet paper at some poor guy during the "Great Scott!" scene.

It was awesome.

I've taken Katie and Trev to see it once, but Katie was sick and wasn't able to fully enjoy it.  We've been talking at length about whether or not they would want to see it again or try again.  The overall consensus was yes.  Yes, we want to do it again.  And again.  And again.

And so, I got us tickets to go for Halloween this year!

It'll be me, Trev, Katie, and her bf, Jim.  We have plans for Waffle House afterwords, which will be great. 

So very excited. :)

Time to pull out my black makeup.

~Meaghan

Snow (Hey Oh)

Hi there, my dear readers.

Yes.  The title of this blog is the title of one of my favorite Red Hot Chili Pepper songs.  (I love those guys.  Seriously.  Great music.  I'm listening to it as I write this, btw.  You should listen too.)

(On a total side note here, I still remember the first time I heard this song.  It was the first Easter we were in Colorado and I was getting ready for sunrise service while watching VH1, cause we actually had cable at the time and why not.  This song came on and I broke out in chills from head to toe.  Hot. Damn.  Great chords, great words, and a hot lead singer.  Thus it began....)

Anyway.

There is snow today. 

I've been up since like 6am, doing homework, drinking Earl Grey tea with sweet cream (if you have never tried it, I highly recommend you do - I've been looking for a coffee alternative and this fits the bill), and watching it snow.

We've already gotten more than the weather people expected.  So I'm not sure what that means as for the rest of the day.  But this is our first snowfall of the year, so anything could happen.

I feel like our first snow is kind of late.

 I mean, I love the autumn weather more than anything.  I really do.  I love the blustery winds and golden trees and crisp sunshine that invites me to do homework and knitting outside.  And snow and I have this serious love/hate relationship; I love it as long as I don't have to go out into it.  The minute I have to go outside, I basically hate it.

But I've seen snow come here in September.

So it feels like it should have happened already.

As much as I complain about snow, I really don't think it's all bad.  It's where we get our drinking water.  It's important to the environment out here.

And while Colorado rocks in a lot of regards, this is one of the best: it snows one day then it's 70 degrees and sunny the next.

Seriously.

So while it's all wet and snowy today, it'll be beautiful tomorrow.

I'll be back to sitting under my trees on campus by Monday.

Happy Friday, all.

~Meaghan

A Lifetime Ago, Part 2

Hello again dear readers.  Here is the second half to the previous post.

So, I was talking about how much I loved the World Bird Sanctuary and how it was a really key part of my teenage years. 

Last year, Tobin died.  I was in the process of working on my graduation capstone for my writing degree when I found out.  One of my essays is actually about him and WBS.  It's the one my professor and mentor requested I read at my capstone reading although I had reservations.

I don't know if it was Tobin's death last year or just the amount of shit that's happened this year (grandma's death, my sister's attempted suicide, etc, etc.), but I have been thinking a lot about the Sanctuary.  And about my past and my future and my present and how they're somehow all woven together.  (Which is a post for yet another time, readers.)

So anyway.

Nightmares.

For the past month, I've been dreaming about the WBS.  As I said in the last post, they aren't really nightmares.  They really do just make me horribly sad when I wake up.  And they all follow kind of the same pattern.

Let's look at last night's.

It was dark. I was standing at the steep stairs that led down to the Office of Wildlife Learning, where I primarily volunteered.  Only, the stairs were larger and steeper than they really are.  I felt like I was almost going to fall off the edge.  I was aware that my family was with me, but they were more in the background.

In my dream, I wasn't that awkward 14 year old girl.  I was me, as I am now.  But my normal confidence was replaced with an almost feeling of apprehension.

Then, one of the guys I worked with - one of the ones I was always nervous around for no really good reason except that it was me - was there.  I was to follow him down to the building.  He began walking and I followed, moving (to my surprise) like a ghost, more floating and less walking.  Everything was dimly lit and nothing was how I remembered it.  The people were different, the birds were different, and I felt like a stranger.  It was almost as if I was invisible.

And then I woke up, sad and with a feeling of longing.

I have a dream like this at least once a week now.  Sometimes more.  It's always night, it's always the Sanctuary but exaggeratedly so, and it's always the same guy I worked with.

I've been thinking about what this can mean.  Today, I believe I have figured it out.

So.  Autumn is the time when your fears and losses come to light.  You have to learn from them and face them.  Then you sew what you want to harvest in spring.  Also, when I'm stressed, I dream about places that are most comforting to me, like the woods.

I think that the reason I'm having these dreams is because I'm afraid to lose who I was.  But at the same time, my mind is trying to cope with the fact things are changing and have been changing for a long time.

I'm not who I was.  I'm this fairly fearless young woman who wants to change the world.  I'm studying Environmental science so that I can go into the field and see what's up. I love color, I love words, I love life.  My family, while always important to me, is no longer my center nucleus.  I have Trevor, who I love with all my heart.  We've been discussing the concept of marriage after graduation, something I never thought I would do.

It's a lot.  I don't know where I'll end up or what I'll do.  But I know it's going to be good.

I also know that more than likely it won't involve me going back to the WBS.  At least, not in this lifetime. 

So I believe the reason I've been having these sad, longing dreams is because my mind is trying to turn the page on that part of my life and lead me into the next part.

What do you think?

~Meaghan

P.S. - Sorry if this second part was kind of disjointed.  I think my sleepless night finally caught up with me.

A Lifetime Ago, Part 1

Hello, my sweet and dear readers.

I've been having these really weird dreams the past few weeks.  I would almost classify them as nightmares, but I don't think that's the correct term.  I'm not frightened when I wake up.  Just incredibly sad.

Before I get into them, though, I have to give you some background.

When I was 13, I lived in St. Louis, Missouri.  I was homeschooled all through middle and high school, which opened this huge door to discovery for me.  One of those things that I discovered is that I loved birds.  Specifically, birds of prey.

So at age 13,  I began volunteering at this amazing place called the World Bird Sanctuary.  What the WBS does is many fold.  They have an excellent rehabilitation program where they nurse injured raptors back to health and release them into the wild; if the raptors are unable to be released (like if they're blind in one eye or have a wing that will never fly again), they stay on the property to be used for education.  There's also a great breeding program on site, to bring bird populations to stable levels or to use the birds for educational purposes.  They do educational programs, have a nature center just for learning about things, and everyone there is a wealth of information about anything bird and nature related.

(I think you can see a theme here.  Education, people.  It makes the world work.)

Anyway.  Great place.  If you ever get the chance to go, you should. 

Years 13, 14, and 15 were some of my hardest years as an awkward teenager.  Like, every teenager has it hard.  I totally get that.

 But I think I get a little bonus here. 

I was homeschooled.  Guys were weirded out by me cause I was into nature and the sex lives of owls.  I was going through a period where I only listened to the Beatles and oldies station.  I was round, not in a curvy fun way but just in a chubby way.

My dad also lost his job when I was 14, getting one in Springfield, Illinois.  For a year, my mom, sister, and I would spend the week doing all our many activities, only to leave on the weekends to visit my dad in Illinois. 

It was kind of fun, you know, traveling and all that.  But it was hard.  Emotionally and physically.

And that's where WBS comes in.

Every Wednesday, like clockwork, I would wake up at 7 am and put on my WBS tee shirt with khaki colored pants.  (They once addressed this at a staff meeting I went to.  Khaki, I learned, was apparently a type of material, not an appropriate term for color.  So it had to be specified as "khaki colored pants".)

From 10 am until 2 pm, I did grunt work.  I gutted  mice, rabbits, quail, and the occasional guinea pig for the raptor's food.  I cleaned bird stalls and mats with Simple Green, which I still love the smell of.  There were carpets to be sprayed down and vacuuming to be done and rabbit crap to scrape out of a litter box (Cadbury was cute enough that it didn't bug me) and parrot stalls to give the good ol' Listerine treatment to. 

I got to watch all the owls work on flying from glove to glove.  I fell in love with Tobin, a European barn owl who hatched the spring before I started volunteering.  I got to hear wild Barred owls in the woods surrounding the sanctuary and got over my fear of bees and got to watch the seasons change like I never had before.

The best part?  Having adults outside of my parents actually speak to me like an adult.  To them, I wasn't just this horribly dorky kid (although, I still cringe at the fact that I really was) but an equal with a quest for knowledge.  I could ask as many questions as I wanted - and believe me, I did - and they all got answered fully.

It was heaven.

I loved my Wednesdays.

So while the chaos in my life was going on, my Wednesdays stayed consistent.  Each one brought a piece of stability that my parents knew I needed.

A few months before I turned 15, my dad lost his job in Illinois.  I was okay with it, cause I wasn't too keen on Illinois to totally honest.  And it meant I got to stay at the WBS for a bit longer.  Six weeks later, though, he got another one. 

In Colorado.

The farewell the WBS gave me was amazing.  I got to hold Tobin even though I technically wasn't old enough yet.  The pictures are still on our fridge and on my desk.  I received a framed picture of Tobin (displayed on my bookshelf as of this posting) and a beautiful card signed by everyone I worked with (stuck to the back of the bedroom door).

Tobin recently died last year.  I was really upset.  I hadn't gotten back to St. Louis in three years and it killed me that I never got that one last look at him.

But. 

I think it's okay.

Continued in the next post.

Notes from the Blogger

Hi, my readers.  :)

I'm realizing that going a month without blogging is apparently going to be the norm, at least for now.  So I thought now would be a good time to create a few "editorial notes" about this lovely blog for the new readers (and older readers, as well).

So what should you know?


1. I am a College Student.

             So, this doesn't mean a whole lot in the great scheme of things.  Except that I am very science minded and will possibly be bringing it to this blog.  I love science. I love learning.  That's pretty key to knowing me.  And that my time is crazy (and will remain crazy for at least the next four years), which brings me to...

2. Gaps in the Blog are Expected.

              Yeah.  So being a female science student who lives with her family and boyfriend while playing the violin and knitting has some serious perks.  Like, I get to go out and observe organisms.  And I get to have cuddle time with my man.  And violin recitals and holiday/birthday/fun knitting projects and whatever else I can possibly fit in.  So gaps are totally the norm here.  I would love to be able to promise a blog post a week, but I can't make any guarantees.

3. Spirituality is Huge.

             My faith is perhaps one of the few things that gets me through.  I have a very strong relationship with the Devine, though it is not at all in a traditional way.  It's a mix of so many things - energy and healing, Wicca thoughts, Christian principles, meditations, prayer, etc.  I do not follow religion and I don't believe in hell or damnation.  If this bothers you, I respect that.  But please understand that my faith, being part of who I am, will probably come up at some point.

4. I Love Owls.

          As will owls.  Owls are my love.  I have always loved them and I always will.  Yes, I think they are cute, but it's so much more than that.  Owls in the wild (and in captivity) are some of the most loving creatures you will find.  They mate for life and spend their entire lives with their mate.  Studies have been done on owls that lose their mates; most of the them wither away.  Their calls are beautiful, their physical make up is beautiful, and they can represent so much - creativity, nighttime, wisdom, the moon.  Owls are my creature.  They will probably appear in this blog often.

5. I Knit Obsessively.

         The original goal of this blog was to have a knitting blog like so many of the ones I follow.  While that didn't work (too much of myself is interwoven into everything I do, I can't have one without the other), knitting is a huge driving force of what I do.  It connects me to generations before me, to my mom, to the very center of creation.  I love the colors, I love the textures.  I love when a pattern forces me to learn a new technique.   I also enjoy creating some of my own patterns.

6. I Write All the Time.

          It may not be on here, but it's true.  I carry a composition book with me and usually several notepads.  I never know when an idea will hit me.  And granted, writing is not something I want to make my living off of, but it is still something I love.  It's expression, it's release, it's a natural part of me.  And maybe one day I will have some essays published.  We'll see.

7. I Also Read.

            Reading is cool.  I even bought a Nook with a Kindle app so I could read on the lightrail on my way to and from school easier.  Books are amazing.  I'm not a huge fantasy reader or fiction reader, but I love historical things and creative non-fiction.  Science books and spiritual books also are great.  I have this fear that if I stop reading, my mind will melt from ignorance.  And that is just unacceptable.

8. I Tend to be Liberal.

              No, I don't vote by party lines.  That's dumb.  Do your research and vote accordingly.  But I am a very big supporter of free speech, basic freedoms, and the need to have self expression.  I support gun control as well as the right to carry.  I also support gay rights and the right to choose an abortion.  Which leads to...

9. I Support Women's Rights.

             Don't tell me what I can or can not do because of my gender.  Better yet, don't tell me what I can or can not do in general.  Because I will defy you.  I hate rape culture and want more people to be aware of it.  I do not support slut shaming.  I don't think your virginity defines you.  And I loathe anyone or anything that tries to bring women down.  Women are awesome.  We are strong and beautiful and sensitive, all in one.

And finally...

10. I Love Life.

           I love it.  Every part of it.  And I want to learn all I can, do all I can, be all I can.  I want to touch and taste and dream.  If you can't handle that, then this blog is not for you.

There you have it, lovely readers.  Turn back now if you must or plow ahead (or behind through the archives) if you are brave.  This is a journey.  It will always be a journey.

Until the next time we meet.

~Meaghan

Crazy Week, Lazy Day

Hello my dear readers.

This week has been chaos.  Complete chaos.  But good chaos.

My mom's brother, who I am basically meeting for the first time in my life, and his daughter (who came out to visit last summer - we adore her to pieces), and his daughter's boyfriend came to visit this week.  It's been a lot of busy, a lot of catching up, a lot of laughter, a lot of neurotic behavior.  So awesome.

And so exhausting.

Boyfriend comes home tomorrow night, late.  He is ready to be home.  I am ready for him to be home.  There's nothing like being apart for over a month to make you realize how much you truly care about them.  And to remind you that you can make time for yourself and it doesn't make you a crappy partner.  So the distance has been good. 

But it's going to be great to have him home tomorrow.

Saturday is when our company leaves and when sis and I do the 5K.  I am...nervous?  I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be able to run it.  I've missed a lot of training due to illness and chaos.  But I should be able to walk it at least.

School for all of us starts on Monday.  I am so ready.  I am craving school for some reason.  It's going to be a very busy semester, but it's going to be so good.  Bring it on, school, bring it on.

Today is like an island in the chaos.  Visitors are camping in the mountains today and tomorrow.  Everything is basically caught up here on the home range.  It's about to rain.  I'm so used to being busy that I can't sit still.  I think I want to knit, but none of my projects are calling me....

Maybe I'll go for a walk.

~Meaghan

I Have Pictures!

Finally.

Am I right, or am I right, my dear readers?

So, what have I been doing the past three or more weeks? 

Let's take a peek!



Remember that fun fleece I got from my friend?  Here it is, all spun and knitted!



I love this rinse.

 

It's a neck warmer.  I just need to add some buttons....

My friend Amy and I went out to celebrate my birthday.

Me and my man for my birthday. :)

 

Birthday yarn from Boyfriend.  It's Madelinetosh merino.  I am so in love with it. :D

My Owlie socks I made a while ago.

I love how cute the owls are. :3

 

Baby alpaca, knit into oriel lace.

Look at how delicate it is!

And this is my current project.

 

And that sums it up. 

Boyfriend will be home soon.
5k is soon.
Family in from out of town soon.
And school.

Which is another story, about financial aide and making a Meaghan mad.

Until the next post, my readers.

~Meaghan

Chocolate and Alpaca Lace

I am stressed, my readers.

Boyfriend has been gone for two weeks and won't be back for another two weeks.  Plus, he hasn't answered his phone in like two days.  So I'm a little worried.  I know he's safe with family and I know this isn't like Boulder, but still.

I'm his girlfriend.

I'm also Cancer the Crab.

I get worried.

August is looking to be stressful and even though it hasn't started, I'm ready for it to be done. 

School starts the 19th, but financial aid won't go through until the 8th.  And since this school is different than my last college experience, I have to wait until the aid is done being processed to get my books.  So I'm looking at getting my books, I.D., and RTD pass the week before school starts.

Usually, I've already bought them by now.

The 5K is coming up.  I'm nervous.  I've never done anything like this before.  Today, I did an hour on the treadmill in preparation.  I don't anticipate going super fast, but I am, based on today, expecting to be done in about an hour.

My mom's brother (who is a little out there and has recently stressed us out) is coming to visit with my cousin.  My cousin and I got along beautifully the last time she was here.  My uncle... I've only met him once.  He and my mom only recently reconnected.

So we're all pretty stressed about that.

I was up until 3am today, trying to get the knot of panic out of my chest that had formed.

So.

Stressed.

Out.

Dad says my grandma had this saying about worry: "Worry is like a rocking chair.  It only takes you back and forth, never really going anywhere."

So true. 

My anxiety combating skills are coming into play at this point.

I'm going to school with my sister tomorrow to find my classes and buildings.

One day at a time.

Today, after I finish this post, I intend to knit and relax.

This involves really good dark chocolate with raspberries in it and baby alpaca, knit into lace.

The yarn is awesome.  When boyfriend was at Boulder, before his depression worsened and all the bad stuff happened, I went to visit him for a weekend.  It was lovely.  We slept in, ate pasta and ice cream at the Pearl Street mall, watched movies all night, and just generally relaxed.

While we were there, we went to a yarn store.  I found this beautiful Alpaca Lace by Cascade Yarn in blues and greens.  I had always wanted to try alpaca yarn, but usually couldn't afford it.  This to me was the holy grail of yarn. 

Boyfriend bought it for me.

I was in love.

And then everything happened.  Like, a near break up due to boyfriend's depression and contemplation of suicide.  Boyfriend breaking ties with his dad.  Boyfriend moving in.

Suddenly, the yarn was unknittable.  I couldn't look at it without feeling the desperation and strain from those few months.  I buried it in the yarn stash.

It's been a year and a half since then.  Boyfriend and I still have ups and downs, but over all, I think things are better.  He's finally going to counseling, and things are going to be alright.

So I can knit with the alpaca.

It's heaven.  Total bliss.

And knitting a lace pattern really helps my anxiety, I'm discovering.

When then next two weeks are over, I predict I will have a new scarf.

Anyway.

Chocolate and alpaca lace.

What more do I need?

~Meaghan 

The World is Watching

Maybe you've heard about it, my dear readers.  Maybe you haven't.  Maybe you care; maybe you don't.

I care. 

And you should too.

Russia has passed legislation that violates the European courts of human rights.  They were violating the courts anyway by not allowing gay prides.

 But this legislation goes a step further: gays, lesbians, transsexuals, bisexuals, and basically everyone who does not have a "traditional" (i.e. one man plus one woman) sexual relationship are facing discrimination.

Not just the kind of discrimination like we have here in the U.S. But the kind that gives jail time, fines, random arrests.  The kind that offers no aid if you get beat up, but rather makes your tormentors the victims and makes you look to blame.

Imagine living your life, as you are.  You're out, holding hands in public with the person you love.  And instead of being able to continue going to the store or the park or wherever you were heading, you get beat up and arrested because the person you love just happens to be the "wrong" person according to law.

Russian citizens are living in fear. 

And this law applies to tourists and athletes for the Olympics as well, with jail time of up to 15 days.

I can hear you thinking, readers.  "That's awful, but I don't live in Russia.  So why do I care?" or "I'm straight, why should this matter to me?"

Because no one deserves to be treated this way.  Look at these pictures and tell me that it's okay to have this happen to anyone.  Go on.  I'll wait.

  We have things like this in the U.S. too.  Don't let them kid you; it's far from perfect here.  There's verbal harassment and the occasional beating or murder reaches the news.  There are some states where same sex couples can marry and others where they can't; what does that do to the marriage license?

We have a lot of narrow minded people in America. 

But we also have a lot of open minded people. 

And for the most part, we're working our way to making equal rights for all.  Every college I've been to has a LGBTQ group as well as straight alliances.  I've seen same sex couples out at the grocery stores multiple times when I was working, all of them out without fear.  Overall, even though we aren't as far as I'd like us to be, there is still a lot of freedom here.

Russia, I have no words for you.

(Rather, I have too many words for you.)

People are people.  We all bleed red.  We all cry salt.  Orientation does not change who you are as a person. 

I found some videos that I think summarize the fear and worry many LGBTQ people face over in Russia.  No one should have to worry about discrimination at their job or school for their orientation.  No one should have to worry about their parents disowning them for who they love.

But what really hit it home for me was a comic, actually.

On Facebook and Twitter, I follow a guy named Bart who makes these really awesome comics about him and his partner, Mark.  I mean, these are comics that I relate to because similar things happen with my boyfriend and I.  I adore these guys.  I really do.

Anyway, he made a comic today that really made me cry.  Maybe it was because he put himself and Mark in it that made me so sad while I read it.   And while I knew things were bad, this made me realize just how bad it is over in Russia.

I can hear you thinking again, readers.  "But Meaghan, we live so far away.  What can we honestly do?"

Actually, quite a bit. :)

First off, there's the Olympics in 2014.

Johnny Weir, a gay U.S. ice skater I adore, is asking that we don't boycott the Olympics.

 I want to boycott more than you know, readers.  I really do.

 But Johnny makes a really good point - boycotting only hurts the athletes.  These are people who train their whole lives to go have one shining moment.  And, as history has shown with Jesse Owens in the 1936 Olympics, sometimes the ones who are discriminated against show up the ones who discriminate.

There is a human rights petition going around to get NBC (the station here in the U.S. that covers the Olympics) to reveal the brutality going on.  I would be more willing to watch if they did show or at least acknowledge during the coverage what is going on.

Use your best judgment with that. 

(I will probably only turn on for Johnny Weir and the ice skating.  But that's just me.)

Another thing: Vodka.

So I found this article about doing a vodka boycott.  As they point out, America imports over $59.7 a year in Russian vodka.  If we were to all stop drinking Russian vodka, such as Stoli and Russian Standard, it wouldn't kill the Russian economy.  However it may be enough to make them take notice.

So if you drink vodka, change up your brands.  Or if you're like me, grab that tequila.

Finally, I have a petition I signed that everyone should sign. 

Petitions are awesome and they actually do work.  I know some of you are skeptical.  Trust me.  When the voices of the people are loud enough, eventually those in power have to take notice. 

You can sign it here .

Let's keep putting pressure on Russia.  Let's keep making each other aware.

Russia, the world is watching.

And we are not happy.

~Meaghan

Why I Do Not Aim to Be a Writer First

While I was working on my Creative Writing degree at community college, I learned many different things.

I learned that while I love to use poetic language, I am not a poet.

I learned that fiction is fun to write for a drabble, but I am not a fiction author.

I learned that my heart never left nature and science.

I learned that writing is one love for me, science another, and that my desire to write is not fueled out of a desire to make money or a career or a name like so many of my other classmates.

And so I turned to creative non-fiction essays. 

Memoirs, if you prefer.

I love writing creative essays.  I love that I can incorporate my nature love and the lessons of my life into something interesting, informative, and poetic.  I love that it is a skill that will aide me as I turn my life towards nature and education.  I love that it comes so naturally to me.

And I love not making a living doing it.

This is not to say that I do not hope to eventually become published.  It does not say that I will not one day write to supplement my income.

What it says is that I do not aim to be a writer first and foremost in life.  I know people - classmates of mine - who do.

But what I notice about them is an almost superficial element.  They are so wrapped up in the competitiveness of writing that they can't appreciate the writing of their peers without becoming overly critical.  They lose track of the fun aspect of writing.  They make it a chore.

I don't want to lump all writers into this category.  I know there are some who got lucky, and write for the fulfillment it gives them or to satisfy the need they have to write while getting paid.

I'm more concerned about the people who go to school to become authors and who don't have any other plans.  The ones who focus on form and technique.  The ones who become bitter because they're trying to write the next American novel.

No thanks.

For me, I will become a teacher.  I will study the environmental sciences and educate our young people on the importance of nature.

And in my free time, I will write.

I will write for the fun, freedom, and need it satisfies.

Not for the paycheck.

~Meaghan

In Which Pain Makes Me More Random Than Usual

Hi there, my dear readers. 

As I am typing this to you, I am suffering a serious migraine.  Why am I not in bed?  I can hear you asking.

Well....technically, I am in bed, but that's besides the point.

I have way too much on my mind for sleep at the moment.  The pain is better than it was earlier this evening, so I can actually see straight, and I decided to take advantage of that fact.

Why do I have a migraine? 

First off, my birthday was Monday and I decided to live it up.  Saturday night out drinking with a friend (both alcohol and coconut in large quantities are triggers for me, which I didn't think about at the time - oh Malibu Rum, how I love and hate you...), Monday I spent most of the day with Boyfriend (IHOP, yarn and book shopping, a trip to school for his therapy appointment - more on that later), and dinner Monday night with the family at Red Lobster (we don't get to go very often, so I had lobster and crab and shrimp, all of which are triggers in large quantities).

(It was a great birthday, and I have no regrets. The people in my life are absolutely amazing and I am incredibly cared for, which makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.  Best birthday in a long time. :D)

Factor in stress for a moment here.  Boyfriend has been suffering from untreated depression for a while now, and I may or may not have done some drastic things on last Thursday to try to get him to show something - anything.  And we may or may not have had to work through things over the weekend to get him help and to help us be on good terms.  (Which we are.  And before you say anything, I did make an appointment with my therapist to discuss everything.  She is amazing.)

(And yeah, I know you can't help people until they realize they need help.  I was that way.  My sister was that way when she landed in the hospital.  As a former cutter and someone who deals with anxiety and depression, I get it.  It does not make it any less hard or less stressful.)

Now let's factor in my chocolate addition.  And the fact that there's salt on everything.  And that Boyfriend has been out of town since Tuesday and won't be back until the Wed before school starts for us.  I miss him like crazy and it's only been two days...

Plus Colorado weather changes.  Let's never forget Monsoon Season, lol.

So yeah.  Migraine party.  Still, I have no regrets.  I do think I'll try to keep a better eye on my triggers though.  Cause really, this sucks.

In other news, I haven't trained all week for my 5K.  I'm only a little nervous, you know? 

And by a little, I mean a lot.

Last time I got on the treadmill (which was last Wed), I could almost do a 17 minute mile. I know that's not the greatest, but for me that is huge.  Goal: 15 minute mile or less by August 17th, the day of the race.  I feel like I should be able to do it.

Also, I am so ready to go back to school.  I feel like science and teaching is really where I'm supposed to be.  The writing was a nice detour - I met some interesting people, learned some cool stuff, met my boyfriend via zombies during it - but not what I want to do forever.  I know teaching high school science will be hard, but I feel so strongly towards it.  It was originally what I went to community college for anyway, an Associates of Science to get my foot in the door.

(Forgive me if I've already talked about adding on the teaching certificate, I am pretty doped up on pain meds at the moment.  Like, earlier today, I tried unlocking the apartment door with the post office key.  Mom and sis just kind of laughed...)

Honestly, if I can make a difference in one kid's life, I will be happy.  And if teaching doesn't pan out, I still have my writing and my Environmental Science main degree to fall back on.

BTW, does anyone else think it's funny that this was supposed to be a yarn blog and it's become an everything-except-the-kitchen-sink thing instead?

Yeah.  That's my cue to try sleep again.

Hang tight, dear readers.  I'm sure there will be more excitement coming soon.

~Meaghan

So Much Excitement!

Hello my dear readers!

Life has gotten progressively awesome.  Where to start?

Um, my parents got me a new laptop for school as an early birthday present.  It's the first computer I have not bought myself.  My old one was getting ready to bite the dust pretty hard, so this is amazing that they were able to do that for me.  Total gratitude, you know?

I got my financial aid for the school year under control.  It's all loans, yet again.  But you know what?  I am taking out enough in loans that I was able to put my notice in at work.  This means I will be able to focus entirely on pursuing my education.

Speaking of which, I'm adding on a teaching certificate and possibly a minor in women's studies.  Exciting times, my readers. :)

Tomorrow I get to see my best friend for the first time since New Year's.  She lives in Boston with her boyfriend, so visits are few.  It's always so good to see them.  I can not wait.

Oh.  And my birthday is in 12 days. So that's exciting. :)

I am sure there is more, but I'm a bit braindead and am not thinking clearly.

Until we meet again,

~Meaghan

P.S. I wrote this while listening to the theme for Khan from the new Star Trek movie.  Awesome and epic all rolled into one.

Change in Plans

So, this was supposed to be a totally awesome week.

It started off well.  Pool time and work and VBS training for next week.  Then boyfriend and I were supposed to go to our mutual friend's house to help her out after she has nose surgery on Wed.  The plan was to hang out for a few days, helping wherever needed, enjoying company and whatnot.

Tuesday night, something awful happened.

I threw up.

I thought maybe I just hadn't had enough water.  That's happened with me before.  And this 5K training makes me drink more than I usually do.  I hoped that maybe I'd just throw up the once and be fine.

Nope.

I began at 9pm and by 2am, I was still throwing up.

I couldn't even keep water down.

So we packed up the car and went to the ER.  The ER is one of those places I keep telling myself I'm going to stop going to.  It's been over two years since I was sick enough to go to one, but still.

I'd really rather not be there.

We were there from 2:30 am til 6 am Wed morning.  They gave me anti-nausea meds and an IV, then sent me on my way with a prescription for more meds and the order to sleep and go easy on foods and liquids.

Stupid stomach bug.

So boyfriend went to our friend's house to help her while I've been at home recovering.

(I never want to throw up ever, ever again.)

The anti-vomiting pills are awesome.  I've been keeping stuff down alright and tonight I was able to eat an actual meal for the first time in like two days.

So yeah.

Stuff's going around, peeps.  Watch yourselves.

~Meaghan

How I Come Up With a Post

I usually come up with ideas to write/blog about while I'm in the shower.

Or getting dressed.

Between lathering shampoo and brushing my teeth, something I've been thinking about for a while hits me again.  But this time, I start an inner monologue, very similar to J.D.'s from Scrubs.

I tear the idea apart and figure out why I feel the way I do, where to go from that idea, and what kind of wording I want.  Most of the time, it's pretty awesome, actually.

Sometimes, the same thing happens while I'm doing the dishes.  It's amazing how finding a rhythm in doing something you've done a million or more times makes ideas known to you.

So where are these amazing blog posts?

Well, sometimes I do manage to get them to my PC.

But the truth is, I leave the bathroom or leave the kitchen, someone asks me a question, and it all runs out my ears like lake water.

I'm thinking I need to start carrying a notebook with me to the bathroom.

~Meaghan

Restless

I'm so used to going all the time that it's always weird to have a day at home to do nothing.

I repeat: do nothing.

Today is one of those days.  I'm hot and don't want to do a whole lot and I've been home most of the day, reading.

Which is good, except I am seriously restless.

Maybe it's because every county around us is having thunderstorms and tornados and we only have sunshine.

Maybe it's because I've been laying on the couch for the past two hours.

Or maybe it's just me, needing to be doing something.

Ah restless.  One day I'll figure out how to turn you into productivity.

~Meaghan

Watching and Waiting

There has been a huge wildfire here in Colorado.

We've been watching, waiting.  Until this afternoon, it was out of control.  As I write this, they have gotten it to 5% containment.

The fire is about an hour south of us.  But at the rate it was growing, we had some concerns about possibly being evacuated if they didn't get a grasp on it.

So I packed a fire bag or two.  Knitting stuff, the Bible my mom gave me and one boyfriend's grandfather gave him, my crisis kit out of the box (candles, Goddess cards, lotion, letter writing stuff, my journal), irriplaceable things, like the last Christmas card my grandma sent me.

It made me feel better.  That's all that mattered.  I had a gut instinct, I acted on it, I was able to somewhat sleep last night.

Since the fire is finally becoming controlled and the fear of it suddenly coming the hour our way backing off, I started unpacking my backpack.

And one of my favorite candles in a glass jar had broken.  The candle is fine.  The jar, not so much.

It's a small price for feeling safe.  I'll deal.

~Meaghan

P.S - I know the most important things aren't things at all, but people.  If I lost anyone I cared about, I don't know what I would do.  I would trade all of my things for their safety.  But packing really does calm, and if you can, you want those things you can't replace.

But not over the lives of those you loved.  Never.

Prayers for Colorado.

Hi There

I realize I have skipped all of May, part of April, and part of June.  It's just, things got so messy and I became so focused on trying to piece it back together that I forgot about you, my dear blog.

So let's start fresh.

I have started a yarn group.  We're meeting tonight for the first time, and I am very hopeful.  It's something I've wanted for a while but never had the courage to start until now.

(This is the power of a good therapist, good anti-depressants, and good chocolate. :) )

I have been knitting again, although it hasn't been with the fever pitch it had been before.  It's not that I don't love my knitting any less.  It's just that I've become more moderate about it.  I'm finding a balance in all things.  Letter writing, card making, knitting, counted cross stitch, exercise, reading - I'm trying to find time for it all.

 And over all, I feel better.

Better than I have in a very, very long time actually.

It's amazing how when you're depressed, you don't realize that you aren't living.  You just know you have to get up each morning and do whatever has to be done.  You are in this haze and everything hurts and everything is numb at the same time.

And it took my sister landing in the hospital back in the later part of April for her own depression that forced me to look at mine.

I won't lie to you, readers.  I still get anxious with social interactions and with the occasional trigger.  I still cry.

But I'm not curled up in a ball, wondering what's wrong with me as I cry uncontrollably.  I'm not getting up each morning to do nothing.

So many positive changes are happening.  The yarn group is just the beginning.

I've signed up to do a 5K in August with my sister.  It's this one and it looks incredible.  I've never been super athletic, let alone run before.  So this is huge.  I've been training for two weeks now.  I can now do half a mile in under ten minutes.  That doesn't sound like a lot, but for me it is.  My goal is to be at a ten minute mile by the end of the month.

I've been reading again for the first time in so long.  The Game of Thrones book series is amazing.  I'm not a huge fantasy person, but I just can't get enough of it.  I'm in the midst of "A Clash of Kings" at the moment.  I'm also reading some really good zombie fiction. :)

Today my sister and I are going out.  We're going to get some pho and I'm getting a pedicure and acrylic nails, something I've wanted for a very long time.  It feels selfish to me, but I've been assured that it's not. It's important to take care of me.  And that's something that's just going to take time for me to learn.

Rest assured, boyfriend and parents are also doing well.  Things seem to be running pretty smoothly with only minor bumps along the way.  And for that, I am grateful.

I won't leave again for so long, my readers.  Thank you for hanging with me. :)

~Meaghan

Things Learned From Grief

Hi there, my dear readers.  I am back.  Not in one piece, but back and swinging.

Grief, I am learning, is an awful beast.  Some days, I wake up and feel fine.  By the end of the day, I'm crying over little things that normally wouldn't bother me.  Other days, I wake up in a fog and remain there all day.

I'm up and down and all around.  I feel like a human merry-go-round.

All of which is supposedly normal.

(I would like to note that I have the best mom ever, who let me cry an ugly cry in the car today and just told me it would be okay while rubbing my shoulder.)

Anyway.

I'm trying to get it back together.  Yesterday, I picked up knitting for the first time in over a month.  I didn't do anyhing substatial except a row of random enterlac, but still.  It was something.

I have been doing other crafts, just for whatever that's worth.  I've discovered I enjoy coutned cross stitch.  And I love making cards and things.  Instead of journaling, I've been writing letters to myself on an almost daily basis, letters I plan on reading at the end of the year.

So I'm trying.

There's been so much sadness this month, though.  I mean, seriously.  I have spring PTSD, I'm sure of it.  This year, Grandma died, the Boston bombing happened, and the plant in Texas blew.  Last year, my boyfriend nearly committed suicide.  (He's safe and has been living with us since last April, and is doing so much better.  In a few years, I'm going to be very proud and happy to call him my husband.)  The year before that, my anxiety and panic attacks started.

Stuff needs to stop happening in the spring.

But there's a lot of good, too, my readers.  I have been made painfully aware of that too.  The sun is shining today for the first time in what feels like ages.  Family is closer than ever.  And, as we saw with the theater shootings, people at the Boston Marathon were helpers, running towards the wounded to help.

One of my favorite yarn bloggers, Rachael Herron, is doing a Boston Love Blanket.  I am going to make a square.  I haven't knit anything of substance since March, but if I know one thing, it's that helping others helps you.  If this can't get me back into my knitting, nothing will.

This month has also made me painfully aware of how short life is.  Grandma would want me to live it to the fullest.  And, like she and Grandpa, I want to be able to be around for a very, very long time.

So I've started a weight loss journey.  I would love for you guys to join me, if you want.  What made me do this?  On the trip to Missouri for Grandma's funeral, my mom noticed I stopped breathing in my sleep.  I've done it a few times since I got back.  It worries me, it worries my boyfriend, it worries my family.

 I'm not going to lie: I'm pretty overweight.  For my height and body type, I should weigh in at about 160 or so.  When I got back from the trip, I weighed in at 221.4 pounds.  That is the heaviest I have ever been in my life.  I'm 22 for crying out loud - I should be able to keep up, to breathe through the whole night, to be healthy and happy.

So far, I've lost 4 pounds by cutting out soda and most fried foods, and by working out for thirty minutes five days a week.  I've set up rewards for myself for each 5 pound mark I hit.  These are things like getting my nails done, going shopping, buying the foutain pen I want.  That sort of thing.  The goal is to lose 40 pounds by the end of the year, taking me down to 181.4.  I'm going to take pictures each milestone, then have a blog with it all at the end of the year.

What do you think?

I think life is short.  I think grief is hard.  And I think love will rule all.  I'm going to make each day count for something.  Join me.

~Meaghan

The Longest Road

The past few weeks have been a blur, my dear readers.

My grandma went into the hospital a few weeks ago.  She was released, only to have to go back to ICU a few days later.

She passed away Easter Monday, April 1st. 

This week we made the trip back home to the Midwest to tell her goodbye and lay her to rest.

I haven't been able to knit in all that time.  A little here, a little there.  But where knitting usually soothes me, it has been doing nothing for me. 

I hope this passes.  I know Grandma's in a better place.  It just sucks for those of us left behind.

That is all.

Stuck at the Grocery Store

For six hours.

I kid you not, guys and gals.  I was stuck at the grocery store today with my mom and sister for six hours.

Why?

Because it was a blizzard and my boyfriend and dad were working different schedules.  So we left at 1 to go get my man at 2, only to find out when we arrived at the store that he was working until 7 like my dad.  Due to road conditions, we couldn't exactly leave.  If we had left, they would have had to sleep at the store.

(True story, my dad had to do that once about three years ago.  The snow was too deep for our little Focus and we couldn't get him.  It was not cool.  Although someone bought him deli chicken for dinner.  So I guess that was okay.)

We ate pizza from the in-store pizza place for lunch.  I had my knitting - that Doctor Who scarf - and made pretty good progress.  Kate had bought some fuzzy posters and let me color with her for a bit. 

But mostly we were bored and pissed.  Not at dad or Trev, but at their management for various things that have been going on and for the horrible things that happened today.

(I will not go into that today, just know that something's going to have to change or they are going to leave.)

So stress was high and weather was bad.  But we made it home and all is alright.  My dad's picking up chinese food as we speak.

The funny thing about it was the fact that all I wanted while at the store was to a) be home and b) take a shower.  I don't know if showering and being at a grocery store are related, but there you have it.

I seriously hate the snow. :(

And now, I'm off to eat orange chicken.

~Meaghan

Fear, Anxiety, and Yarn

So as I mentioned in the previous post, I'm in the process of going off my anti-anxiety medication.

I tell everyone I'm super excited to be finally getting off it.  I also tell everyone I can feel a difference.  These are both true: I feel lighter and I am very happy to be getting off it, especially as I read the prolonged effects of this medication.  Two years was more than enough on it.

But there's more.

I'm kind of...scared.

Yeah.  I'm scared to go off this medication. 

The reason I went on it was for panic attacks.  I started having them my second year of community college, a few months after I stopped harming myself.  (That's a blog for another time, my loves.)  I guess my body and mind couldn't cope with the fact that I didn't have a physical release for stress anymore, so they decided to give me one.

Fear is a very good thing.  It can be, anyway.  After all, that's how early cavemen knew to run from certain predators and situations.  That's how humans were able to evolve so much - fight or flight.  But for some of us, our bodies give us too much adrenaline.  There's too much fight or flight.

That's what happened to me.  I would be at school, waiting in the student area between classes, and the urge to cry would fall on me for no reason.  Anything could set it off.  That was okay.  I could handle crying.  But it evolved.  It became the walls caving in and me feeling like I couldn't breathe because there was no room.  I would begin to hyperventilate.  I either had to leave the area and go outside and hope it went away, or call my mom and ask her to come pick me up.

Once I went on the meds, it got better, at least for a while.  I met the man of my dreams, I graduated with honors with my Creative Writing degree.  I got a part time job at a retail place.  And then, just when things seemed right -

Wham.

They were back, worse than ever.  I don't know if it was the lack of sleep over the summer, the stress of my job at the time, the Batman theater shooting (Trev and I were at a different theater for the midnight release, but I had a friend at the cinaplex in the theater next door) or what.  But I just couldn't function.

Well.  Hello extra drugs.  And hello not being able to feel anything: no sex drive, no bright happiness, no colorful joy.  It wasn't that it was bad, it was just that the colors were kind of running together.  I honestly have a really hard time remembering most of those few months, to be totally honest.

Fast forward to the present.

Things are amazing right now.  I wouldn't say perfect, because nothing is perfect.  If my relationships were all perfect and I was perfect and life was perfect, I would be very, very concerned.

Things are good, though.  Perhaps better than they've been in the past two or three years even.  Which is why my doctor and I decided I would be able to get off my meds.  Because I want to feel again.  I want to taste life again.

And that brings me back to the original topic.  Fear.

What if I've forgotten who I was while I was on these meds?  What if I'm not me anymore?

Worse yet, what if the panic and fear and walls caving in all return? 

I know I have an amazing support system.  I have a strong faith.  And I believe in myself now, too, something I didn't have before.

And so, I knit.  I knit it all - the fear, the doubt, the anxiety, the concerns - row by row into Katie's Doctor Who scarf.  Straight garter stitch, over tweleve feet long.  I can feel the tension leave as I work on it, feel the doubts go away.

So far, the results of both the med reduction and the scarf have been great.  I'm feeling like me again, with a few exception days like today where I just want to sleep and feel like I'm walking in a fog.  But those are few and far now.  And the scarf is looking amazing.  I have about two feet done at this point.

(There will be pictures soon.  Promise, guys and gals.)

There you have it.  Where I am.  Thank you for reading. :)

~Meaghan

Everything in One

Hi there.

I didn't mean to leave you hanging, my dear, sweet readers.  I know it's been almost two months since I last posted.  I know that saying I've been busy is no excuse, either.

I've decided to revamp this blog a bit.  It can't be just about knitting.  I love knitting, I love yarn - but there's more to me than that.  And I don't want to write if I feel I can't include all those other parts of me.

So this blog is now everything in one.  Kinda like an everything bagel with cream cheese. :)  I do hope we can start again, my readers.

You're probably having some questions and thoughts right now:

Meaghan, where have you been?

What have you been up to?

Yay, you aren't dead!

(I could be exaggerating, of course, but I choose to believe you're happy I'm alive.)

I can't remember where my last post left off, so forgive me if I seem redundant.

Let's see...

I'm enrolled to go back to school in the fall.  I'm an Environmental Science major with an emphasis in Ecological Restoration.  It seems like a far cry from my associates in Creative Writing, but I think the two will go hand in hand nicely.  I'm hoping I can get a job with the EPA doing field work, or some other government position.  I don't think I want desk work.  I think I want to be out in the middle of it all. 

I'm pretty excited about school.  I like to read, I like to write, and I like to learn.  I even like math and stuff, if you'll believe that.

(Which is good, cause I have to take a lot of Bio, Chem, and Statistics...)

Found out I'm going to be out of a job come May.  As you may recall, I'm that awesome chick at the grocery store who trys to get you to try new products and stuff.  Well.  My boss was fired two weeks ago and emailed us; turns out, the company lost the contract with our major client, Kroger, as of May first. 

(I feel like I should be more worried about discussing this, but what are they going to do, fire me?  Come on.)

With the support of my family and boyfriend, I've decided not to pursue another job elsewhere.  I mean, after the fall semester, I'm going to probably be taking 18 credit hours.  And those are all going to be science classes.  It feels weird, especially since money is tight for all of us in this little family unit.  But I know God will provide.

My sister has decided to pursue opera. She has dreams of heading to New York and singing on a stage. There's a lot of musical talent in our family; she has everything she needs - talent, drive, and passion. I know she's going to light up the stages when she gets there. :)

My boyfriend is doing really well, too.  It makes me happy.  We've had a few rough patches the past month, but show me a relationship that hasn't.  We're working on communication.  The goal is to be able to get our own apartment shortly after we graduate with our respective degrees; then at some point, wedding bells will be chiming.

I'm not in as big of a hurry as I thought I was for that.  I love Trev more than anyone in the world; but what we have is special and in both our minds, we're already married.  We treat each other as equals, we respect and care for each other, we've stayed strong through some serious, serious crap.  I think the wedding is just a formality.  Don't get me wrong: I very much look forward to the day I become his offical wife.  It's just, I'm not in a rush.  I'm enjoying each day at a time. :)

This past week, I've been doing nothing but watch Numb3rs and knit on my sister's Doctor Who scarf.  The project may be boring and tedious and painful, but it makes great knitting for watching television.  And by watching Numb3rs via DVDs from the library, I don't have to deal with commercials, which is really nice.

(I have three favorite television shows: Numb3rs, which went off the air a few years ago, Bones, and CSI:NY, which I'm pretty sure isn't going to get signed for another season.  Why do I like these shows?  Because they're intelligent television.  There's humor, there's science and math, there are great characters with great love lives that I actually can get behind.  What can I say?  My film class instructor last year said great script writers are moving towards television; I agree with him.)

I've also caved and joined Instagram.  Look for me as birdietheknitter.  If that doesn't work, let me know.  I'm still on Twitter as well, under Birdgirl90. :)

Oh! So, a lot of you don't know this, but I was put on an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication about two years ago for panic attacks.  Well, I'm in an awesome place now and am in the process of getting off it.  Sure, I am having some side effects - insomnia, hyperness, etc.  But those are the same as when I went on it. 

And I feel lighter.  I feel less paranoid and sad and upset and worried.  I feel like this weight has been lifted.  :) I'm so very happy about it, I could do a dance.

Except I won't.  Because it's, you know, 12:06 am.

Which means I should go to bed.  But I just really wanted everyone to know I'm alive, I haven't forgotten you, and I'm back. 

Welcome to a little bit of everything.  I'm happy you're on this journey with me. :)

~Meaghan

Addicting Little Knit

I am completely in love with this awesome pattern for handwarmers.  One skein of cotton yarn, one set of size 6 double points, and I am in heaven. 

 

 

I love it.  I can not seem to stop knitting them.

I like the Sugar and Cream or Peaches and Creme yarns.  The cotton is nice and the colors are awesome.  I highly recommend this pattern.

I'm off to knit more.  (What am I going to do with all of them, lol?)

~Birdie

Tough Choices

As some of you may know, I have an Etsy shop.

Or rather, I had an Etsy shop.

See, my whole dream was not to make things for other people.  It's to open a yarn shop.  A nice place with shelves of yarn and tables for crafting.  Comfy couches maybe.  Nice windows wide with light.  And an area for consignment, where people like me can sell their items.  Cause it's hard to find that anywhere. There will be classes and knit alongs and crochet alongs. 

It's been my dream for a long time.

My mom and I were talking about it today.  Etsy and farmer's markets and craft shows are all good, but they aren't what I want.  I've been fooling myself and in the process, taking away from my real dream.

So I made some tough choices today. 

They really weren't that tough, though.

I closed my Etsy shop.  I enrolled at the community college I graduated from last year.

My plan is to take business classes and maybe get a certificate.  Then hopefully in the next year or two I'll be able to get a business loan and get things cooking. 

I need this.  I need this to happen.  I need to have this purpose.

I'll keep you posted.

And don't worry.  There will be knitting still. :)

Here's to chasing dreams.

~Birdie

The Letter of the Day - S

Snow.

Socks.  (Finally finished. :D )

Scarf. (The Doctor Who has begun.)

Also, a shoutout to Trevor, who turns 22 today.  He is the most wonderful man and I am so blessed to be spending my life with him.  I love you, handsome. :)

~Birdie